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It is hard to not play favorites with my daughter in laws ...

I will admit that sometimes I am not that easy to get along with, but that being said I love my family and I would do anything for them...

This past year both of my sons met, married their wives and now they are both expecting my first grandchildren ( both girls) ...

At first I wasnt that happy with either of them... *M* has been married twice before and just acts very lazy and has an attitude of " do as i say if you know what is good for you" .. and my other DIl *A* , well her and my son got married ( and pregnant) 6 weeks after meeting.

Like I said they are both pregnant, *A* is due in august and *M* is due in september... *A* has been one of those very happy pregnant women... even though she has had morning sickness 99% of the time, she still puts on a smile... she also considers this baby a celebration of family, and therefore has involved us all in her pregnancy and that means alot... She has invited me ( and her mom ) to her appts, is excited to show us all of her baby things ( which makes me excited lol) , she even asked if I ( and her mom ) wanted to be there with her and my son when the baby is born ... and she has said that she welcomes anyone who wants to come to the hospital who wants to meet the baby...... Besides the pregnancy i can just tell she has a good personality ( hopefully that doesnt change after the baby comes lol ) ... she is just very care free and pleasant, she doesnt make a huge deal or fuss about things... and maybe it is because of her good attitude that makes *M* look like a sore thumb.

*M* has made a list of things she wants for her babyshower and even put on the invites that if it is not on her registry she will return it ... She has said that they will not call anyone when the baby is born but when they get home my son can call to tell us the details and after 2 weeks we can come see her... they wont even tell us her name ( they already have it picked out) .. besides the pregnancy , this is pretty much how she has always acted, we would literally have to make an appointment to come visit ( like we would have to call a week ahead) ... and then once we got there we would feel so uncomfortable and she would hurry us out the door ( with *A* i could show up in my pjs and prop my feet on the table and she wouldnt care...not that i really would, but its just the point of it) ...

Ok so i honestly never planned on liking one more than the other - that was never my intentions... and I actually feel badly because I know when my grandaughters are here, i will most likely be closer with *A*s since I will get to see her more and just have more of a role in her life.... and I hate thinking like that , but as time gets closer I think i should just prepare myself, so I am not heartbroken... but on the other hand, what I am suppose to do, not spend as much time with *A*s , just so it would be even ? ( i dont want to do that) .... what would you do though?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:03 PM on Jun. 28, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • I'd give respect where its given. They are both you daughter in laws and family but if the not so darling one wants you to be kind to her, she needs to do the same.

    Answer by sugamama3 at 10:13 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • I would try to remain friendly with both, and be as involved with each as they will allow you to be. I agree that it is not fair to you to have to reduce your time with the other to be "fair". I would keep asking both equally as much about visiting and seeing your grandbabies, but ultimately you don't have much choice but to accept your sons' and DILs' decisions regardless of what they are. Unfortunately, if the woman's attitude continues, I don't know how a third marriage could last. It is too bad that there will be a child involved now, but imagine living with the woman day to day.

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 10:17 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • It doesnt seem like *A* cares to much about being a favorite, so I would not worry about it. Id be kind to her & respect them in whatever they choose to do but nicely let them know it hurts or let your son know (in a non- secretive dramatic way) how you would like to be involved more.
    Its very sad how strict *A* seems to be. What is your sons feeling. Does he agree with all this?!
    And Id take the DIL I enjoy more & eat it up!

    Answer by MommaTasha1003 at 10:26 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • To be very honest, you really need to understand that it's okay if M doesn't involve you in every aspect of her pregnancy. Many women feel it's a private thing or at the very least some aspects of it are private for them and their husband. Just because you are the grandmother doesn't mean you absolutely need to attend every doctor's appointment and watch her delivery her and your son's baby. As for you having to "make an appointment" to see them, a call ahead is considerate. They might not be home or they might be busy. As for registry requests and you waiting two weeks to see their newborn, she could not be getting away with this without your son going along. Obviously your sons married two different kinds of women but a lot of what you said sounds a lot like you just don't like that your sons got married and are becoming fathers so fast. You might need to just understand that they are grown ups now.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:28 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • Anon.. i never planned on being that involved... i just tried to mean it as... i would like to atleast get a call the day ( or even day after) my grandchild is born... I know that now a days it is common to have that much alone time and privacy ( that is why I am so delighted and surprised that *A* is letting me be involved as much as she is ) ...

    I always call ahead before visiting *M*s house... but like I said i have to call atleast a week ahead and then once we get there she wont even talk to us and it is like after 10 mintues she is saying things to get us out the door.

    I just made this post because I was upset, that my son ( who is married to *M*) is upset that I spend so much time with *A* and that they KNOW I will favor *A*s child... but I tried to explain... I already know it will be hard to be as close as I want to be with there daughter, especially if they wont even let me know her name until she is half a mo

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:36 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • ** half a month old...

    I am not upset that they are "grown" and having their own families... *M*son is 33 and *A* son is 28 ... I wished they had done this sooner.. i just meant that since I am sort of old fashioned I didnt really liked the idea of marrying a woman who has already been married twice before or that one married and got pregnant someone he only knew for 6 weeks...

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:38 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • I can see why M has been divorced twice already. When the grand babies come, they only thing you can do is give both of your granddaughters the same opportunities (gifts, visits, etc) If M chooses not to allow you to give these opportunities to her daughter then that is on her.


    Answer by JeremysMom at 10:40 PM on Jun. 28, 2011

  • Understand that everyone's family dynamics are different. Some people are lovey-dovey and very openly affectionate. Others, for one reason or another like to keep relationships on an as-needed basis. I'm one of the latter. My mom, dad, stepdad, and all grandparents are the same. Hugs only when necessary. My relationship with my husband and sons is very different, sloppy kisses and holding hands everywhere we go... but this does not include my mil. I can't explain it, but I'm just not comfortable being exposed to her. I bet it has to do with self confidence.

    No one said you had to like them equally, or at all. Just love those babies as much as your heart can hold, see them as often as you can, and help/give as much as you are allowed. *hugs*

    Answer by matobe at 12:06 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • Sounds like two different personalities. I would ask M if there is something you can do to make her feel more comfortable with the family. She sounds like she wants privacy. We never told our kids names till after they were born. It leaves a bit of surprise in it.

    Answer by kansasmom1978 at 12:43 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • Sounds like M has an anxiety disorder, possibly caused by problems with her first husband, which affected her second marriage. Good for your son for sticking by her! And good for her for figuring out what she needs to do to survive. Its not easy to live that way, I know. Try to understand that she has been through plenty, and isn't going to be carefree and happy, like a silly single girl who was swept off her feet in 6 weeks and instantly came up pregnant. Be happy for both of your daughters-in-law, because they are BOTH your daughters now. Everyone is different, and you very well may end up loving them for different reasons. I'm sure your sons are not identical, but you still love them both.

    Answer by LunaB at 3:22 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

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