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my husband and i got into a pretty heated argument last night, it started with me being angry that his mom favors my sil's daughter over our 3 daughters. anyway he ended up confessing to me that he shook our 2 year old when she was 4 months old. he's been keeping me in the dark about this for 2 years. i left her alone with him to go pay rent one afternoon and he called me francticly about 10 minutes later. that's when i rushed home and found my baby gray looking, lethargic and unconscious. he said he was just playing with her by throwing her up in the air. i believed him because i had known him for about 6 years at the time and couldn't picture him harming our child. he had also just gotten back from a 15 month deployment. the doctors all told me his story was bull, but i didn't listen. i figured it was a freak accident or something and the doctors were just going off symptoms. they told me it was shaken baby syndrome. the only reason i truly believed him was because of how beautifully our daughter recovered. she was out of the hospital in a week and now at 2 and a half years old shows no repercussions.

here is where it gets even trickier. the weekend it happened his mom drove 6 hours up to where we were stationed, but instead of visiting her ailing granddaughter she got her son a lawyer. this should've been my first clue. CPS got involved and removed him from the home. i moved back to my hometown after that but stayed married and supportive to my husband. the courtcase dragged on for a year and a half, and at one point him, his mom and lawyer all asked me to write a letter on his behalf. i had my reservations about doing it, but i decided to do it after he (my husband) guilt tripped me into it by saying "i feel like if you don't write it you don't trust me". a few months later, his mom informed me the DA would be calling me and she pretty much asked me to paint him as a saint. i told the DA exactly what i felt, that my husband wasn't capable of such a henious crime. the DA then was on our side and offered the judge a plea bargain of 2 years no unsupervised visits with our kids and a year of probation. well, the judge didn't like that. he wanted my husband to get jailtime, because like any smart human being he knew the truth too. he gave my husband 10 years of probation.

it's been 8 months since that court ruling and he got to move back home. when he confessed that, he also confessed HIS MOTHER KNEW. she hasn't known from the beginning but she's known for a long time because the lawyers got the truth out of him. i feel like they both used me to keep him out of jail. they both fuckin lied to me for 2 years and acted as if i was horrible for having any doubts. how can his mom side with him over her grandchild? how could he do something like that to our daughter? i don't even know what to do. i don't know how to move forward from this. my eyes have bags the size of texas this morning because i cried so hard last night. i don't think i've ever sobbed that way. i felt like i was grieving in some way. i couldn't get the images of my baby out of my head and knowing what really happened to her. i feel so stupid and so betrayed by my husband and my mil.

going anon with this for obvious reasons.


Asked by Anonymous at 7:46 AM on Jul. 4, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (22)
  • Wow, I'm so sorry.

    I can tell you that I wouldn't stay. 1. He hurt and could have killed or permanently crippled your child, after you were gone for less than 10 minutes. I have had a colicky baby and understand how shaken baby syndrome happens, even though I will never EVER say it's EVER okay... but after 10 minutes? Makes me wonder if he was just curious to see what would happen and that is sociopathic and scary. 2. He lied to you about it. How can you be married to someone you can never trust? 3. He made YOU out to be the bad guy and guilted you for YEARS about this. 4. His mother is an evil, terrible woman and your children are not safe with her. Or him for that matter.

    Don't stay. I know it's scary, but don't stay. And I'd call somebody (a lawyer, a judge, SOMEONE) and tell them what he told you. He should never be around children again.

    Answer by Ati_13 at 9:26 AM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • I think that I would tell him to leave. If there is one thing that I can't tolerate, it is someone who deliberately hurts a baby like that. He doesn't even have the excuse that he was responsible for her all day everyday. Relationship is about trust. He broke that when he lied to you about your child. It's like infidelity. Personally, I wouldn't think that he is worth going through that pain and trying to rebuild trust.

    Answer by momofkids at 7:56 AM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • I'm so sorry!! I'm so glad that your daughter is ok. What a horrible situation.

    Answer by elliesmum06 at 7:52 AM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • I'm sorry you're going through this, sweetie. Having never been through something that awful,I can only offer you advice on what I think I'd do. My first instinct is to tell you to pack you and your kids up and get out. Or make him pack up and leave. Since his mom decided to hide it too, I'd tell him to go live with her. I'd be getting a good lawyer, making sure that the lawyer knows that you were misled by him and his mother, and getting sole custody. Then, I'm not even sure I'd allow more than supervised visits for either of them. Because when it comes to breaking my trust where the kids are involved, I don't think I could ever trust him with the kids again.

    Answer by Eviesmommy at 8:09 AM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • Think about what you would have done had you known the truth 2 yrs ago, do that? Thankfully, your dd is okay...
    This did not change what happened, just prolonged the lies.

    Answer by SassySue123 at 8:10 AM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • Also I recently heard a discussion on NPR, there was an expert on these cases - he interviews men who hurt or shake babies. He said that everyone of them fit into a specific type - they are immature, self centered, and have a very low tolerance for frustration.

    This man sounds toxic.

    Answer by beckcorc at 8:28 AM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • Well I would wonder if he learned from this and would he do it again. I would want to get down to the root of why he lied, was it to protect himself only or was he worried you would be upset. And I would think about where he was deployed to, how long he was gone, what he went through. Is he normally abusive or did he just have a terrible moment that he is not proud of now. Most guys I know post war have a low tolerance for frustration, its a big symptom of PTSD. Maybe hes not toxic, maybe he needs help, counseling. Maybe you guys can overcome this, if you know for a fact your children would not be in danger again. Clearly he needs some sort of help, but i would wonder is he willing to get it - theres a lot of factors here I dont think anything is an absolute..

    Answer by MommaB30 at 8:44 AM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • He would have to go. For him to know what he was guilty of and want to get off is disgusting! I am very glad that your little girl turned out to be fine but so many other babies are not that fortunate.

    Answer by treynlisa at 8:12 AM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter and you! Perhaps he told you because he is afraid he might harm her again. You will never be able to trust him alone with your daughter again, and honestly you shouldn't. I know it is hard to end a marriage, but I certainly would not stay with him, because 1. He harmed my child and 2. He lied about it. Pack up leave, divorce him and make sure he has supervised visitation rights. I wish you all the best.


    Answer by justalady774 at 8:19 AM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • Thank God your daughter is okay now and recovered well. I would go and hug her all morning long. Then I'd tell that husband that he can pack his bags and leave. Then take the kids to the park or the zoo and tell him to be gone by the time you get back - or take your kids to your mother's house and don't look back. He hurt your baby. He lied to you about it. He conspired with others to deceive you and to manipulate you. The man is a sociopath. Lot's of psychos seem like normal charming men on the outside (look at Ted Bundy - not that your husband is a serial killer, but he's certainly got some serious personality disorders).


    Answer by beckcorc at 8:25 AM on Jul. 4, 2011

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