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5 Bumps

Still dont know what to say

About a week ago I posted about my lil sis who's 20 y/o & thought she was preg by her abusive bf. She had just gotten rid of him & even got a restraining order on him. Well, it turns out she was preg & just miscarried today. A trip to the ER confirmed it. While I know she feels sad for her loss, I cant help but feel it was a blessing in disguise. She would've forever been tied to this abusive loser! This way she will be able to completely move on w/ her life w/out him. She knows how the whole family felt about him. So I think it will be hard for her to turn to us for comfort. I'm thinking if she comes to me, I could say that maybe it's God's way of sparing her from a lifetime of struggles w/ him. Or that maybe something was wrong w/ the baby. She has her whole life ahead of her. And hopefully a better choice of father for her future children. Your thoughts/suggestions?


Asked by mrsmom110 at 8:38 PM on Jul. 1, 2011 in Relationships

Level 48 (284,686 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • Just tell her you're sorry and you know she's hurting right now. Anything other than that won't help, and no matter how well intentioned, will likely come across as some version of "I told you so". So just say you're sorry, hold her, and let her come to her own conclusions on why it happened and move on in her own time. I really think that's the best way to handle it.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:45 PM on Jul. 1, 2011

  • Dont suggest that soemthing was wrong with the baby that could freak her out. I would stick with Gods plan. I have had two miscarriages and it sucks but everything happens for a reason. For the next day or two people need to just be there with her, talk about anything but the miscarriage and just reassure her that she will be ok without him but if she had stayed with him the outcome could have been deadly. Let her talk about it if she wants be limit to much advise, this is probably the hardest thing I ever went thru. In a week or so then you can talk to her tell her she has her whole life ahead of her and that there is some great guy out there waiting to make her happy and have kids when the time is right. Tell her to place it all in Gods hands and he will lead her in the right direction. I have two great kids, it does get better. Prayers to her

    Answer by desperateat48 at 8:49 PM on Jul. 1, 2011

  • remeber the saying....."if you cant say nothing nice, keep it to yourself". even if he was/is a loser, she still loved him and the baby. even if she hated his guts, a baby is half her and him. A misscarage would be horrible for any woman to go though because they love the unborn baby and are losing a part of themselves with it. i have personally never had one that i know of, but it effect my mom and some other women that i know.

    Answer by dreamangel06 at 8:50 PM on Jul. 1, 2011

  • I don't know exactly what to tell you, but I know that when I lost my baby, the worst things people said to me were "you still have plenty of time for kids later on", "maybe its a blessing in disguise" or similar things like that. I mean to me, the loss of a baby is never a blessing in disguise no matter the situation. Might it make her life easier? Of course. I think you should just be there for her, let her express to you what she is going through, and go from there. Yes, one of the things that did help me was to look at possible reasons why my baby was taken from me. Maybe something was wrong with him and it was better he didn't have to live with it, but even just the knowledge that there is a reason for everything. God has a reason for everything that happens and though we may never know that reason, we just have to trust that it was His will. Praying for you to know what to say, and for her to have the strength she needs

    Answer by AprilDJC at 8:46 PM on Jul. 1, 2011

  • I agree with a few others dont use the it happened for a reason bit. just comfort her and be supportive. I miscarried after my ex fiance left for another woman and even though i NOW know it was a blessing in disguise, i was 19 and pretty much homeless since my ex kicked me out to move his new woman in. A friend told me that it was for the best, and i was soo hurt that she said that, it felt like she was saying i was being punished for even ending up pregnant by him in the first place. if she brings that stuff up just agree with her, let her lead the conversation. Im sorry she is going through this, hope it all works out for the best.

    Answer by gothmama91 at 9:55 PM on Jul. 1, 2011

  • A miscarriage is one of the most painful experiences a woman can go through.
    While from what you have described, she most certainly will be better off without
    someone like him in her life, this is still going to be a very difficult time for her.
    Unless you have suffered a miscarriage, please don't say you know how she
    feels as you cannot know unless you have been there. Your best option is to
    just let her know you are there for her if she wants/needs someone to talk to.
    Give her lots of hugs and just be there for her during this difficult time.

    Answer by chavela_carlita at 11:50 PM on Jul. 1, 2011

  • As a woman who has had 3 miscarriages, it's OK for you to FEEL that but please just hug her and tell her yu're sorry. She already KNOWS what you're thinking. Try to be respectful. A woman who has just lost a baby does NOT want to hear "It's for the best". Trust me.

    Answer by MamaMia9999 at 12:21 AM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • Honestly, I think it would be worse to try to turn losing a baby into a "good thing". I would let her know that you are sorry she lost the baby and that you know she would have been a good mother to that baby, and leave it at that.

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 9:05 PM on Jul. 1, 2011

  • I think the best thing you can do for her is be a shoulder to cry on and someone who can listen to her without judgement. I know it's tempting to share your opinions on the matter, but it would serve her better to refrain from them until she's strong enough to hear them. trust me she has enough pain and anguish to deal with now. be as supportive and possible. trust me, she NEEDS it.

    Answer by mmsfirstone at 9:27 PM on Jul. 1, 2011

  • I think you shouldn't say anything but that you are sorry for her loss. People really don't want hear those other things @ a time like that. I hated everyone telling me it was really common and that if the baby didn't survive there must have been something wrong anyways. I wanted to punch them all. I would just keep those things to yourself because she is going to be very vulnerable and that might just make her feel that much worse and might make her resent you.

    Answer by AF4life at 9:49 PM on Jul. 1, 2011