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kids behavior after parents seperate

My husband has been gone for a year and ever since he's been gone my 12 yr old has been getting in trouble on the school bus, in class and in my neighborhood. He has never given me problems before. I ask him why is he upset and doing the things that he is doing, and he said becuase I don't let him do what he wants and he also wants his dad back. I expressed that his dad loves him, will always be his dad but that his dad is happy where he is at and that he has no desire to come back home (BTW- I don't want him back). His dad has not has not seen him in 4 months. I feel he's angry with me, he's causing me pain and I'm going thru enough with the seperation, work and responsibilities. I know he's hitting the teenage stage, his dad is gone, new school etc but how does one make the child realize what one is doing for him and that I can not force his dad to see him.

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Jeannie29

Asked by Jeannie29 at 11:59 PM on Dec. 15, 2008 in Relationships

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Answers (6)
  • im going thru the same thing i put my kids in counsling and have yet to see the results. sometimes its better to get someone involved who isnt going to be biased
    bonnie-jo

    Answer by bonnie-jo at 12:04 AM on Dec. 16, 2008

  • Part of it is his age. But it is compounded by being a single parent household. My daughter is 12 and is becoming rebelious too. My ex and I split up when she was 10. When you have 2 parents in the home, you can team up and maintain more order. She had a particularly hard time a year ago with my having a boyfriend. But she seems to be adjusting and really adores him. But her emerging teen tendencies are making it tough too. It's hard to say whether your son would be doing similar things even if your estranged husband was living under the same roof. Kids change a lot when they reach 12. They are growing up. Just try to maintain boundaries for him. Stay tough.
    kathyartist2007

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 12:11 AM on Dec. 16, 2008

  • I know this sounds hard to do, esp. with your new heavy responsibilities. But be sure and never ever speak negatively against his father. Only today I was telling my husband (about my ex.) that no one has to tell my children their fathers faults. They will know them soon enough. If I speak against their father (like he does of me), then they will feel the need to defend him and feel sorry for him, and likely be angry all at the same time, BUT if I never give any details or speak one bad word, then the truth will be seen as time goes on. Next, spend as much time as possible with your son. That means actually, and I have found this one idea to work wonders, is to have him spend time with YOU.
    lifeasinoit

    Answer by lifeasinoit at 12:16 AM on Dec. 16, 2008

  • continued....Take him where you go, have him help you as you cook dinner and clean up. Have him help you cut the grass on Saturdays and rake leaves; he can help you fold laundry, etc. Take these times to talk about everything fun and serious. Make everything you do sound like fun. Also, make him the "man" of the house by not ordering him to do chores, but by giving him a list of things to do. Every living being needs to know their place in the family unit. He will discover that he is needed. At the same time, he also "needs" to have his father, but you will have to suffer this thru with him. I would find a good church that offers Divorce Care classes for adults and their children.
    lifeasinoit

    Answer by lifeasinoit at 12:16 AM on Dec. 16, 2008

  • I know a family with 4 kids and Dad left a year ago. Now, the 4 kids under age 8 act horrible. HORRIBLE!! Spitting in guests' dinner plates, banging their heads against the wall and refusing to stop, and I know that it has to be because Dad isn't there anymore. Kids need 2 parents--I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope he comes to his senses and wants to see his son soon...or it will have lifelong effects.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:26 AM on Dec. 16, 2008

  • This child is in pain. Hes hurting badly and yep, youre gonna be the one he takes it out on. Youre the one thats there. He probably not only blames you, but he blames himself. Kids never asked for parents to have issues and leave them holding the emotional baggage but it happens everyday. The age is only going to make it worse. Hes not going to SEE or REALIZE anything because hes a child. He will once he gets older. Get him into counseling and if necessary, get yourself there too. Abandonment and rejection issues from a parent are very serious and need to be dealt with immediately. You don't want to lose him. Good luck.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 9:06 AM on Dec. 16, 2008

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