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Whininess

She is 5 y.o. cute, fun, love to sing, dance, dressing up and so inquisitive. But since she was born, very sensitive, cries a lot. Specially when tired, so annoying. She doesn't get her way from doing it. Does anyone has some ideas in how to easier her out of the whining or crying spells?

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brazilianmumsy

Asked by brazilianmumsy at 12:41 AM on Jul. 2, 2011 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Level 6 (125 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • Chances are, that she whines because she doesn't know how to express what she is feeling at the moment. As she grows and matures, she will outgrow it.
    kustomkrochet

    Answer by kustomkrochet at 9:11 AM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • I have found that what you resist, you create more of. (Resisting a child's clingy or neediness just exacerbates the problems or intensifies the behavior. Whereas accepting it, and responding by "front-loading" or really being sincerely available for "face time" so that you really fill their emotional cups, is a response to neediness/demanding behavior that relieves the problem without focusing on STOPPING it or "not allowing it.") Similarly, whining. Acceptance doesn't mean you "want it" or you love it or would pick it out of every option, lol. It means you are not resisting reality, but instead embracing it. Allowing it (and thereby allowing the opportunity for things to change.)
    I think crying & whining generally is irritating because of what it triggers in us, usually unconscious or unexamined thoughts & feelings, doubts. If we assume that being a "good mom" means fixing things, & our kid is hard to soothe, it can be hard
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:16 PM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • (cont)
    to tolerate her upset feelings. They feel "wrong," or very irritating, but this is generally because of unexamined beliefs. Usually when we experience any outward-focused feeling (such as anger, irritation, annoyance, blame, criticism), it is a secondary emotion. Meaning we felt something else first, or that the other-directed feeling lets us avoid a more vulnerable feeling because we can project the discomfort outward in blame, annoyance, etc. (rather than feeling insecure, worthless, incompetent...) So times when I'm noticing those sorts of feelings (that seem all about somebody else & their wrongness!) I can at least make a mental note that there probably is something going on inside me---this is the meaning of some behaviors (tones of voice, even) being "triggering." They trigger automatic reactivity.
    So that is another factor. The more I can acknowledge that my child can have her feelings, that it's not a problem,
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:21 PM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • (cont)
    then the more I can be available to her just to be present to her feelings. Letting her have them, and being present with them & with her, and just being. Not trying to change her, not NEEDING to change her, because I am less triggered to feel that her upsets are something TO fix/stop (or else I'm a "bad mom" or incompetent or something.) Once these thoughts are explored, I am free to let them go, or at least to notice them again the next time I feel similarly triggered, but to choose to know that they aren't true.
    The next piece is reflective listening. Not trying to convince a kid that her feelings don't make sense (because x, y, or z is true, or look at the bright side, or you can't change/it had to happen that so why be upset?) Not being reasonable or explaining things, not offering rebuttals, not "ignoring" her until she stops. Just reflecting, really GETTING what is upsetting & why that makes sense given her point
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:25 PM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • (cont)
    of view. This kind of reflecting (which is very accepting, since you are essentially grasping it, acknowledging it, and LETTING IT BE!) is very validating. You don't have to "agree" with something or someone to validate them; it just means you see how it makes sense that they could feel that way. For me, reflecting and allowing meant stepping past fear, stepping past the (fearful) instinct to avoid something or to minimize/downplay something & avoid saying it. It meant just acknowledging something ("that sounds really frustrating & like you can't even fix or change it") and allowing the kid her feelings. Very good things started to happen once I could get to this place, both in her (big things!) but also in me. I felt more present, less controlling, less triggered & defensive & irritable.
    Anyway, this is all I have time for but it is a nutshell of what has been very helpful for me, for any age (toddlers & older) so far.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:28 PM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • My rd was sensitive I stopped giving in to it and she grew out of it I teach her confidence
    rinamomof2

    Answer by rinamomof2 at 11:59 AM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • Thanks for all your responses, I have tried many things to help my lil bela control her whininess, her emotions, I guess she just need to mature on her own time. There were times when we were in the car she start crying about something she wanted and could not have it, she would say, I only stop crying with a hug...
    If she had an absent mother I would understand that need, but not with the cuddly mother she got:)
    I 'm a stay home mom, and there's no better pleasure I could have then been available to my kids needs. We are not perfect, so I rely on God to give me strength and wisdom to be the best I can be.
    brazilianmumsy

    Comment by brazilianmumsy (original poster) at 1:11 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

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