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I dont know whether to be pissed at dh, bil, or both---arghhhhh!!!!!!

For those of you who didn't read my last question, dh's mother is staying an hour and a half away for the weekend at bil's house b/c she's recuperating from foot surgery. The original plan was she'd have surgery and then stay at her sister's house, as she's a nurse and lives in the same town that she had surgery in until she was recovered enough to go home. As far as I can tell (b/c otherwise dh would have set me straight with a smartass comment of SEE? She DID have a good reason for leaving DIDN'T SHE?) there was zero reason she couldn't have stayed at her sister's house until she was done recuperating. So now, dh has to travel an hour and a half to take care of her for a couple days while bil goes and gallavants and has fun. Dh has also said he isn't coming home until the DAY OF the 4th-so basically all we're gonna have time to do by the time he gets home is throw a bunch of stuff in the car and go watch fireworks, and bil gets a whole weekend to goof off.

I feel that she should have A) stayed at her sister's house until she was done recuperating like the original plan was B)bil could have waited to go out of town and taken care of her since he lives in the same town and EVERY OTHER TIME it's dh who gets called on to help her C)she could have scheduled the surgery during a time she wouldn't be recuperating over the 4th of July weekend.

This is the same mother who had dh take care of her a couple months ago from some other surgery she had, another time had him drive over 3 hours out of his way b/c she wanted to go somewhere and the truck she bought didn't get good enough gas mileage for her. (she wasn't thinking practically and whether she'd actually be able to drive the thing, she just thought about what she WANTED).

I think it's wonderful that dh wants to help her out and take care of her, but it seems like it's just HIM that's getting all the brunt of all the work and I think bil should do his share too. I'm also irritated because I think his mom was being selfish by not staying with her sister until she was fully recuperated. I also feel, especially since bil lives in the same town as her, that she should call HIM for help once in awhile. My dh isn't her only kid. Helping mom out is a wonderful thing, but it shouldn't just fall to one kid. Thoughts?

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Asked by purplerobin at 6:35 PM on Jul. 2, 2011 in Relationships

Level 19 (6,413 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • I can completely understand why you are frustrated, but the truth is, you can't control your MIL. Wouldn't it be nice if we could? But you can't. You can set limits for yourself. You can set limits for your marriage. You can explain why you need him this weekend. You can ask him to promise that if this happens again he won't give in to it, but you can't control her mother in law. You also aren't responsible for her. If she needs help, she can ask. Your husband doesn't "need" to do anything. Is it possible he is codependent? Does this happen a lot?
    I hope this gets resolved, but either way, please enjoy your 4th. You can only control your own life girl. xo

    Answer by kidnappedbylove at 6:42 PM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • If the brother is away, do you have room to bring her to your house? Maybe that is the answer. Then you and him can be together and she can be there as well. Might help in your relationship with her. Family is all we have. Be the bigger person and don't be jealous of his mother.

    Answer by BrendaW. at 6:43 PM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • thanks, kidnappedbylove. When I talk to dh about it he says he's happy to help his mom, and I think it's great he wants to help her. If down the road she needs something I'll help as well-I just think everyone should chip in. He says he wont say anything to bil b/c he "doesn't like confrontation". I said I understand that, but if you never confront people you'll end up being their doormat.

    Comment by purplerobin (original poster) at 6:45 PM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • Brenda-we live in an upstairs 2 bedroom apartment. It would not work to bring her here-plus her and I have issues, though that's not to say I'll never help her. I'm not trying to sound jealous, I'm saying his mother sounds selfish. And what of bil's responsibility?

    Comment by purplerobin (original poster) at 6:47 PM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • Honestly, I don't think confronting his BIL will help, but I do think he shouldn't feel like he needs to pick up his slack. He doesn't need to cover. If he isn't trustworthy, then your MIL should stop trusting him, but just assuming your husband with jump in when he bails, that's bullshit. You have every right to put your family first. Helping is one thing, feeling like you HAVE to is another. Helping comes from a giving place, not a place of obligation. If his family is making him feel obligated, he should know he always has a choice. xoxo

    Answer by kidnappedbylove at 6:52 PM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • i can understand the frustration that you feel. i hop ethat his gets settled and you guys can work out future arrangements so that you guys dont get the brunt of all of it

    Answer by amberpaiz at 6:55 PM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • I agree, I don't think talking to the BIL will help but you need to sit down with your hubby and explain why you need him this weekend. He doesn't need to pick up the slack from everyone else, he has his own family to take care of and I think that should come first expecially on a holiday.

    Answer by countrygirl06 at 6:59 PM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • i think this is really between your husband and his family, when ever mine goes home they have him running around like an errand boy, going to get things for his mom and fixing all kinds of things when there are plenty of people around to do it. if your husband doesn't mind doing it then i am sure he is going to keep on doing it. Plus if your mother has surgery i am sure you would be over there helping her and your husband would have to understand. I would try to make the best of it. that is his mom after all and if his brother doesn't want to help then that's his issue. each family has its own problems and issues.

    Answer by NaiveDream at 7:53 PM on Jul. 2, 2011

  • Good luck, I've been married for 16 years and my MIL still looks for ways to make my life harder. The sad fact of the matter is that as long as she's alive we won't have peace.

    Answer by scout_mom at 9:13 PM on Jul. 2, 2011

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