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2 Bumps

A sticky situation

We recently found out that my husband has a 10 year old daughter with another woman ...

Of course i was no where in the picture when he made this little girl -- we got married 7 years ago and we now have a little girl and boy together...

The mother never told my husband and now she is in legal troubles and my husband was notified and got a DNA test, which of course was positive.

I would say for about the first 12 hours, after finding out about this little girl I was heartbroken... I mean it is just a shock to hear that your husband, the person that all of these years assumed was only a daddy to your children, has this other child with another woman.... but after that shock wore off, I felt for this little girl... her mom is pretty much a deadbeat, we found out she has had numberous men in and out of her life, involved with drugs, and this little girl's nerves were so messed up that her hair was literally falling out ...

I told my husband that we definatly need to do everything to get her, to make her part of our family.

My husband has been very quite and I can tell he is "deep thinking" and that he is still in shock... with our kids he is very involved and very sensitive when it comes to them and i think he has some sort of guilt that his own child had to go through what she did all of this time... i think he is also afriad to be around her ( we have only seen her twice and we havent been able to actually talk to her or anything yet) , and he just doesnt know what to do...

We then found out that her grandparents have been trying to get custody of her for awhile and that most of the time she has been staying with them until the mother would come around and demand to take her back.... the little girl even said she wants her mamaw and papaw...

So now we are stuck... what would you do, we have 2 options: take custody of her, raise her with a real family, with her real father and her siblings ( and I would be the best mother to her) and let her visit her grandparents whenever she wants...... OR let them raise her ( like they want) and we can go visit her weekly ?

At first we were dead set on us raising her, but then after seeing how her and her grandparents held each other and cried we are just so lost ...

what would you do ?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:19 PM on Jul. 5, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Answers (15)
  • I'd work hard on helping the grandparents get permanent custody so that the pro-creator (she's no mother) of the child cannot just demand her back. Help them get a legal leg to stand on.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 10:25 PM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • If it was me and my family. Depending on the situation, take full custody of the girl. Or in the situation that you have to your advantage and Split the custody of the kid. Let her spend half the year with grandparents, then take her in for the other half. For like during the school one set take's her while during the summer the other set take's her and so on. Alternate the holiday's so no one would get left out. That way she could possibly get the best of both worlds. Just as long as she doesn't go back to the mother.
    Rabbitflops

    Answer by Rabbitflops at 10:29 PM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • I know this will sound selfish of me but, I would raise her with a "real" family and allow grandparents reasonable visitation. If you give them custody they can come after your hubby for child support whether you can afford it or not you shouldn't be paying them to raise your husband's child when you can do it. If you do get her research RAD (reactive attachment disorder.) And be prepared for anything.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 10:31 PM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • The grandparents know her, help them get full custody and visitation rights for dh. Don't just take her into your home if she doesn't want that. And it might not blend easily. You might be glad to have in your life, but also some distance, especially for your kids.
    AmaliaD

    Answer by AmaliaD at 10:57 PM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • I can imagine the stress and shock this puts a person through. It sounds like this little girl has been through an awful lot of it too of late - if not throughout her life. To take her from all she does know and move her in with a father she still does not know seems to add a lot onto to an already giant mess. I'm not familiar with the law here, so perhaps this is not possible - could the grandparents be awarded temporary custody for a duration to give DH's daughter time to get to know him and your family? After that stretch perhaps everyone could revisit the idea. The goal is to do what's best for this little girl - is moving her into a 'real' family she does not know better than moving her permanently with "her" family? Kwim?
    ldmrmom

    Answer by ldmrmom at 11:17 PM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • I would do what is best for her and let her be with her grandparents providing they do not allow any contact with the mother. If she wants to come live with you later after getting to know you and her siblings then go from there. But she needs stability right now. Keep it about what is best for her and work with a good therapist so she gets the support she needs.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:04 AM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • hmm.... depends how much contact she would have with mom and the exposure to all the "things" that make her so upset that her hair falls out- if being with the Grandparents full time means lots of contact with Mom- I would take full custody- if the Grandparents are willing to put the child first, no if ands or butts- then I would work towards joint custody-
    soyousay

    Answer by soyousay at 12:15 AM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • It needs to be about her. I would let the grandparents take temporary custody with a restraining order against the bio mom and revisit the situation as she gets to know your family. She should not be ripped away from the only good thing she knows and forced into a house of strangers. It is going to take her time to get to know your family and right now you need to make it as good of an experience as you can. If it is done now against her will it will make everyone's life horrible not just hers and you and dh but your children as well.

    Alanaplus3

    Answer by Alanaplus3 at 12:39 AM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • Well, she needs to be out of that situation period. So whoever has the best chance of getting custody needs to go for it. Then even if its you I think you guys should consider letting her live with her grandparents and slowly transitioning her into your lives. If that goes smoothly then perhaps at some point she will want to live with you guys full time.
    daughteroftruth

    Answer by daughteroftruth at 6:15 AM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • I agree with daughteroftruth.  I would get her out of that situation completely.  I would let her know and the grandparents, that you want to take your time on deciding where she will live but that you want to spend some time with her. 


    I would have her come and stay the summer with you all.  Maybe even have the grandparents come and visit some too.


    Just reassure her that you want to make sure that she has a voice in where she lives and that her grandparents will always be key in her life should she end up living with you.  And that should she end up living with them you guys will continue to be an active part in her life.  She need consistency and stability more than anything.

    sipn_mom

    Answer by sipn_mom at 10:04 AM on Jul. 6, 2011

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