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2 Bumps

Why aren't they being open and honest? (Long...)

We had a visit with DD's BFamily (BMom, 1/2BBrothers, and BMom's parents) today. I told BMom and BGma at the last visit in April that DD was beginning to ask about her BDad so I wanted to get his information from them. They said they would look him up and give us everything at the June visit.

In texting back and forth with BMom regarding what to bring to the visit (picnic at lake), I reminded her about the BDad and again said DD has been asking about him.

Today at the visit, I asked and BMom and BGma exchanged looks and BGma said that last they heard he moved out of state to live with a girl he dated a couple of years ago. She said that no one seems to have any contact information on him, but they are trying. I asked BMom for his last name and, again after exchanging looks, BGma said "I think it's _____ or maybe it's ______." I looked over at BMom and said to her "You don't know his last name?" She just blankly looked at me and BGma chimed in something about it only being a one night stand.

So as we were getting ready to leave, BGma and I were folding up the table clothes and I told her that I hope it didn't seem like I was being pushy about the BDad, but DD is asking and I don't like only being able to give her a first name...pointing out that I'm not even sure we'd do visits or any contact, but just to have the information in case she wants it. She then starts talking about how he's out of state and she thinks his last name is ____ (different from the previous two) and that she thinks that is his mother's last name and may not even be his. Mind you, he and BGma worked together at the same farm every summer (last summer was their last year) and she has told me in the past about how his mother and entire family are drug users and how he was trying to get away from that kind of life and how she has told him all about DD and how we adopted her and she told me that he is okay with the situation...

So obviously I'm not believing them. Too many things just are not clicking. If I am getting the runaround now when DD is 5 years old saying they can't find the BDad, DD will certainly get it when she finally says something to BMom herself about wanting more info on him. Why are they not being honest? What right do they have to keep this information from her?!?!?!?

 
AllAboutKeeley

Asked by AllAboutKeeley at 6:41 PM on Jun. 26, 2011 in Adoption

Level 33 (59,874 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • AAK, I agree with your thoughts about the next visit. Possibly getting Firstmom to herslef and explaining that honesty is something you have always valued in this relationship, and is something you are instilling in your daughter, may just be what is needed??? Possibly explaining to her that you only wish to have all info for the future when your daughter may wish to have it , along with reassuring her you will be keeping it private and not attempting to locate. I hope this works! I never understand a mother ever with-holding truths from their children:( I wish you luck,CJ
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 4:20 PM on Jul. 1, 2011

  • I'm wondering how you were able to adopt her without the signature of Bdad. Not in defense of them, but it's possible she doesn't know his last name. There are plenty of people I worked with and didn't know their last name either. I just had the police at my door looking for a neighbor. I didn't recognize the name. I found out that it's a guy I was introduced to with a nickname (we live in the country so nicknames are real popular). He's even done work at my house. When we get older we tend to just go with whatever we are introduced with. It does sound a little fishy, but women these days sleep around a lot and don't know a last name. I think I'd back off though because if he didn't sign away his parental rights, it's possible he can come back. I'd check with a lawyer and make sure it's all legit.
    attap5

    Answer by attap5 at 6:53 PM on Jun. 26, 2011

  • I am affraid this is probably not all that uncommon. They don't want any issues with the bdad and/or they really do not know the name. My lil boy's birthmother has no idea the last name of all 4 of her children. They are all drug/street people. With 2 of them we only have a street name or nickname. I think maybe sometimes they are worried that the bfather will interfere with what the bmom wants to happen with the baby. Very wrong, but I think this is often the truth.
    ochsamom

    Answer by ochsamom at 7:55 PM on Jun. 26, 2011

  • I am sorry. I know this must be frustrating for you. We have only a first name on DS's bfather, and she's not even sure that's his name. My DH wonders if she really does know and isn't saying. I think it's normal for us to wonder how our kids will take this when they are older. I am not an adoptee so I can't say I fully understand, but I can think of how I feel about never having the opportunity to know one of my great-grandmothers. She supposedly abandoned my Grandma and her sister when they were little, and my Grandma never forgave her. I heard nothing but bad stuff about her and I knew that if I ever met her my Gma would feel betrayed. She was a piece of my family history that I never got to know.

    It's too bad that your DD's bmom doesn't seem to be telling you all she knows. It's good that you're making sure she gets contact with her maternal bfamily at least.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 12:43 AM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • My daughter was conceived thru rape and i am dealing with this horrible person having everything hand to him on a plate contact wise while i am completely shut in the dark. I would rather not have told them (his name is unknown on her original birth cert) but for my girls sake and heritage etc i told them. I've never told them about what he did, they just thought i hated him... Maybe your Bmum is just protecting herself do to fear you won't keep your word re him not having contact.
    06Lilraysmom

    Answer by 06Lilraysmom at 2:32 PM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • I understand the whole open adoption thing, what im not understanding is why the five year old is asking about bio dad.
    I myself was adopted at 5 years old. I always knew I was adopted I have never to meet my bio parents.
    lady-J-Rock

    Answer by lady-J-Rock at 2:51 PM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • They have no right to keep this information from you and you're right it is about her. Whatever their reasoning not to give you the information, they should trust you with the reason and the bfather information. Maybe you should talk to them and tell them frankly you believe there is some reason they wont trust you with the information and ask them why it is.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 2:52 PM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • The most common reason why bmoms keep bfather information from the adoptee is that she is mad at him and doesn't think he deserves a relationship with his child. They forget that it's not about the father's rights, it's about the adoptees. By rights I'm just talking about moral rights here not legal rights obviously.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 6:07 PM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • In our state there is a birthfather registry. It was checked and everything was done legally in the adoption. No matter what though there is something they are hiding about him...we've been very honest with them and even allow a very open adoption, we ask nothing but the same in return. This isn't about "them" or "us"...this is about HER!
    AllAboutKeeley

    Comment by AllAboutKeeley (original poster) at 7:01 PM on Jun. 26, 2011

  • I see what you are saying Lilraysmom, but I really do not believe there is any concern about that. If it were, I highly believe that they would never of said a nice thing about him to us and/or talked to him about DD. My gut is telling me that there is something else going on. I'm actually starting to question if perhaps this third guy is a phantom used because BGma does not like the guy or the family of the guy we were originally told was the BFather.

    There is no word that we won't allow him contact. I would never make that word with her because it is not mine to make. It's all about what DD wants, age appropriately of course.
    AllAboutKeeley

    Comment by AllAboutKeeley (original poster) at 3:03 PM on Jun. 27, 2011