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3 Bumps

Resentment

My children came home from their dad's house and said that SM seemed mad at them. I asked if they were being annoying or not behaving (they are 6 and 8 so I do know they can get like that). They said no, but then again what kids would own up to it. They said that anytime they asked for something she would roll her eyes and mutter under her breath. So I decided to call her, my ex and I divorced almost 7 years ago (while I was pregnant with the 6 year old) and they got married about 4 years ago so we are on pretty good terms. When she picked up I just told her what my kids had said and told her that what they were saying didn't add up because she has always been kind to them (well at least she has never been mean to them). She said she is just having a hard time recently, they have 2 children together and she is pregnant and they are just not doing well financially. She said it's hard because she just found out she will have to quit her job because to put all 3 in day care would cost more then she makes and therefore, she is going to have to give up her car meaning she will have to stay at home all day 5 days a week with 3 young children. As it is, they are having a hard time paying their bills she told me they applied for food stamps and they were denied, once she has to quit her job, when the baby is born, they will be able to get them. She said she does feel bad for being resentful to my children but it's hard to see the money go to child support for my kids that could at least help her keep her car. Basically, she was asking me to not take child support anymore. Currently, my ex pays $525 a month for 2 kids, I don't ask anything for medical or activities even though he is supposed to pay 50%, and really, the CS is less then he should be paying because this was done when we got divorced and he makes much more now. I feel for her, I really do but we aren't doing that much better. My DH is an RN and I am a teacher however, I was told at the end of this last year, I was being laid off and I am due any day now and in addition to the 2 I have with my ex, I have a 2 year old. Next school year, I will be able to sub but it's nothing steady and it's not a lot of money when I do get a sub job. I say all of that to say I feel bad for her but we are really not in a position to help them but I don't want my kids to be resented because their dad helps support them. She even said they went to a lawyer to see if they could get the child support reduced but since it was based off of his and my income not her's, her having to quit won't change anything and since he should be paying more anyway, getting a reduction on the CS based off of the fact that they have more children wouldn't work anyway. How can I handle this? I am kinda hurt that my ex is trying so hard to get it reduced when he is already getting so much of a break.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:44 PM on Jun. 28, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • Screw it. It's his responsibility and he should PAY up. Sorry, don't feel badly. They had more kids and they need to pay for what they created, esp. if you're not collecting medical. I think it's lame he's trying to get a reduction on the CS. No, he's a father of all these darn kids, he can get a second job. It's called responsibility. Don't feel badly. What you have with him is separate of what she has with him. Either way, he pays for ALL his kids...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:51 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • It doesn't sound like you and step mom are on as good terms as you think. Stop talking to her and talk directly to your EX. It is not your fault they have 3 kids and a tone of bills. If he get stupid threaten childsuport court.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 3:57 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • Lol by good terms, I just mean we aren't nearly as bad as many of situations.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 3:59 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • See I grew up with my about 1/4 of my dad's pay going to his CS for his oldest son while my mom stayed at home because they couldn't afford to put the 3 of us in daycare (me and my twin brothers). But on the other hand, my DH works very hard to support our family and if I gave up the CS, he would have to work even harder and that's just not fair. I was also talking to my mom about this and she said charity begins in the home, meaning you have to take care of your own family first.Now that I don't work, I have gotten into oouponing and have thought about sending some snacks over with my kids when they go since with the coupons, I hardly pay anything for them
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:06 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • Can't feel sorry for her when she KNEW he had two kids to start with. And they should have figured out the cost of an additional child vs. the cost of birth control. Sorry to be so crass, but i get tired of second wives complaining about child support. When you marry someone, you do take on their responsibliites, or at least are aware of them. When i married my husband, i had no debt. He had 30k in student loans. Well, that's part of OUR budget, like it or not, that's reality.
    boobarandbell

    Answer by boobarandbell at 4:14 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • oh, and for her to resent the kids and act unkind towards them is irresponsible and immature.
    boobarandbell

    Answer by boobarandbell at 4:17 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • ~*Wow*~... so she is asking you to give up support on your two kids, before she ever came into the picture, or chose to get knocked up three times??? Is it just me or a case of a lack of common sense? You had arrangements with your ex before she chose to be with him, knowing his situation, and she chose to than have three kids with a man that has 2 he's paying on... ???

    I think she needs to learn how to live in the situation she caused, your not going out of your way to "stick it" to your ex, you try to be civil, and what they created isn't your fault... you didn't knock her up, make her quit her job, and you aren't asking for more than the CS owed... she'll need to learn to live with her choices?
    MommaClark3

    Answer by MommaClark3 at 4:26 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • you can send your kids with the snacks as a way to help out with them, but honestly, your kids were born first and Ex decided to have more kids know of his montary responsiblity to what he already had. she is whining about giving up her car and job and having to spend time with her kids, it is time for her to grow up and realize with kids comes the issue of having to give stuff up for them.. tell her to take her place and stand in line....you have been more than fair with ex....if he and she doesn't see that.....then maybe it is time to show them what they could have to pay but demanding what truelly be longs to your kids. as for your ex, tell him i have been more than fair with cs, if your wife is going to show them resentment toward our kids for decisions you have made, then maybe other arrangements need to be made bc that is abuse. kids aren't responsible for bad decisions that adults make, nor should they be.
    southernlady184

    Answer by southernlady184 at 4:33 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • well I would talk to the kid's father about this... OK so they tried to get it reduced and was told no fine. NO, you shouldn't let him stop paying child support. but the issue about the way she's treating your children because of their financial issues should be resolved. The kid's father should be made aware of this problem and he should be allowed to deal with it. I'm a SM and I would never ask this of the BM much less take things out on the kids it's completely wrong. and the Father may not even know it's happening the first thing I'd do is call and have a talk with him .. and don't let them trying to down size their bills upset you. or hurt your feelings... I'd start off with the issue at hand "THE KIDS"... I wouldn't make threats or anything threats are never a good way to solve a problem.

    traren

    Answer by traren at 4:46 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • I think you are already being extremely generous so there really isn't anything else you can do. Your two kids were here first. Most families who are having a hard time financially don't go out and have more childfren. He doesn't get a discount on his oldest kids just because he decided to have more kids with his new wife. That's just how it is. You can feel bad for her but she made these decisions with him and now she has to find a way to deal with everything.
    glam.fairy

    Answer by glam.fairy at 5:03 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

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