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I was in a very controlling and emotionally abusive relationship for years and even now, almost 2 years later, I have some trust and control issues and I feel like I'm about to mess up another relationship because of this, can someone help me out a little?

My ex was controlling, manipulative, compulsive liar and cheated on me. I was with him for 4 years and had one child with him and it took me forever to get up the nerve to leave but I did and it's been nearly 2 years.

I've had nothing but bad luck with men since. I tried dating but my trust issues always make me look loopy. So, I took a break for almost a year and now I've been talking to this guy I went to high school with.

He and I had some classes together Junior and Senior year of high school and now 2-3 years later I've started to get to know him and we've been going out and doing things often. We spent 4 days in a row doing stuff together (not constantly but we would spend a few hours together each day) and I felt like we hit it off really well. Well it's been a month of doing this and the 4th consecutive day hanging out, we ended up messing around a little...very little. I mean like, making out and just a little touching however the next morning he did not text me and I found myself wondering why and I then texted him just to wait 6 hours to get a reply and it was short. He told me he's with his friends that live about 2 hours away and I know this is true...the guy is his best friend and they were supposed to get together for the anniversary of the death of two friends they lost and go to their grave site but I couldn't help but wonder why he couldn't take a few minutes to reply every so often and then today a second day of not much conversation and with us having just hit a new stage of our relationship I ended up feeling so insecure that I flat out asked him if he was not wanting to talk anymore and he felt like I was freaking out and I feel awful now. He still talked to me but and I said "I'm sorry, I know I'm overthinking things and being a little sensitive can you forgive me?" and he said "Maybe" and we haven't talked in hours now.

What can I do to make this right? I don't want him thinking I'm nuts...I mean, sure I've got some issues...but I'm getting better and I really want to make this work and I'm learning to control this stuff I just really hope it's not too late.

Can you help me out? What can I say to make things better? If you think it's too late, could you help me figure out how not to let these trust issues get the best of me next time? I really need to get over this!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:54 PM on Jul. 4, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • I went through the same thing (with trust issues, etc.). Before I started dating again, I went through therapy. It worked for me. You could try it.
    TARARENEE

    Answer by TARARENEE at 7:57 PM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • Trust yourself first and second there is no way you can get over this without some counseling it helps you figure out your feelings and how to deal with insecurity as a whole. I did it and it made my life better.
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 7:59 PM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • Well, for now, I would probably send him one more text and tell him," you hope you didn't scare him off, your just a little insecure and to get ahold of you when he's got time" and leave it at that! That way" the ball is in his court" I wouldn't call or text him after that or your going to look desperate! I know it's hard but don't cave! Meanwhile try to get on with your everyday routine. It takes a while to get past all the hurt and insecurities and it may take counseling. I hope it all works out for you!

    anichols1

    Answer by anichols1 at 8:16 PM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • I wouldn't send another text. U asked him to forgive u and he said "maybe". Clear sign of issues.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:34 PM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • It sounds like co-dependency. I would start getting a life of your own for now. Follow your dreams, and give yourself time to heal. Of course he is going to start running away if you keep this up. People want partners who are secure. You have to see that your "fears" are making you react in not so good of a way. Instead of reacting and being emotional, take action, find logic and get busy analizing yourself, your defects of character and what you can do to improve yourself.
    I would not text him again, just wait it out. It seems desperate to continue wanting him to contact you when he is busy with friends. No one likes to be choked and smothered. Just chill and let him enjoy his friends without being the "need to know" girl. Go to the fireworks and just enjoy your evening. Good Luck. :-)
    LeJane

    Answer by LeJane at 8:35 PM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • I had delt with the same things and feelings after being married 15 years. My belief was to stay married no matter what.. But it got to be too much. I wish I had undergone counseling and all but I didnt. I have come a long way from what I use to be like. I still have trust issues and refuse to be told what to do from anyone. But I can handle things in a better way now.
    Get counseling and talk talk talk it out. The man I am with now has taken the brunt of alot of my anger and resentment.. Now I am so much better. Most men will not do it but he hung in there and I got some help from my doc and our relationship is wonderful.. I still have some trust issues but realize that I am getting too old to worry about such things. He knows I am sorry for it all and he doesnt resent me in the least. He is my rock.
    LisaAnn069

    Answer by LisaAnn069 at 9:39 PM on Jul. 4, 2011

  • Talk with him. Let him know why you have the issues you have. After what you have been through, it's only
    natural to freak out about the little things like this. Also, you have to remember that he may not be thinking
    about all this on the same level as you are. As in, where you are ready for this to be something more, he might
    not be, and so his thinking is "she's acting like i'm accountable to her or something and we just hang out".
    He might have some issues going on too. Maybe he's just not ready or wanting anything more right now and if
    he isn't you have to respect that, no matter how well you think you hit it off.
    By the way how old are you and how old is he? Because from your post you sound really young...and I have
    found that a lot of the time, younger guys just wanna be free. They wanna play the field as it is and not get
    stuck in a relationship or tied down. I am willing to bet that's what this is all about.
    chavela_carlita

    Answer by chavela_carlita at 4:06 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • You have your own issues that give you trust problems, but that's not what this is about. This is about the fact that this fellow thought he was going to be able to park his junk in your garage and when the moment for that arrived (he thought) all you did was mess around a little. So now he knows you aren't the sort of girl who ponies up the poontang, so off he's gone to find some other girl with self-esteem destroyed enough to yank his crank and believe he's doing HER a favor. You're better off.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:11 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

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