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What is the best way to handle when your husband says that his 12 year old daughter is fighting with her mom and wants to move in with you? What are smart ways to go about making sure this is a good thing for all involved. I am not against it by all means but I want to make sure that everybody understand the severity of the decision. None of this back and forth stuff. What do you think and what advice can you give me to handle this the correct way?

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Asked by terri0927 at 2:56 PM on Dec. 15, 2008 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (5)
  • well this question is in "cafemom" section so i dont know if you want it to be publicy answered, but i would have to say let the daughter cool down and wait to see what her answer is then, fighting always makes people want to go great lengths, but i would say give the daughter some time to cool down, sounds like the mother is trying to be a mother for goodness sakes.

    Answer by americansugar80 at 3:00 PM on Dec. 15, 2008

  • I think the first step would be to sit with your hubby and the two of you decide what the rules would be. Then, to tell her the rules. She may realize that (depending on what she and mom are fighting about) that the situation isn't going to be any better and that she has to accept it. Then, talking to the mom to get her take on the situation and how she feels about the daughter moving in with dad. Giving the daughter some time to cool down would be a good idea, too. If, after she calms down, she still wants to move, then it would seem more reasonable. Also, get the daughter to give her reasons for wanting to move. If she gives good, solid reasons, even in the heat of anger, then that would show she's put some thought into it.

    Answer by tropicalmama at 3:05 PM on Dec. 15, 2008

  • I've gone through this more times than I can count on my fingers....First of all, do not react immediately, it almost ALWAYS blows over and when it does you don't want to have said things you wished you hadn't. If it all blows over and the daughter still wants to come, yes you need full rules...and it needs to be legal. Do you pay child support? What would visitation be with her mother if she lived with you? There are probably 100 questions that need to be answered before you even say yes to the girl, but again, I'm guessing that 99% of the time, this kind of thing blows over.

    Answer by gramsmom at 4:36 PM on Dec. 15, 2008

  • If they are fighting, wait for everything to calm down so that a rational decision can be made by all parties (versus one out of anger). After things have blown over, give it a few weeks & if she still feels like she wants to move in with you, then begin to seriously entertain the idea.

    Answer by emslala at 8:12 PM on Dec. 15, 2008

  • I would do a trial stay. BUT, ALL OF YOU need to sit down and make sure the rules are being implied. She is stubborn I am sure because she did not get her way and thinks she will somewhere else, like there. Most kids this age are using the "parent fault" as an escape route of responsibilities.

    Answer by JLynn0871 at 4:08 PM on Dec. 19, 2008

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