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Could you forgive him?

i posted a question the other day about how i just found out recently that my husband shook our daughter when she was 4 months old. she's 2 and a half now. he fabricated a story that i believed because i had known him since we were kids and i was naive and stupid. the original question was called "crushed" if you want to look it up for more details. but i also found out that his mom knew the truth too and i feel both of them lied to me and used me to keep him out of going to prison for 20 years, which is the maximum punishment for child cruelty. thanks to me talking to the da he got off with aggravated assault and 10 years probation.

anyway, i made him go to his mom's for the time being while i figure out what to do next. i feel that logically i should divorce him, for hurting my child, keeping something like that from me, and finally using me to keep him out of jail. but the kids do miss and love him, and since all i want to do is what's best for them, it makes my decision even harder. he also had been back from a 15 month deployment for almost 5 months when the injury occured, and has recently been diagnosed with ptsd and depression. my dad is telling me to go to counseling with him, figure out why he lied and if he feels guilty at all and if i can move past this, while literally everyone else is telling me to dump him like yesterday's garbage.

i know two things for sure, i will never trust him or his mom again and i will never leave either of them alone with my kids. if his mom could look the other way knowing what her son did and protect him over her granddaughter, she's a piece of shit and doesn't deserve to have a relationship with them. i remember the day he got convicted she was pissed he got 10 years probation and said, "hasn't he suffered enough!?" KNOWING what he did! i don't know if i can forgive either of them for this ultimate betrayal. and i certainly don't want my daughter to resent me for sticking by a man that would hurt her in such a way. but he thinks if he's loving and caring then she'll understand when she's older.


Asked by Anonymous at 1:42 PM on Jul. 6, 2011 in Relationships

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Answers (19)
  • I found your prior post and read it. I'm sorry, but your husband and his mother are sick. They knew what he had done, and you're right, he guilted you and used your trust in him to keep him out of jail. If it were me, I would never, ever forgive him for harming my child and lying about it to save his own butt. How much guilt can he have over this? He basically got away with it, and thankfully, your child recovered well. Tell his probation officer what he told you and see what happens.

    Answer by MeandMyBabes at 2:02 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • I would not forgive him. He could always hurt someone else.

    Answer by momavanessa at 1:47 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • If you cannot trust him, there's nothing left. Forgiveness is not an issue here. You don't TRUST him. It's done.

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:53 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • What's the point of being with the father of your kids if you can't even trust him to be alone with your kids or you can't forgive what he did? (I don't think I can) God forbid he does something again & you definitely know your MIL will cover him GL!


    Answer by VanillaBlondie8 at 1:49 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • P.S. This has become a legal situation now and you should see it as that. Any action you take or fail to take for your and your daughter's safety will be scrutinized by the court. Do what you can to cover your butt and have paper trails and evidence to show that you are making safety a priority. He could easily turn this around to try to get revenge and get you locked up or the daughter put into foster care if he proves you're an unfit mother. He and his family are dangerous so my best advice is to stay away from them and divorce. Take care...

    Answer by hellokittykat at 1:55 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • I see a whole lot of red flags dear! pls,put ur child/children welfare first before anything else.... forgive? maybe.But trust him again w/ the kids.A BIG NO WAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GL!

    Answer by inahan at 2:02 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • Did anything happen to your daughter after the shaking? Was she alright?

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 4:31 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • oh...he also said the day i made him leave that he knew if he told me i'd leave him and i'd put him in jail, and that he didn't feel like he deserved 20 years in jail. i feel that a.) it should've been my choice whether or not to leave him, not his, and b.) the fact he didn't want to serve jailtime solidifies that he cares more about saving himself than his daughter.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:43 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • You said you don't think you can ever trust him again, that right there should tell you what you need to do. I wouldn't stay in the relationship if I felt that I could not ever trust him, especially if you won't be able to trust him with your kids. If you feel that it was purely and accident and that you could at some point trust him, it might be worth a try, but if you honestly feel that no matter you will not trust him then is there really a relationship?

    Answer by AF4life at 1:48 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • that's the thing, he claims it was "just an accident" and that he's lived with the guilt all this time. but how is shaking a baby an accident? he made the choice to pick her up out of her crib and violently shake her instead of leaving her the hell alone. sure, he might've instantly regretted it when she became unresponsive and lethargic. but was that regret for him or her? that is something i'll never truly know, no matter how much he sugarcoats it.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:51 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

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