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How long do I keep trying - desperate for advice

Try to keep it short - but it didnt work.

So, two of my little sisters were molested by my step dad, one was a step daughter to him and the other biological, we all have the same mom. He drank a great deal during the time (no excuse) and called the police on himself after he did it to my sister, we later found out about my step sister (his bio daughter) she was 2-3 yo when it happened, but we don't know to what extent, all we know is the story he gives. My sister was 15 when it happened. He spent 3 nights in jail until my mother bailed him out with the life insurance she got from my father who was killed in a car accident that was supposed to be for me and my sisters college. (You can tell I'm bitter about a few things) well this molesting stuff happened twelve years ago, at the time I was 17. The rest of my family went through counseing, I refused b/c I was not the one witht he problem( remember I was 17). Anyhow, after all the court crap and jail, he was allowed to only visit at home if us kids were not there. My mom once paid me $20 for gas to leave so he could come over - that was the end for me and my mom there. I moved away across the country and we didn't talked for about three years.

We started speaking again when I was talking to my sister on the phone and casually found out my mom was in the hospital for health reasons. I got pissed nobody told me. My mom told everyone not to tell me anything about what was going on with them. I called her and told her, you may hate me, I may hate you, but damnit if you're on your death bed I deserve to know. So we slowly re-built a relationship back up. I am not forgetting what my step dad did, I just don't bring it up EVER for the sake of having a relationship with my mom. Fast forward 12 yrs later, I'm now 28 have a family of my own, DH and 3 kids. Relationship w/mom has had its rocky moments, but good enough I go to visit with my kids so she can meet her granddaughter who was born in Jan of this year, and so she can meet the rest of her family. Everything was fine (as it could be) I just pretneded like my step dad wasn't there.

Some how something came up as to why my sisters kids (sister who was molested by step dad) are not allowed to spend the night there while step dad is there. My other 2 baby sisters (One of which was molested by him) are like hu what're you guys talking about? The younger one (bio daughter who's now 18).....WTF my mom never told her!!!!! My bad me and my sister assumed she told her. So my mom begins telling the story sugar coating everything, I tell her no you tell her the right way or I'm going to to it. So she began telling how my step dad molested my sister yadda yadda yadda and she finished. I chimed in with um...and what about......and I "reminded" her what happend to my half sister (the one who is asking what happened and is now 18) she said OMG I forgot!!!!!!! Okay so we get all that out, and of course my 18 yo sister is weireded out.

Anyhow that 18 yo sister flies back with me to my house to be our nanny for the summer before starting college. Supposed to be here through Sept. After a week of her being at our house I get a call from my mom out of no F'n where saying I bought her a plane ticket home she needs to be at the airport tomorrow. Um, she's 18 she'll decide what she wants to do. I find out my mom threatened her, so she feels she has to go. Whatever, I take her, she's gone now. The week she was here I found out mom made some stuff up about me and DH, and told her only half stories as to why I moved away ten yrs ago. After my sister makes it back to my mom's I get a text from my mom, I just respond by saying, "I'm a little upset with you right now, please just leave it at that and I'll talk to you later." So about three days later I text her saying I am upset b/c you told my sisters .......and that is not the whole story and all this time they've hated me b/c of crap you made up. She doesn't respond and hasn't since then, its been a week and a half.

Its really stressing me out, my DH the great man he is, just asks me why I even try. And all I can do is cry and say b/c one day she's not going to be here. I'm just so torn, b/c one day she won't be here and will I regret not trying harder?? Or do I just let her go. There's a lot of hurt here, and she has me thinking Im the worst daughter in the world. I've left out other minor things along the way, but I hit all the key points. I think.

So my question is, Do I just let our relationship go between me and my mom, or is there something else I need to try? If you made it through all of this, thank you thank you thank for listening


Asked by yesmaam at 2:59 PM on Jun. 28, 2011 in Relationships

Level 22 (14,480 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • I think you've gone above and beyond. You can only take it so far- you can't carry the entire relationship. I have never understood a mother who would stay with her child's molester. That is wrong, and sick. I'm so sorry you've gone through what you have, and I'm sorry that you feel the way you do. It isn't your fault, and you are NOT a horrible daughter.

