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Young Stepmom of adopted boy caught between bio mom and adopted mom. Help!

Caught between my adopted stepsons biological mother and adopted mother. Biological mother wrongfully(in my eyes) lost her son to adopted mother. I care for this little boy who is now 7 , full-time in another state. Bio-mom lost him...and adopted mom abandoned him. I feel that it is in this childs best interest to know his bio-mom as "MOM" and not adopted mom who left him behind. It is really sad for this child because he has mandatory visitation with adopted mom who doesn't really want him and she is 100% against him spending any time with his bio-mom who does want him. Bio mom is a very nice trustworthy person, just got mixed up with drugs when she was young. I just don't know what to do for this child in this situation...he's got to be so confused. Help!


Asked by JLang at 4:40 PM on Jul. 4, 2011 in Adoption

Level 6 (125 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • Even though it is hard to arrange visits with his birth mom, I hope you are able to understand how it might be beneficial for him. Just do the best you can, that's all anyone can ask of you.

    What a difficult situation you are in! I am glad this little boy has you trying to do what is right for him.

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:17 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • The boy is 7 years old, he's old enough to decided what he calls the adult females in his life - Mom, Mama, Step Mom, etc.

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 4:47 PM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • How much ability do you have to control who he sees? If you can facilitate visits with his birth mom who wants to know him, it makes sense to me that you would do that. Poor little guy, forced visits with a mom who abandoned him and doesn't want him seems wrong. I am not surprised that she doesn't want him to know his birth mom, but why should anyone care what she wants?

    Answer by Southernroots at 4:48 PM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • I applaude you for keeping his connection with his mother. You are doing the right thing by allowing him to know his natural family. This will help him to not feel abandoned. Amom sounds like a piece of work but as long as you and hubby have custody, he is in your care and you seem to be looking out for his wellbeing instead of considering him an object that is "owned" like amom.

    Answer by vampporcupine at 11:47 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • I think you are doing the exact right thing for this boy. I agree 7 is a crucial time to have birth mom in his life. If he still wants to see his amom then that's a good thing too. I don't see the confusion. He has 3 mothers; his birth mother, his adoptive mother, and his step mother. He's old enough to understand that and he can love more than one mother just as children can have several grandparents to love. The only thing that needs to be clear is who's rules he has to follow. I guess that's you and your DH so you need to make that clear.

    Answer by onethentwins at 1:32 PM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • I am adopted. I disagree with those who might think your son will be confused about having more than one mom. Children deserve more credit than we give them. I call both my moms "mom." It's my decision.

    OP, I do not have an answer for you but I applaud you for acknowledging that your sons biological roots and access to his original mom are very important things!

    Answer by NovemberLove at 12:57 AM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • talk with your husband and come up with a plan, I don't think that insructing him to call bio-mom "mom" will be good for him as it will just confuse him, but I don't think spending time would be bad either. You cannot keep him from adopted-mom either as she is legally his mother and she has rights.

    So I would suggest talking with your husband about it and you can always have bio-mom over while he is with you guys, I think he is old enough to be explained the situation but don't instruct him to call her "mom" over his adopted mother. She can just be another loving adult in his life.

    Answer by tntmom1027 at 4:44 PM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • What he needs from you is love, support and security. I don't think you are in any position of power to determine the outcome or have say in this matter you referred to. You do however have the power to show him your love. It is drama filled enough at this point. Let your husband fight this battle along with an attorney. Have him check on any possible changes you could make. I am glad that you are in his life you sound stable, concerned and caring. Try to help him stay positive through this all. Help him to learn good coping skills, teach him to redirect his thinking to good things when he is hurting, let him know that life keeps changing and we adjust, try to help him feel open to communicate by asking how he feels about certain things and if anything is bothering him etc. One person can change the world. I am glad you are there for him Give him a hug for me... :-)

    Answer by LeJane at 5:18 PM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • OP., I too,am thankful , "your' little boy, has you for his Mom. You are so very wise to consider HIS well being, and both you and Hubby are making some well grounded decisions for his futre emotional health. KUDOS;)
    I feel you have come into his life at just the right time, because at 7-10 yrs.of age are crucial for their very own stability, mentally as well as emotionally. You are offering him a structured ,safe, and loving enviroment, and allowing him to see that there is room for all people who love him. Blessings, and even though you do not need my 'thanks"...Thank You for giving a child parents who NEED someone to love them,CJ~

    Answer by ceejay1 at 1:13 PM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • Adopted mom is his legal mom so you have to respect her rights as much as possible, maybe your husband can help bio mom establish legal visitation rights given the situation, or he can go to court to get full custody of his son. He is the boys father so he has just as much say as his mother as to the bio moms role in his life, more so if he is raising him and giving him a stable upbringing. Good luck, I'm so glad this child has you in his life, someone who is willing to put his needs above their own.


    Answer by RyansMom001 at 4:49 PM on Jul. 4, 2011