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4 Bumps

How do you know when the trust is irreparable in a relationship?

I am a35 y/o divorced single mom,I have been dating a 39 y/o divorced man for the past 6 months. Several things have taken place that have me questioning his faithfulness. An example is that I found out that he had an on line profile for a dating website active and when I found out he said" I guess,to a degree,I was keeping my options open". We have already been to counseling about these issues and now,as recent as yesterday I am in a sandwich shop with my daughter and his son and he goes out front to fill the car up and after a few minutes he still didnt return,I look out the window and he is talking to the store clerk,this went on for at least 3 minutes,when he came back in I said "what did you possibly have to talk about with the store clerk for all that time ". He said "She came up to me while I was filling up and continued to ask me questions about where I was from,etc..I finally told her good bye but could tell that she wanted to continue the conversation". He then said that I was insecure,I then said that if I didnt always have a new issue with him and other women I wouldnt be this way, I am a very attractive individual,he is as well,I think that he has an issue within himself because he constantly seeks out attention from other women,he says that he only loves me...I am not crazy even though he has me feeling like I am,am I completely overreacting in being upset that he engaged in such a lengthy conversation with her?? I am completely miserable,I know that I should probably walk away from the relationship,but even when I do,I end up taking him back.....please give me your advice.

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:12 AM on Jun. 29, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • If you've only been dating 6 months I'd say this is not a good foundation to build a lasting relationship. If you need counseling already that is a huge red flag. You have children, think about them first. Honestly, I find it a bit shocking that you have already integrated the kids, how old are they?

    I can't say who is right and who is wrong in the situation based just on what you wrote, but obviously given the short time you've been together something is very wrong.

    Answer by gramsmom at 9:21 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • Honestly, there is no actual point when trust can't be gained back. It is different for everyone. It seems like you have had a lot of isses in your short relationship (short timewise). If you have already needed counseling I would think there is more wrong with these 2 things you have stated. Either way, you have to decide when enough is enough. I personally don't think a conversation with another women is a deal breaker BUT you have your reasons for feeling that way.

    Answer by ILoveCade at 9:25 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • I would let him off with the store clerk thing... with all due respect, I do think you're overreacting about that. I'm sure you have issues from the divorce, that kind of thing is not good on anyone's emotions. The dating profile, that's another story. It also depends though on when you found it - was it a couple month after you started dating? Just a couple of weeks ago? This makes a huge difference. If it was early in the relationship, let it slide. He was divorced too, and I'm sure he probably was hesitant about jumping right back into a serious relationship.

    You need to relax, or it will be the undoing of the relationship. Tell him seriously and rationally, with no accusatory language, that those sort of things really bother you and you are having a difficult time establishing trust after your divorce. If he understands, hooray! If he gets mad and whatnot, dump his ass and move on.

    Answer by cypressandsage at 9:25 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • He is a single man, and he thinks like a single man thinks. For whatever reason, women start seeing a man and very soon start to think in terms of commitment and loyalty. This is not how men think. It's one of the most basic differences between the sexes. And any woman who is on the hunt immediately looks at the ring finger on the left hand of the man in whom she is interested. She sees him as fair game. Unfortunately, to some women, even the ring doesn't make any difference, but without it, he is for sure a trophy to be won. Said man is always flattered by said woman's attention. Whatever you do to attract a man is the same thing every other woman is doing to attract him also. You cannot force a single man to behave like he is married, and my experience is that few single men choose to behave as if they are married. You have to decide how much you are willing to share him. It's more about sharing than it is trust.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:37 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • I agree with Nanny B. He is a single man and shouldn't be expected to live like a married man.

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:40 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • If he's keeping his options open, then he's not looking at you as his future.
    You already got him into relationship counselling six months into the relationship? Wow.
    Failed expectations will cause issues. Sounds like your expecting more commitment from him and he's not giving it. That's an issue right there, for you and for the way you handle the relationship. Maybe if you reframe the relationship as casual dating, you can relax.

    But as to trust, I don't see this as a trust issue. Insecurity, possible. How upset did you get? Are there any other reasons that contributed to this event? Are you really ready to date or just need a FWB?

    Answer by isabellalecour at 9:44 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • "I guess I was keeping my options open" would have been the signal for me to pack up his spare scanties and toothbrush, throw it on the front porch and stop taking his calls. Stay with this guy and I guarantee that six months from now, he's going to say "I just don't feel that way about you anymore" which is Asshole Code for "I found myself some flexible hotties who have sufficient brain damage that they haven't noticed that I'm an asshole yet, so I'd like to tap that before the hammer drops."

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 9:52 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • Personally, I do not think you over-reacted at all. For all you know, she could have been someone from that damn dating site!! Since it has been only 6mths., maybe it is best to let go. If it is meant to be, it'll be. You need to leave your options open also. Date for a while (w/ other ppl) before trying to get serious w/ anyone. Enjoy life! You are still young!

    Answer by LittlesMom549 at 12:25 PM on Jun. 29, 2011

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