    Answer by lovingmy4babies at 3:28 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • Therapy, or leave it's your only two options really. Don't let all that past drama overwhelm your life now.

    Answer by Dahis at 3:04 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • I think you have done very well. I can't think of anything else you could do. Just keep the door open. Honesty is the way to go and it sounds like mom is still in denial or likes sweeping bad stuff under the rug. Let mom process what's happened since the lies have been brought out in the open. Just keep the door open for her if you want to keep a relationship with her. I'm sorry you are upset. Just let things settle.

    Answer by admckenzie at 3:04 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • Let her go. She's not a mother. She's an egg donor. A mother doesn't do the things this woman has done.

    Just because she birthed you doesn't make her your mother. Not in this case.

    Answer by gdiamante at 3:15 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • What a heavy heart you must have right now. You are in a tough situation. I agree with the reason you gave your DH for not giving up - she's not going to be here forever. I have a strained parental relationship like that, and I keep trying though I probably shouldn't, as well. But I can't picture myself standing at the funeral thinking, 'I should have tried, and now it's too late.' I don't want to live with any regrets. I guess the difference I had to make so my heart wouldn't be stomped on all the time is realizing I will never have a normal parent-child relationship - I will never be treated the way a child should be, I will never be a priority - and that is okay. My parent is doing the best that they are able to - piss poor though that best may be - and I accept the shortcomings. That realization is what gets me through it. Then I work to be the parent to my son that I wish I was blessed with. Take care.

    Answer by AngelicaDem at 3:17 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • wow that does sound like a lot to deal with. I know that you want to keep a relationship with ur mom even after all the falling out, but what are you gettin from this? Especially with all the heartache she has caused for u. Don't get me wrong I am in no place to judge. I just say you do what ur heart tells you to do. If you want to keep it cival then do so. But if all ur doing is tryin and not getting anything on her part then you have to just dust ur feet off n move on. It's hard cuz it's family, believe me I know bout that. hope all is goes well for you. Focus on ur family that you have right now and drown urself in their love for you. I also think your husband is right as's kinda hard to try n fix something when the other person doesn't wanna try on their end. Wish you all the best!!!

    Answer by goofygalno1 at 3:18 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • My opinion is that you have your own life to live now and it's unhealthy investing so much time in a situation where that relationship will never be what you want it to be. One day your mom will not be here, you're right. You need to make peace with your decision but you need to make one. The back and forth is taxing and your real family, the one you and your husband created needs to be your number one priority. If your mom can find time to make herself a part of that  so be it. But you're her child and she is the mother. Let her own it.


    Answer by 805doll at 5:53 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • I have been going through almost the exact same thing you have and know exactly how u feel. I don't have any advice but if u ever want to talk im here:)

    Answer by megclark22 at 6:16 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • You're a better woman than your mother. You can't change people (usually) as hard as we like to try. Take your losses and focus on your own family...have your relationship with your sister etc..and your mother the best you can but will NEVER be ideal most likely. That is really, really an ugly thing to have to carry around, so don't carry it around on your shoulders. Know that you still love your Mom but she won't change. Make your peace and move on. My situation isn't exactly the same as yours but similar in many ways and I had to get on with my life. She knows I love her so if she goes...I know she won't go feeling unloved by me. I know she loves me in her strange way so...I won't feel bad about that. I have my own family to put my ALL into today. Good Luck, I hope you find what makes you feel better inside!! I'm glad you have a great Hubby..that really helps!!

    Answer by KellyGirl_TX at 8:24 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • i dont think i would have restarted a relationship back with my mother after her posting your step dad's bail. that should have been a sign that what he did didn't matter. she is a sick woman as well for accepting him and accepting what he did to her own daughter and step daughter. and now starting stuff again with your sister and telling lies about you and your DH. that's just petty. just break off ties with her seriously. you know where she stands on things.

    Answer by lucky35 at 2:56 PM on Jun. 29, 2011