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2 Bumps

How can I help her???

I am doing this anon because I dont know if she is on cafemom or not...probably not. My husbands ex wife has always had an issue with cleaning. Her car is a complete mess, filled with empty soda cans, trash and not just hers, my stepchildrens as well. In her apartment it is like she has a little bit of hoarder in her. In her living room she has cans of food stacked up and there is also trash on the floor, dirty dishes all over the kitchen, clothes, toys everywhere, now they are saying there is a lot of flies in the bathroom and whenever they go in there the flies are all over the mirror and flying all around them..they dont want to be in the bathroom because of it. With the expection of the flies, her apartment has been like this for as long as I remember. I have gone over there a few times to help her clean and to teach her and work with her. Her children are 9 and 7 so they are old enough to help clean but she doesnt make them. So when they are over here no matter how much I try to install cleanliness and stuff it goes all out the window when they are over there. Then after a few days with her they come over here and we have to basically start all over.
I dont know what else to do...neither does my husband. I have my own house and 7 children to take care of..i cant and wont be going over there all the time to clean her apartment. I just dont knwo what else to do. I dont want to call DSS because i know that she has a history of depression and stuff...but why cant she just clean. She has two children..I have 7 plus her two here and our house is clean..not immacualte..but clean never the less.

Does anyone have any ideas on what else that we can do?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:45 AM on Jul. 5, 2011 in Home & Garden

Answers (16)
  • She doesn't want the help. She doesn't care. If it is dangerous you may have no choice but to call cps just for your stepkids health.
    pookiekins34

    Answer by pookiekins34 at 11:46 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • Have a talk with her, your dh an yourself and her. Let her know how you and dh feel about the mess and how it is unhealthy. They are his children also, he has a say it their health. Let her know if she doesnt take action, that you will take the neccessary actions to improve the lifestyle and health of the children.
    sunsetbeach81

    Answer by sunsetbeach81 at 11:48 AM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • Are the kid's healthy? Maybe CPS should be called.
    Dahis

    Answer by Dahis at 12:10 PM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • That's hoarding behavior and she'll need behavior therapy and not just cleaning.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 1:01 PM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • I think she'll need therapy, and/or help beyond what you can do.
    Samanthamommy

    Answer by Samanthamommy at 1:15 PM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • The way I see it you have 3 choices here -

    1) Hire a cleaning lady for her, which solves the immdediate problem, but doesn't really help the mom
    2) Call DSS who may be able to provide resources for the mom or otherwise address the situation
    3) Your DH could pursue full custody to get the kids out of that environment permanently

    Bottom line, if the mom is truly depressed, then the only way things will change is if she is self-motivated to change things or if the change is forced on her. It is unfortunate, but true depression is not easy to overcome, almost always requires help from an outside source and even if/when the person gets help, it is very easy to succumb to the depression again.
    mom2aspclboy

    Answer by mom2aspclboy at 1:49 PM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • Sadly I think you may need to get CPS involved. If she is that unclean...how often does she have the children bathe? How does she prepare meals? It is a gross situation all the way around. I would have the kids removed.
    elijahsmama09

    Answer by elijahsmama09 at 5:01 PM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • @elijahsmama...she takes them out to eat for just about every meal when she has them.. I make sure they bathe everyday when they are over here ..the longest they are with her is 2 days. The kids tell me that when they eat at their moms house the either have cereal or make something in the microwave. Luckily they are with us 4-5 days a week.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:21 PM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • She needs therapy
    AllThatBabyJazz

    Answer by AllThatBabyJazz at 6:35 PM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • If she has a history of depression then that is probably why her house is a mess....she just doesn't care or can't muster up the strength to care. Maybe she needs some medical help.
    ceciliam

    Answer by ceciliam at 6:48 PM on Jul. 5, 2011

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