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Ds/ss/Jealousy/bm (long)

My ds (7) is jealous of ss. It does seem that ss gets more attention and gifts, since he has bm, bm family, my inlaws, then dh and I. I try to explain to him that Mommy and Daddy (dh is the only daddy he has know since his was abusive and is not allowed, no wants to be around) love him very much, that we love all the boys, (mine 7 his 5 ours 2) all the same. It is hard to blend a family and I need advice. My ds acts up when his stepbrother is over. Also, inlaws have ss(5) alot because bm likes to have fun and tries to pull the "they love me better then you" high school crap. If only she could be a fly on the wall, she would think otherwise. Anyway, since ss is over at inlaws he gets alot more things, more time, and such. Also his sister which is no realtion to my dh and is 13 months older then ss from different daddy gets to spend time there to. Because bm wont let ss stay most of the time unless her daughter can to, who is like I said no realtion to any of our family. Ss was a product of a one night stand. Dh has been an amazing father to ss, my son, and the son we have together. However, my ds (7) gets angry and want to hit, glare, and just be plain ugly when ss is around. He say that "he gets everything and I get nothing". He feels so awkward with ss and his sister who isnt realtion over at his grandparents house. He feels he has no place in the family, and constaly wish it could be "just us" again. (the 2 of us) How can I make him understand the sitituion, and that grandparents (inlaws) love him to pieces, daddy loves him , brothers love him and of corse mommy? And how can we get him to be comfortable with everyone, and change his attitude? When it is just dh, my youngest and him he is a good boy. I just dont understand the drastic change. He has been in ss life for 4 years now. THis is difficult. Dh and I have been married 4 years, and the boys have all grwon up together. I get along fine with inlaws and the best I can with bm. I ignore her immaturity and lets things run off my shoulder, I am the bigger person so to speak. But friday when bm dropped off ss at inlaws (where my 2 were at while dh and I looked for a new vechile) for our summer visition (all of july) she said some things in front of my son. Let me say that first off I have been in ss life since he was 8 months old, she has hade mutilple men. This last one she is with now, they have been together 1 1/2 and she tells ss sto call him stepdaddy. My son said she told ss not to call me mom mama or stepma like he has been since he could talk, and that his little brother looked nothing like him, and he didnt have to follow rules at our house and that nobody loved (my son). ANd he heard all this, she did it to where he could. She also lets her bf spank my ss. I dont touch ss, I let his father handle it or I call her when he is bad. So anyway a little off track I am sorry, my son say to me today that he doesnt feel loved and ss is loved more. Now what????

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Asked by Anonymous at 11:43 PM on Jul. 5, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (5)
  • my dd had a similar situation with her cousins. My mom was watching my two nieces for a while, so my dd was feeling left out and felt liek she was not getting enough time with grandma. She actually veribalized these feelings on many occasions. The only thing that helped me was constantly talking to her and explaining how grandparents (just like moms) have enough love to go around for all the grandchildren, but how we all have different needs and that's why we get treated differently. Once she realized that she really had it better because I'm home with her and how my nieces longed to be in their home with their own mom, little by little she let go of her jealousy. I think your son is old enough for you to have some conversations about how ss and his sister need the grandparents' attention. I hope things get better soon. :)

    Answer by Ashoonik at 11:55 PM on Jul. 5, 2011

  • thank you. I think he is confussed as to why ss sister is there when those are not her grandparents. I told him, bc memaw and papa love all children. But he just doesnt feel she needs to be there bc she isnt part of the family, and he is. Also, ss and ds fight for dad's attention. Im trying hard to be the best mommy and stepmommy I can be with out crossing lines on the bm. But I wish she would think of my son also as much as i think of hers. My ds is just hurt, and sad, and mad. I had a talk with my inlaws and we think that we should try one on one with them and ds.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:01 AM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • spending one on one time with him will help him a lot too. My dd used to get mad when we'd go to a store and they would ask my my mom where my niece is. She thought it was so unfair that grandma took my nieces everywhere with her and spent so much time with them. So I had a talk with my mom and she started doing a lot of one on one things with me dd and plus I kept talking to her so she's fine now. The sibling rivlary between him and ss is normal, he wants dad's attention all to himself and then all of a sudden ss comes in and takes part of that away, but then ss needs time with his dad too. Is he spending time with both of them together and separately? Keep talking to him and showing him love and he'll come to understand that he's loved. good luck. :)

    Answer by Ashoonik at 12:06 AM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • Thank you Ashoonik. I hate to see my baby sad. Thanks so much.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:10 AM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • you're welcome. all the best. :)

    Answer by Ashoonik at 12:23 AM on Jul. 6, 2011

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