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How do I deal with a 13 year old stepdaughter who knows how to manipulate her father by creating arguments between him and I?

Came from a nasty divorce and is the only child. Very clingy to her father and must be invluded in every conversation, even if the topic is foriegn or not of interents.

 
Kimbermom40

Asked by Kimbermom40 at 3:23 PM on Dec. 15, 2008 in Teens (13-17)

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Answers (10)
  • I'll get a lot of flack for this, but I honestly believe for many reasons that this is the way it should be. You need to come first to your husband and he needs to come first to you. Then together as "one" you take care of the children. When kids are put first in a marriage the marriage will always have a strain on it. The marriage needs to be put first, period. Sounds like maybe this isn't happening. There is a book that is for both husband and wife that explains this all much better than I could, it's called Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. I've been in your situation. I have a SS who lives with us and we had these problems from the start. They only got better when we put our marriage first. Now all of us are happier than ever before.
    feesharose

    Answer by feesharose at 5:21 PM on Dec. 16, 2008

  • Does your husband see how she is? or is he more blinded to the fact?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:40 PM on Dec. 15, 2008

  • My suggestion is that you have a conversation with your husband about what you see going on. Then the two of you sit down together and tell her how much you both love her and want what is best for her...which includes having set rules that cannot be manipulated. If you two can be on the same page, then there will be no more manipulation. Try to see where this girl is coming from...a split-up home, a new parent...I know without a doubt that she is confused, lonely and scared of her future....and needs some extra reassurance.
    RCook

    Answer by RCook at 4:59 PM on Dec. 15, 2008

  • maybe you should give her a bit of a break... you did mention that her father and mother just went through a nasty divorce. She's probably clinging to him because she's afraid she might lose him too. Remember, she doesn't want another woman to replace her mother [not that you're trying to]... she's probably upset. Put yourself in her shoes. You're not doing anything wrong, and I'm not saying what she's doing is right. :( I'm sorry you're going through this. Talk to her dad about it and try to be her friend.
    lillie023

    Answer by lillie023 at 8:07 PM on Dec. 15, 2008

  • I agree with lillie. Have some compassion for her. People get divorced move on and the children are supposed to get over it and act nice. Her whole foundation has been ripped out from underneath her. She is hurting not just a brat.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:37 AM on Dec. 16, 2008

  • BTW, if you ever want to talk or just vent about it, message me. Like I said, been there, done that.
    feesharose

    Answer by feesharose at 5:22 PM on Dec. 16, 2008

  • i agree with RCOOK but think you also need to try to bond w/her .. find a common interst, shopping/nails/gym/food related, anything where you alone can spend time with her to get her to like/accept you more.
    AmaliaD

    Answer by AmaliaD at 9:09 PM on Dec. 16, 2008

  • feesharose- im a siingle mom of two girls they are 5 and 6 but regaurdless they come before any relationship PERIOD it is my job as their mother to do what is best for them, Now im not saying that i always take their side on things clearly it cant be that way we live with my boyfriend and him and i have agreed if i see something i dont like if its a minor thing i wait and talk about it in private and correct the problem but on other things no i will call him on it in front of them (such as joking around with my 6 yr old when she was literally acting like a pig when she was eating he jokingly called her piggy face and i went off at him, she did get in trouble for acting that way and it was explained that you dont act that way at the table)
    mommie2twogirls

    Answer by mommie2twogirls at 12:38 PM on Dec. 17, 2008

  • i agree that the op should sit down with hubby and make sure he sees what she is doing but i also agree with the moms that say give her a break, but not to much otherwise she will forever walk all over you
    mommie2twogirls

    Answer by mommie2twogirls at 12:38 PM on Dec. 17, 2008

  • This is your husbands daughter who is going through a very difficult time. She may be feeling that you are taking her father away from her. Why don't you start involving her making her feel wanted and welcomed by you. Keep in mind this is your husbands daughter who will always be a part of his life. There is a special bond between fathers and daughters. Try to understand his daughter just wants to feel involved.  You need to remember your the adult and she is the child.  Let her know you are not replacing her mother and never speek poorly of her mother to her. Ask her what you can do to help her get along with you.  Good :Luck

    mommiedear

    Answer by mommiedear at 1:50 PM on Dec. 17, 2008

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