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2 Bumps

How can I deal with my DD's temper tantrums?

My DD is 15 months old now,she is a very nice girl,and not aggressive by nature,she never saw anyone hitting or beating someone else, she kisses me alooot, But when she gets mad,she starts hitting me,hitting herself, hitting anyone who tries to hold her.
Whenever I try to tell her "No,don't do that to mummy" she doesn't understand,she's only 1 years and 3 months,please tell me what to do with her!!

 
newmom300

Asked by newmom300 at 2:37 PM on Jul. 4, 2011 in Toddlers (1-2)

Level 10 (405 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • Is she getting mad because of something you did? Such as stop her from doing something? Or take something from her (because maybe it was dangerous or could break?) that she wanted to keep? Or perhaps she gets mad when you try to put her in her carseat if she's not ready to stop or go/leave? If these are the situations that are frustrating her, then you can mirror this back to her verbally. If you do this, it is more likely that you can "reach" her because you won't be completely resisting her or rejecting her when you try to correct her behavior. (She experiences your "don't do that" as a negation, but if you can connect BEFORE trying to correct, it won't be as likely to trigger intense defensiveness.)
    First take a moment to really get it and know in yourself what has gone on/why she is upset. Then reflect that to her with your caring attitude/tone & words. Don't explain "why" you took the item or how it's time to go;
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:07 PM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • just focus on what happened: "You were having fun with that & mummy took it from you. You wanted it back & mummy didn't give it back!" Or "You were excited to get those scissors, and mummy took them right away!" Or "You didn't want to get into your seat & mummy put you there, anyway." Whatever it is, reflect it simply & directly. Resist any temptation to "acknowledge" her feelings & then explain why should shouldn't be upset...anything followed by "but" is doing just that! ("I know you don't want to go, but we have to leave now because we have an appointment to keep" etc.) Focus on her experience & what she's upset about; this is the best way to ease her upset (or at least let her have it & begin to work through it) because it gives her PERMISSION (so she doesn't have to "argue" against your suggestion that she shouldn't be upset.)
    I would hold her hands (if she is hitting, initially) & focus on reflecting in this way. Give
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:12 PM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • lots of validation, rather than focusing on how hitting is a problem (but you're still preventing her from hitting, just not focusing verbally on how she "must stop.") The validation should help relieve some of the frustration that prompts her to hit, while affirming all the underlying reasons/impulses that are behind the hitting. The validation, through your verbal expression, also is modeling a different way of handling/expressing/processing the feelings that are behind the hitting, so you are focusing on what TO do, or in other words, you're focusing on what you DO want not on what you don't want.
    If you find that she persists in hitting, you can validate her feelings & kindly say something like, "You want good things. You just want to have fun & you want mummy to understand & help you. You're so mad you were hitting, but hitting hurts. When you feel like hitting, you just need help. So ask for help, instead." (I
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:20 PM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • showed my twin sons the sign for "help" when they were 16 months old, and I modeled them calling "MAMA!" loudly & signing "help." This was the earliest way of asking for help--instead of biting each other. Or calling for help when bit, instead of biting back! Eventually, "asking for help" meant speaking up instead of acting out--saying how much he wanted that toy & asking for it, or saying he didn't like being pushed/hit and saying STOP!, instead of acting out those same things by grabbing, pushing, biting, hitting, crying, or hitting back, etc.)
    Since the hitting happens while you are there, obviously, "asking for help" is not calling for your involvement but reminding of another way to handle the frustration that prompts the hitting....The alternative you offer is modeling full expression of the frustration & all feelings related to it. So you give her the words to complain & plead her case. So she can say "Don't" or "stop
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:26 PM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • that!" or "I don't like that" or "I don't want to do this." (Or at least you can realize that this is what is going on, & you can reflect it back to her so she is seen & felt.) In this way, you witness the frustration & realize what her issue is, and then you "allow" her feelings about it. It is really hard to face that someone with all the power realizes what you want, or how unhappy you are with a decision, and still goes on with it. (i.e., they COULD change but they don't.) It is even worse when you aren't supposed to express your upset about that situation.
    We don't have to "give in" and we certainly can hold a valid limit even if our child is upset about it, but we also can acknowledge their feelings of upset when faced with that limit & their inability to change it. The more you can accept her feelings ABOUT frustrating situations, the more she will be able to freely express the upset & then move on.
    Hope this helps...
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:33 PM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • Oh wow "girlwithC" ..this is amazing.u helped me alot! thank u so much!!
    newmom300

    Comment by newmom300 (original poster) at 9:08 AM on Jul. 12, 2011