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3 Bumps

Should My Husband Call His Daughter?

Ok. So I need impartial opinions on this matter. I'll try to make it sweet & simple. My husband has an almost 17 year old daughter from a previous marriage who lives mainly with her mom and comes over every other weekend. Lately, she's been feeling left out and ignored here and unwelcome no matter how we try to not make her feel that way. It's true my husband has been a little distant with her but not at all ignoring her. Finally, to clear the air, he called her out on "why" he's been distant and confronted her about all sorts of things he knew she was doing online and at home while her mom is not there.

Of course, she blew up, he told he's only concerned for her future and emotional well-being, he feels bad for snooping, but, at the same time he knew she was up to no good and feels he has to do what he needs to to keep her safe..its his duty as a father. My husband tried to work together with his daughter's mom, but, to no avail because she's in denial and she can't believe any of it regardless of the fact we have proof. She's standing by her daughter. In the end, his daughter said to him "I don't want to go to that house anymore and you are not my dad" and hung up on him.

I know she's upset obviously, my question is, should he reach out to her regardless and call her on a weekly basis or should he just respect her wish and leave her alone and just mail the child support check??? She's doing VERY wrong things yet he's a bad father for uncovering her...

Note: I kind of think he should ignore her because I'm tired of her making my husband out to look like he is such a bad father when he isn't. She has said that he verbally abuses her and that she almost sent him to jail the last time he spanked her..(which is true he spanked her for running away with a boy after numerous attempts to discipline her differently). She calls this place hell and I kid you not all we do is hang out, go to the park, go for frozen yogurt, the mall, chit chat, make dinner together....the girl has personality issues!!!

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:14 PM on Jun. 27, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (22)
  • sadly, this sounds like a time when he and his ex wife need to get together and do a parenting intervention on their daughter. They need to make sure they are both on the same page with this almost adult child before her actions become worse

    Answer by zoejains_momma at 12:18 PM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • I think he should call her and tell her, I love you , I am worried about you, and I will be here for you when you need me. I think without the mother's help it is about all he can do.. The next time she runs away, instead of spanking her, the police should be called on the boy and her! sorry momma!

    Answer by kimigogo at 12:20 PM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • It comes with the age. I would ignore it until she comes around. Ultimately although he could "try" and talk to her, this is something that only she can fix. Your husband did the right things. I would suggest working more on getting proof for the mother to have to admit that there is a problem. Just because she is chosing to ignore it says alot about her. Sorry you two are going through this. She needs more discipline and care, but you can only do what you have the ability to. Hang in there. These years are tough. :-)

    Answer by LeJane at 12:21 PM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • Hello, he is the Parent not her. Get her under control before it is too late. I know there are alot of things he can take away 17, yes its that time where she is curious, but againg he needs to get with his ex-wife and get her under control.

    Answer by atmselvie at 12:29 PM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • I'm very sorry. Been there and done that. She is now starting to see the light, sometimes that is. She'll still warn her when the probation officer sets up a time for a drug test. I think your husband should still reach out to her. Even if she hangs up on him every single week. She will grow up someday and realize that what he was doing was because he loves her. The problem is that she is pushing her boundaries and she's trying to get the parents to say no. Only her dad is doing it. She's going to keep pushing until her mother wakes up and does something. I'm afraid she's in for a world of pain in the meantime. Kids today have so many more pitfalls than 20 years ago. He needs to talk to the mother also and show her the proof. Tell her if she isn't willing to listen, then he is going to call the authorities because she is being neglectful. And follow through with it.

    Answer by attap5 at 12:31 PM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • im with the call her and tell her he loves her. most kids whether they admit it or not need to hear it. often.

    Answer by barrelracer1977 at 12:32 PM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • She's a teenager. She just found out she's not "Daddy's Little Angel" anymore, and she's pissed. Sounds to me like there needs to be some serious parenting done here. ALL of you need to sit down, and talk about what you think is acceptable behavior/rules/punishment, and then sit HER down, and let her know this is how it's gonna be. You are the adults, not her, and she does NOT rule the roost!

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 12:33 PM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • Mine all went through the same. I would send cards weekly and child support. Call on birthdays and holidays. Keep the door open. A letter a week might help she will read them eventually.

    Answer by gemgem at 12:35 PM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • i would agree bout calling the cops if she runs away except that at 17 the runaway laws no longer apply.. they will still look for her though and ask her to come home but they wont make her return and will notify you when they've found her and where she is.. but as the police so politely told my niece at 17, you are considered an adult under the law if arrested you dont get to go to juvey you go to jail.. and if the boy is younger than her and his parents dont approve they could file charges on her.. she's borderlining it and if she gets in trouble it may not stay on her juvenile record but may be permanent.. print off all the crap she has online and save it.

    Personally i'd call her and tell her you love her and that you'll always be there for her but if she thinks she's got all figured out then she's on her own.. and she needs to be aware that posting illegal activites online can be used by police to file charges on her.

    Answer by girlglow6 at 12:38 PM on Jun. 27, 2011

  • If I were 17 and told my dad to leave me alone, I would not like it if he called. I would prefer an email. But his ex needs to pull her head out and see what's really going on.

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 12:42 PM on Jun. 27, 2011

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