Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Okay, That's It. adult content

The last year has been tough, relationship-wise. I had a high-risk pregnancy and a difficult recovery. The baby is now 10 weeks old. A month or so ago, my husband was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes and low testosterone and was put on Metformin and a series of testosterone injections, of which he has had two to date. The Metformin was making him nauseated, but some adjustment to the regimen and what he eats with it has helped (I'm a nurse, I know a number of tricks). My husband has also been doing really well about checking his sugar and exercising regularly.

The problem is, between the pregnancy, the recovery and all these medication problems, we haven't had sex in a year (literally, the last time was when I got pregnant with this last kid). And it seems like every time I want to plan a little "alone time", my husband tells me that he's either invited one or more of his friends over or is going out with his friends to see a movie or something. Well okay then, I understand that he's had a health scare, he may need some down time. Last night was the season premiere of True Blood. Now, that show is OUR show. I did some dolling up and I managed to get the baby down and the living room picked up, poured us a couple of glasses of wine and made a few filthy remarks, the general "You're gonna get some" fancy dance we all do. Then someone knocked on the door. It seems that my husband had invited one of his friends to watch the show and to stay and watch some Liam Neeson flick afterwards. I know my face showed some disappointment there. After True Blood, I just went to bed, but not before my husband asked me if I could handle the baby and the other kids so he and his friends could go see Green Lantern tonight. I said sure, but he could tell there was something wrong so I told him about trying to schedule "alone time" and it seeming like he'd prefer to do pretty much anything other than have sex with me. He said he was sorry. No explanation. Before someone mentions the low testosterone, the meds he's on and the diabetes, his condition isn't severe enough to cause ED, this I know for sure because I've seen his lab reports.

We have a great relationship in all other aspects, but when it comes to sex, it really seems as though he has no interest in me. And that is frustrating because I have been relatively direct with him, what else can I do?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:52 AM on Jun. 27, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • Does he seem depressed since all these issues? He may be feeling "old" and like less of a man. His test. levels might not be causeing ED...but it may have mentally sent him a "youre less of a man" signal. I dont know....try to talk to him about it more, and maybe take him to a counceler. Has he always hung out with friends this often? Thats whats would make me think he may be trying to feel "young" again.

    Answer by mlmkjw at 9:59 AM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • i sorry to hear that you have a hard time in the sex department, but trust me when i say DONT give him an ultimatum, cause that'll push him further away, i hope this doesn't weird you out, but try watching porn with him, and touching his body while watching it, that should get him in the mood and keep him there, and if that doesn't work then maybe you might have to consider other possibilities. i hope everything works out for you.


    Answer by farmgirl888 at 10:00 AM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • I'm going to mention the low testosterone anyway. It might not be low enough to cause ED, however the fact that he has LT is reverbating in his brain. It is telling him that he is less of a man. And this is exactly why I keep warning young people about putting sex at such a very high thing in their life, because when something happens and it's not there all the time whether by an illness, accident, or choice, their whole world falls apart. People cannot function in their relationship without sex. Try and talk to him about it and tell him you understand. Parading in front of him I'm sure didn't help how he was feeling at all. And I'm sure it made you fell crappy because you were rejected. Men DO have feelings. They just internalize everything. Maybe he IS having ED not from the LT but from the psychological aspects of it.

    Answer by attap5 at 10:01 AM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • It seems there is some block, physical or mental there is a block, I want to say this not to be mean or rude but, if you have told him how this makes you feel, if he knows this hurts you , than he refuses to acknowledge your pain, and thats a major issue, because when we refuse to solve the hurt , than its not as important to us, as our own comfort, being in a relationship isnt always easy, there are days my hubby has sex with me simply because i want to, Im pregnant so I know Im not the sexist thing alive but he knows not allowing me this intimate moment would hurt me, to be honest every one else is getting more of your husband than you are, and you long for the one thing they cant have, the intmacy of love making. I hope all works out and I hope he realizes soon how hurt you are, please let us knows what happens, thanks for sharing your story

    Answer by kellylong78 at 10:08 AM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • With all that you've said and the bases you've it really so hard to believe that your husband has just lost interest in you sexually? I mean, when you get all "dolled up" and he doesn't take the bait...he's just not hungry. Maybe it's not him, maybe it's you. I'm just saying....maybe sex was getting boring. Could it be your weight? Maybe you think all other areas of your marriage are great but maybe there's some areas that he's not too excited about? I would have to dig a little deeper and wonder if it might be ME.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:21 AM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • Dear Anon, you bring up valid points. Nobody wants to think it's themselves, but not considering that possibility wouldn't be very logical.

    So let's take stock here. Okay, I'm not the prettiest woman on the planet, but I'm the same donkey-faced troglodyte that he married and I'm almost back to pre-baby weight. As for the sex being boring, we've been married for 12 years so yeah, there may be some truth to that concept. HOWEVER, whenever I've made attempts to "spice things up", either I miss the mark completely and he ends up laughing at whatever shenanigans I've gotten up to, or if I ask directly what HIS ideas would be, he shrugs and sayd "I dunno." Kind of hard to work with no information to base things on, eh?
    Any ideas, Anon, on digging deeper?

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:10 AM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • Just to ask: Are you annoyed because he isn't seducing you, or are you actually taking the initiative and making the first moves? Have you bought new lingerie? If he watches porn, find out what kind and buy a costume or prop of some sort. Or watch it with him. Make sure he knows how much you want him. Is there anything he's wanted sexually for a long time that you've denied? Would you be willing to try it now?

    Answer by kit_manson at 11:31 AM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • I agree maybe he is depressed. You need to have a heart to heart talk with him.

    Answer by blessmeplease at 11:32 AM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • Sounds more like he is depressed and feeling like less of a man because of the testosterone problem. How about asking him to schedule some couples time and tell him that you won't be having sex? Maybe you need to take the pressure off of him. You can still date. Perhaps if you take the sex option away, it will make it more desirable. Try dating. Sounds like a therapist is also in order. He has had some big issues to deal with. Couples counseling sounds like a good idea too. He doesn't seem to be communicating with you and is definitely avoiding being alone with you. I don't think it is really you other than he might feel you have expectations. If he won't talk, you can't get very far. Just thinking that a therapist's intervention might be in order. My only other suggestion would be to get a toy and make sure he watches you with it. Crude, but often effective.

    Answer by momofkids at 11:38 AM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • as a woman on metformin, my libido went MIA. no where to be found, at all. i had to use lube for the entire time i was on it and even that wasnt enjoyable for myself. his test levels might be alright- but he just might not have that sexual desire BECAUSE of the meds. how long does he have until he st

    Answer by Shy_Dia at 11:49 AM on Jun. 27, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.

Next question in Relationships
I dont know. =(