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2 Bumps

Red sign in a marriage?

My brother was born in city X, now when he is married with 1 year old girl, he lives and works in city Y. The city Y is 2 hours of flight from city X. He rented an apartment, brought the car to city Y, yet his wife refuses to move with him to city Y.
In city X she has more comfortable apartment (owned by my dad) and her mom and aunt living with her in this place. She told my brother that this is OK with her he comes to city X as much as he can, but she prefer NOT to move with him to city Y.

When my brother come to city X, she does not cook, they just go out or eat at my parents' place. They go spend the eve 2 of them outside the home or 5 of them (my brother, his wife, her mom, her aunt and their daughter) and then my brother leave.

My dad pays majority of their bills, since my brother cannot afford to pay in two places and his wife and her aunt do not work. My brother constantly asks her to move, but she does not want...Recently they went to vacation to Turkey, just three of them (my brother, his wife and their dsughter), by the day 5 of their vacation her mom 'decided' to join them. My brother felt that she rouned their vacation, but his wife was very happy.

I feel very bad for my brother, but he says he loves her no matter of what...but I feel She just uses him.

Answer Question
 
ganna04

Asked by ganna04 at 7:47 AM on Jul. 5, 2011 in Relationships

Level 14 (1,468 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • Sorry, but in my relationship with my husband, where he goes, I go. End of story. If he were to take a new job that moved us somewhere else, or if his current work transferred him, we'd move, no other option in my mind. I married my husband to be with him. Not to use his family to get a place to live free while he lives over 2 hours away.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 7:58 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • this is what i feel strongly as well. that what my parents think. my dad says they leave bills for him everywhere...it just sad.
    ganna04

    Comment by ganna04 (original poster) at 8:02 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • If I were your parents, I would tell her that they are going to stop paying the bills, and she or someone either needs to get a job, or move out (and her go live with her HUSBAND). Your parents are enabling her and her mother/aunt to be able to live like that.
    hopeandglory53

    Answer by hopeandglory53 at 8:04 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • I have to agree with hopeandglory. It sounds like the whole family enables this behavior.
    Mom2theboy1994

    Answer by Mom2theboy1994 at 8:09 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • It sounds like your dad needs to stop paying the bills for the appartment where your brother's wife lives. If she and her family want to stay there they can pay rent and their own bills. If not, then your brother's wife can move in with her husband and her family can look for a new place to live. Personally, I don't see the point of being married (unless it's so your inlaws will take care of you) if you aren't living with your husband when you could be.
    scout_mom

    Answer by scout_mom at 8:12 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • I see two different issues here. One, with keeping two different residences - there are successful couples that do it, even after kids are around. My husband and I spent two years living in different states because of employment - the boys were with me and DH flew in to see us about every 6 weeks. We knew it was short term, would benefit our careers and the financial stability of the family, and we were committed enough in our relationship that we weren't worried about the risk of splitting up. It paid off - we've both got very good jobs right now, a wonderful house in a great neighborhood, and opportunities that we wouldn't have had if we had physically stayed together for those two years.

    The financial aspect of your brother's family is more troublesome. I agree - they need to stop getting handouts.
    Dr.Donna

    Answer by Dr.Donna at 8:14 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • The difference is that there is no career in stake for my brother's wife. My father is ready to stop, but kind of wants the best for his grand child...sigh... i don't know.
    ganna04

    Comment by ganna04 (original poster) at 8:27 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • I see nothing wrong with your brother moving making sure the job is going to "stick" and then the family following. In this economy it is not always cost effective to up and move everyone either.

    BUT neither sounds to be the case here. Your family can't pay to keep them here and complain about it. They should sit them down and give them a time line. Let them know that they have had time enough to prepare for the move and it is time consolidate the household once again. This should be between your parents and your brother, not you...
    sipn_mom

    Answer by sipn_mom at 8:36 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • I would love to stay out of this, but now I am going to visit them and my brother and my dad asking my opinion because whole family at this point feel quite uncomfortable...
    ganna04

    Comment by ganna04 (original poster) at 8:40 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • He allows it to go on. He is a grown man.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 8:48 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

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