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2 Bumps

Am I doing something wrong here? TMI

My boyfriend says he needs reassured that he's good in bed. He is and I tell him all the time, plus I'm very vocal and normally initiate things. Is this all stemming from him being cheated on in the past? Or is he unhappy with our sex life? I'm obviously not fulfilling some need here. We've talked and he's told me what will help, but then what? Is everything solved or will he need something more later down the road? I was very happy with our sex life, now I'm feeling some anxiety about the next time.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:37 AM on Jul. 2, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Sex is a gift from God for two people to become one. The problem is we sleep around with different boyfriends and such before settling down. The gift is destroyed because it becomes something to just do. It also sounds like he is having some emotional problems. He needs help.
    attap5

    Answer by attap5 at 9:43 AM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • It could be from his past insecurities or an insecurity somewhere else manifesting in the sexual aspect. It could also be his personality (or a personality disorder). Some people need to please others and some people are always insecure. Ask him why he thinks that you're not pleased. The answer to this issue really lies in him and how he sees this as a problem. He may be used to feedback being a certain way or it could be deeper, like his not feeling good enough for you. You need to take the cognitive approach and dissect his reasoning, step by step to see how his logic works. This usually involves the why and how questions. How do you let me know that I satisfy you? (usually it's a reflection of what they expect from u) How could I let you know better when I like something? Learn how he gets to that point where he feels insecure. It could be a mixture of nonverbal and verbal miscommunication and different reasoning than you
    hellokittykat

    Answer by hellokittykat at 9:50 AM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • "I need to be reassured that I'm good in bed" is Man Code for "I need to be reassured that I'm good in bed by banging random hotties and getting THEM to tell me I'm good in bed."
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:05 AM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • I don't agree with the above statement about the "man code". My hubby needs to be reassured sometimes, but he needs to be reassured that he still turns me on. He thinks that he is fat (he is not, but he is a big guy) and ugly (again he is not) and he thinks that I am too attractive to be turned on by him (also completely false). It is not because he wants to have sex and hear how good is from other women it is because he wants to make sure that I am still happy with him. I give him the reassurance he needs and that is the end of it.
    AF4life

    Answer by AF4life at 10:10 AM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • Anonymous, you're very wrong. I've talked to his friends and family about the exes and they're all basically golddiggers that pounced on a generous guy until another target came in their sights. He's the kind of guy that truly wants to get married and have a family, he's a real genuine good guy. I'm just worried that he's not going to be able to get past what has happened. I've been cheated on too, without therapy I'd still be a mess.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:19 AM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • I'm sorry but I agree with anon. Love is blind and insecure men cheat for validation. He's telling you straight up he's not getting the validation he needs from you and you're trying your best, what now?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:28 AM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • I haven't been trying to reassure him. His confidence is a bit shattered, I think he thought he was cheated on because he was overweight. He lost the weight and it happened again. So now we are together, a year into it and due to an injury he's gaining some weight back and can't last as long in bed. It's not trouble for me, quite honestly I enjoy it even more. Now we're much better matched, except I'm thinking now that I can keep up with him he's thinking it's a bad thing. This is the first time he's said anything, I'm just worried it's going to be an ongoing issue because of his past.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:02 AM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • Oh .. Well you're probably right, it will be..we all have past issues we inadvertently force our partners to deal with. I used to be a mess and sabotage every relationship I was in until I went to counseling, which is something I never thought I would do but my counselor untangled all the crap in my head and I'm a much easier person to love these days! She helped me in ways my friends & boyfriend never could. Most men are opposed to counseling, is yours?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:09 AM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • Sounds like a control issue to me. I would tell him if I do not satisfie you in bed. I guess we a through.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 11:23 AM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • I haven't brought it up in this context yet, he has said if we were married he would do it before a divorce. I may have tosuggest therapy if this comes up again. The more I'm talking on here, I'm really thinking it has to do with that injury, which hopefuly he can get surgery for and feel better in a few months.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:27 AM on Jul. 2, 2011

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