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How can I get an adoptive child, (11), to love me when she misses her Bio mom?

She misses her Bio mom. She say's she loves me, but her actions tell me otherwise. It makes it VERY hard for me to love someone who doesn't want my love!

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Asked by Kajungirl at 10:35 AM on Dec. 16, 2008 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (7)
  • You can't make her love you. Just be there for her and try to make the transition as easy as possible. That can be a rough age to begin with.

    Answer by sbastille at 10:36 AM on Dec. 16, 2008

  • She can't be forced to love you, you have to understand what she is feeling she is old enough,just be there for her in any way you can.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:46 AM on Dec. 16, 2008

  • WOW! I was adopted when i was 10 so almost the same age as her. I love my adopted mom and I barely have any memories of my birth mom..she died. Just try your best to show her your love and overtime she will eventually miss less and less of her biological mom. Trust me. She will always loves her bio-mom but it is not important who gave birth to her but more importantly who raises her and help mold her into the person she wants to be. Im not close wit my adopted mom but i love her dearly and appreciate everything she did and is doing for me.

    Answer by aznblond9 at 10:47 AM on Dec. 16, 2008

  • You can show her you love her by YOUR actions. My youngest son was a terror in his teens. He acted so badly to me that even his therapist called him on it. After one particularly intense family therapy session, the therapist took me aside, dried my tears and said this, "the reason he's so awful to you is that he is full of anger at the world and deep down inside he knows that no matter what he says or does, you will still love him." THAT'S true parental love for a her this type of love by being there for her NO MATTER WHAT and it will serve you well in the long run. Wishing you all the best.

    Answer by companygoddess at 10:52 AM on Dec. 16, 2008

  • When I was 11 my father remarried ( my parents divorced when I was 7) at first I was very resentful of my new StepMom and made it clear that I did not need a mom I had one. My brother and I lived with my stepmom and my Dad and I have to admit I made things very hard on her. I was forced by my dad to respect her as an adult in the house but that was all I did. What she did was just accepted that I was the way I was and loved me anyways. She never pushed or tried to get me to love her, never tried to replace my bio mom. She just was there for me in a very loving and wonderful way. She and I are super close now and I love her very much. The thing is you can not force someone to love you. All you can do is love them and hope that they will reciprocate some day.

    Answer by norbert at 11:02 AM on Dec. 16, 2008

  • Tell her that it's ok for her to still love her BM, and you too. She probably feels guilty toward her if she does love you. That's how I felt about my Step-mom, anyway. She wanted me to call her mom, and I couldn't, because that would be disrespectful to my mom. It took her a while to get that.


    Answer by 3gymnastsmom at 5:08 PM on Dec. 16, 2008

  • It might not just be because you are her adopotive mother, my child is mine, and I am fighting for her love everyday, over her father's she just wants to be with him all the time. Even though we all live in the same household and she can be so sassy and ruud!! My suggestion is to find something that interests her and stay involved, so she feels you truly care about her and what makes her happy, always ask quiestions about her interest and help in every way possible to keep her interest alive, basketball, softball, skating, drawing, anything!!! Hope this helps!!

    Answer by LaurieMomof2 at 9:11 AM on Dec. 18, 2008

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