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What is the deal with my dh and mother-in-law?

My dh's mother-in-law had foot surgery and was supposed to recuperate at her sister's house until she healed up. Yesterday I learned that she's gonna be at my brother-in-law's house for the weekend, and he's leaving for the 4th of July weekend. Dh is traveling an hour and a half to stay with her. Kinda the same thing happened a ways back, but it was at her trailer when she had some other surgery.

It seems to me that dh's brother is getting off scott-free when it comes to taking care of his mom while it' s US that gets stuck with everything. When I talk to dh about it he says I'm bitching and doesn't wanna hear it but wont talk to his brother about it. When I asked him last time "what if something more long term happens?" Dh goes "then I'll just move her in." If dh really tried to do that I'll go insane!!!! Am I wrong to not want her to move in?

The other thing I dont get is Dh's side of the family including mother-in-law isnt all that crazy about me but when it comes to being the family nurse suddenly I'm acceptable. Cuz when dh's stepdad had a stroke, dh took care of him while brother-in-law did diddly squat, on top of working AND with a very (still) injured back. After he died, mother-in-law told me on the phone we should have moved him in with us (he was living with a girlfriend who wouldn't take care of him) "just until he found his own place"--like that's supposed to be sooo reassuring. The she thinks we should foot half the funeral bill when brother-in-law said he'd cover it after he wouldn't lift ONE SINGLE FINGER. She didn't help take care of him either.

My opinion is that when mommy gets sick/old brother-in-law should have the majority of the work. It's his job too after all, not just dh's. And I've done my share anyways-I was forced to take care of my Grandma cuz mom wanted all the glory (and the IHSS checks) without having to do any dirty work.

Am I wrong to think brother-in-law should help? Starting to resent him and dh-and dh says I dont have a right to say anything.

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purplerobin

Asked by purplerobin at 9:44 AM on Jun. 29, 2011 in Relationships

Level 19 (6,416 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • The whole family should help. It is never easy and for the most part probably very inconvenient but family is family.

    Dahis

    Answer by Dahis at 9:46 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • Don't be bitter about it. Your husband is doing all he can FOR HIS MOTHER. Do you have sons? You might one day be in your MIL's shoes. How would you feel if your daughter in law didn't want yo moving in with them when you needed your son to help take are of you?

    BIL should help & he is. He may have had prior engagements when she moved in that he did not want to cancel. I would pat your husband on the back for being such a good son to his mother. He sounds like a good man.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:47 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • I'd rather be in a nursing home-I dont want my kids last memory of me being memories of wiping my butt. as for moving in-with his back he should NOT be playing nurse. He could lost his Social Security. Why couldn't she move in with brother-in-law?

    And if he's "helping" only barely--maybe HE could do nursing or move mother-in-law in? What I dont get is why I'm the black sheep but suddenly I'm good enough to live with, and be a nurse....


    purplerobin

    Comment by purplerobin (original poster) at 9:51 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • you husband is a good man. My husband would do the same thing. Just get over it.In the long run yoiu will seem very petty for complaining about this. It is not always about you and your man.Marriage encompases a lot of variables not just balck and white the re is a lot of grey inbetween.....been there done that
    geminilove7717

    Answer by geminilove7717 at 9:55 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • While I agree the bil or even sil if they have one should all be helping take care of her , But this is your husbands MOTHER and she needs him reguardless if the other family is helping or not You should be proud of your hubby for being there for his mom and not leaving her to deal with it on her own, I get you and her don't get along and that makes you not want to help her, but this has nothing to do with you and I agree with your hubby, this is his mother and not very many men will step up and take care of their mothers when they need it most, you have a good man and need to realize that! do you have kids? what would you think if one day you need them and they didn't help you just cause their spouse didn't want them to or think they should be the only ones helping? put yourself in her shoes oh and ftr I have had to keep my mil in my house (for months) my hubby has 3 other siblings and none help with her he makes me proud
    momto4girzls

    Answer by momto4girzls at 9:56 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • yes he is a good man-but brother-in-law should take care of her too-and not just-"oh babysit my house for a weekend while we go have fun". I'd like to enjoy a little time with MY husband too you know! (and one of his kids is grown the othe nearly so. I still have 2 very young children to take care of too, and our place is small).
    purplerobin

    Comment by purplerobin (original poster) at 9:58 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • It's not that I'd never help her, I would. But that shouldn't mean I have to move her in with me down the road.
    purplerobin

    Comment by purplerobin (original poster) at 9:59 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • How would I feel? I would ask them to help a little, but I'd expect BOTH MY BOYS TO HELP (errands and such) and I would NEVER ask to move in with them and impose like that. I'd go into a nursing home. I want my boys to visit me when I'm dying not be wiping my butt. That's what NURSES are supposed to do.
    purplerobin

    Comment by purplerobin (original poster) at 10:03 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • I get that you don't want your children doing these things but maybe his mom feels better and would rather her kids help, why isn't your bil helping? and what does your dh say about his brother not helping? it shouldn't be just your dh's responsibility but I am just gonna tell ya , you can't change people and my dh (out of 4 children) was the only one who has and still helps his mom and dad, the other kids always have to much to do to deal with them unless they are wanting money, I don't like it that my hubby is the only one helping and it does take a lot from your family time, but they are his parents so I repsect him cause I think he is being a great son, btw (we have 5 small children) and it is hard at times I feel like a single mom but I know my dh loves his parents and wants them to feel they can count on him, Idk what to tell you other than try and talk to dh but if his mind is set, it most likely won't do any good.
    momto4girzls

    Answer by momto4girzls at 10:12 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

  • :(

    Well if the situation with Grandmais any indicator this'll go on for YEARS! Must be nice to be brother-in-law and get to go gallavant whenever while someone else does the dirty work...
    purplerobin

    Comment by purplerobin (original poster) at 10:17 AM on Jun. 29, 2011

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