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4 Bumps

Honestly, what would you do?

When me and my now hubby were only dating, we broke up for a short amount of time and he slept with an ex-girlfriend and she got pregnant. she told him when she was 3months and he told me. i decided to stay with him and work it out. we got married and had kids of our own. during this time, the ex moved to a different part of the country to live with her parents. i was always wondering why he never went to visit his supposed daughter and i talked him into going to visit them when the girl was 3yo (yes, that is the first time he saw her! otherwise they just talk on the phone every now and then and sent them $700/month). He came back from the visit with pictures and i grew very suspicious. her mother is very pale white woman and my husband is light skinned black. the daughter is middle brown-skinned and looks nothing like my husband. as a matter of fact she is darker than my children and i am light skinned black like my husband. i mentioned this to my husband and he said that she just looks dark in pictures....she's not really that dark in person. i told him that i am skeptical that he is the father, he denied any other possibility saying the ex is so upstanding, saintly, etc. ok. that's fine. he only went to visit her approx. once a year. i sat him down and told him straight up....if you really think that she is your daughter you need to spend more time with her. if you don't think she is your daughter you need to take a dna test and find out once and for all. he once again informed me of the saintly status of the ex and how her word is gold. ok. that's fine. nothing changed about the visiting more often and i was really feeling bad. the alleged daughter was gaining weight, depressed and acting out in school. i know it's because she doesn't have a father figure around. i finally convinced him to take a dna test. the result was 0% probability that he was her father. the mother sent the daughter with grandma and grandpa and tried to kill herself by crashing her car. apparently she claims has no idea who the father is (which leads me to believe that either she had too many choices to remember or that she does know who the father is but he is in prison or something and she doesnt' want to admit it). now my husband wants to keep in touch with the girl (mind you he had little to nothing to do with her before) and is apparently keeping in touch with the ex. do you think that i should just put my foot down and say no contact or let him talk to them still? i don't see how he has an emotional connection with the girl since all he did for her was send $700 bucks a month to her mother and go see her once a year. i really don't like him still talking to the mother (obviously she is crazy and a liar). i think the ex wants to keep the girl in touch to try and get more money out of my husband since he is obviously not sending support anymore (ie. oh, i don't have any shoes....mommy doesn't have a job yet....i need uniform for school, etc.). what is your opinion? sorry it's so long....thanks for reading (or at least skimming lol)


Asked by Anonymous at 9:24 PM on Jul. 6, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (18)
  • Wow..this is tough..for ur dh's sanity he needs to cut ties with this family..let the child be raised by her grandparents..I know that's tough especially for the little girl that didn't ask for any of this..hopefully she will get some the meantime, just try to move on with ur lives for the sake of ur OWN family..hugs mama

    Answer by devsmom98 at 1:02 AM on Jul. 7, 2011

  • For the child's sake, it may be good for him to keep in touch some. If the child has believed all of this time that this was her father, then it would be hard on the child to not be able to not have any contact with him, especially if there is no other possible father in the picture. Phone calls, and cards on holidays and birthdays mean a lot to a child, and they wouldn't require much effort on your dh's part.

    Answer by JeanetteRene at 9:32 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • What a tricky situation! Obviously, he should have taken the DNA test when the child was born, but guys just don't think that way. Unfortunately, the child is the one hurt in all this - plus you and your children, if any. That woman was a liar, and should be committed. She should NOT have custody of that child any more. He should make an anonymous report of child neglect/abuse, and let the state get involved in finding appropriate parents for the child. He might help the mom find alternative help, since he's out of it. Point the clueless woman towards Dept. of Human Services, or drag her there on his next and final visit.
    But he does need to cut all ties with that family. The child needs to find a real father figure who will spend more time than once a year with her. Your DH needs to spend all his time with you, not an ex girlfriend. Tell him about other programs for the child, like big sisters, youth groups, church, etc.

    Answer by LoreleiSieja at 9:32 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • What a sad situation for everyone, your husband and the little girl. That little girl has thought he was her daddy all this time and does she know now that he is not? Has anyone told her? How old is she? This just breaks my heart.

    Answer by zoomomto3 at 9:32 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • Wow. Just wow. I can somewhat understand your DH wanting to keep a relationship with a child he believed was his daughter for so long. Even if he wasnt with her all the time, you said they talked and he obviously loved her. But, I would put my foot down with the ex. I wouldnt deal with him having contact with her at all after that. Thats too much for me. Thats a thinker for sure. Good luck!

    Answer by mlmkjw at 9:33 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • well the girl is 7 or 8yo....a little older than our oldest child. i believe the mother signed over rights to her parents until she gets her issues worked out. i really would like to say they can keep in touch and he could be a mentor to the girl, but i think the mother will abuse their relationship and try to find a new way to use my husband for financial gain. it's so's sort of a lose/lose situation. damned if you do, damned if you don't. someone is going to get hurt either way i think.


    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:37 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • He needs to talk to the grandparents and get to know them. I think, he should keep a relationship with the little girl. None of his is her fault. So, what if he buys her new shoes or a school uniform. Helping out the grandparents, who also did not ask to raise an 8 yr old.
    For the girls emotional health, he should be a mentor. Depending on the grandparents, maybe she could come visit you and your family, giving the grandparents a break. Why haven't you met her? OR your other children met her? She was thought to be your step-daughter and your kids step-sister.
    I don't thnk, it would be right to just leave the litle girl without the only father she's ever known.

    Answer by SassySue123 at 9:53 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • well, sassy, my feeling is that it is not my husband's obligation to buy clothes,e tc. for a child that is not his when he has 3 children right here at home. i was very much in favor of having her come and live with us, and actually that is one reason why he finally broke down and got the test. i felt that she should get to know her half brothers and sister and spend time with us. come to live with us since her mom had such an unstable home for her. now that it is proven she is not his daughter i don't think that i am obligated to raise her. her mother should put on her thinking cap and find the real father instead of trying to guilt our family into taking care of her daughter. i do feel sorry for the girl, but i disagree that being a mentor involves giving her anything besides love and support.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:00 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • It sounds to methat the childs mother is a mess mentallyThere is actually no way to sanely stay in touch with the womann and why would he want to?What all this is doing to the child is so unfair.I see a therapist in her future.If for whatever reason you husband feels the need to keep in touch with the child you might suggest birthday cards and say $100 dollas a month.This leaving the unbalanced woman and her greedy mom out of it.This is demanding far more attention away from your children and your spouse.TRY JUST BLESSING ALL THOSE FOLKS AND MOVE ON.

    Answer by mothericia at 10:15 PM on Jul. 6, 2011

  • @emmyandlisa.......... i'm sure you provided a stable home for her though (unless you're a nutcase too). so it's not my opinion that you can compare the two situations. and i very much disagree with you about continuing to provide for her financially. she has been using him for so long it's time for it to stop. i am torn about the emotional contact....the financial contact has been stopped and i am very firm on that.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:23 PM on Jul. 6, 2011