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2 Bumps

Am I being unfair? (Mildly long)

Quick background: my stepdaughter has a lot of issues that I won't get into but we are dealing with them and she is seeing a therapist. Over the last month, she has increasingly refused to behave with me, do what I ask her etc. to the point of being out of control (but will do whatever Daddy says).
My bio dad, stepmom and sister are visiting this weekend, trying to re-connect after my lifetime of having no relationship. I am sending my stepdaughter to the babysitter (but not my daughter (same father) as she is 7 mos old and doesn't give me any major problems) while they are visiting, and we may go out to lunch.
My mother and husband feel I am being unfair to my stepdaughter, like I am shunning her. I don't feel that way at all! I love her to pieces, but I will not tolerate one more incident of hers in a public setting. I refuse to. Why is it wrong of me to want to be able to not have to worry about her being an unruly brat while trying to re-connect with family? (I will admit I am not looking forward to this visit, but if they are willing to try, then so am I.)

 
Kari727

Asked by Kari727 at 3:40 PM on Jun. 28, 2011 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Level 16 (2,741 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • she is acting out because she believes you will not leave her. she needs to be shown that you love her, but not that she can do whatever she wants to you. i would start by talking to her about how she acts is disruptive, how you cant do fun stuff with her if she acts badly. then if you can, have her around until she starts acting out, then have her go to the sitters. If you cant do that, then have her be at the sitters the whole time. but be sure to exsplane why you are acting like you are. she my not get it right away, but over time she will understand.

    happy-go-lucky

    Answer by happy-go-lucky at 4:09 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • she's testing boundaries with the one person in her life she can... i get that you want it to be a smooth weekend but at the same time she's also learning how to fit you- her new "mother" into her life- and she's obviously been through quite a bit if biomom has lost all her rights.. i dont know how long ago this happened but can tell you this, my mom adopted her youngest grandchild at age 5, she's 13 now and still struggles everyday with her mother losing her rights... she wants a normal family, mom dad sisters brothers, that she will never have.. and it effects her more on some days than others.. its good she's in therapy, but i hope you are as well.. she needs a mother, and like it or not the job has become yours, and though she may have some misplaced anger with you and blame you for what has happened- she's angry with you and acts out because its safe to do so, be patient and dont give up
    girlglow6

    Answer by girlglow6 at 4:05 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • I would make it while DH is home and he keeps her, not a babysitter.
    2teens2LOs

    Answer by 2teens2LOs at 3:42 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • i feel the same as your family.. u keep doing things like that the more ur SD is going to take it out on you. the more she will not listen.. You need to bring her and show her she is part of your family and that you care and love her too.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:44 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • Look, this isn't a stepdaughter thing it's behavioral. If she can't prove to behave, she can stay with the sitter. If she can behave, she should come.
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 3:46 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • If a child is having behavioral problems its not right to push them aside!!! they need to feel wanted too.. shes going to hate her sister if you keep doing stuff like that!!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:49 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • Well, clearly she's been through hell. I still don't think it changes the approach because at some point, she'll have to learn good behavior to operate in life. I would do this: Call the therapist (the professional) and ask if at this point, it's okay to start working on behavioral issues by losing privileges, etc. If not, what course of action is appropriate for a child who's in this situation. Obviously, you don't want her to feel abandoned and uncared for but at the same time, she'll need to learn how to behave. Where do you strike a balance? Ask the therapist and go from there for techniques on how to find the balance or effective ways of handling her.
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 4:06 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • I feel for you. My oldest (who has none of the issues your sd has) has behavior problems and it's a lot to deal with. She ruined every family outing we tried to have from the time she was 4 until recently (she turns 11 today). She would just throw a huge fit, scream, yell, hit, throw a full on tantrum worse than a 2yo whenever we went out. After awhile we just stopped bringing her once we were living with my dad who volunteered to watch her so we could enjoy some family time together because, frankly, bringing her with was not enjoyable. It was me spending 95% of my time dealing with her tantrum while the other 3 kids were ignored and had to listen to her scream at the top of her lungs. No punishment helped. She didn't care. She's finally started to calm down son (around 10 1/2). She has her moments but she's manageable now and has finally learned that she can't ruin outings for everyone.
    justanotherjen

    Answer by justanotherjen at 5:50 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • Does the step daughter live with you full time?
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 3:44 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • Work schedules and my families travel schedule doesn't allow for that to happen.
    Kari727

    Comment by Kari727 (original poster) at 3:44 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

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