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MIL and Assited Living

My MIL is a wonderful woman. She just turned 80 years old. She also recently broke her leg, and had triple bypass. When I took over her care (from medical records to painting her toenails) 6 months ago, I did not expect life to be like this. Since living with us her health has improved but her mind has not. She was on 14 medicines, most in which she didn't need. She was living off of Banquet meals she kept in the refrigerator for God knows how long.

This is not to bash her, I really love her. My children (2 and 4) love her. But her physical and mental needs are beginning to exceed my limitations. Just recently I smelled urine in her room. I went on a search and found extra bedding stuffed in a corner under the bed. She tried to blame the dog, then the kids. I told her that accidents happen (especially right now while on Lasix pills) I gently explained that she needs to let me know so that I can wash them, she doesn't even have to say why but just that they need washed. I often find puddles my the potty or her bed that I know where not the dog or my potty training 2 yr old. I will hand her the morning meds, along with juice and breakfast after she eats she will go shower (we have a seat and removable spray head) come back and ask if it's time for breakfast and pills. She argues with the kids, has hit them before, and will on occasion lie to get her way. Since the triple bypass, which thank God she did great after, she seems to not be all here. We knew this might happen. My 4 yr old is suppose to start preschool this fall, but MIL needs therapy 3 days a week and if I can't get both on the same schedule my DD is going to miss out on something else. My day revolves around her needs, not mine, not my children, but hers. My DH says he understands, and knows how hard it is on me. I just can't do this anymore. My children deserve attention at this age especially, they should get to play and run and scream and have fun...not worry what my MIL thinks or if she is asleep (which if I don't keep her occupied she will fall asleep anywhere in 5 minutes or less) She deserves to be somewhere where people can give her the attention and care she deserves. I am beginning to feel resentful and that isn't fair to anyone either.

How do I tell my husband that I no longer want/can care 24/7 for his mother? How do we approach her with the idea without her getting mad? (she gave us the silent treatment when we took her to the neurologist, then told everyone we were trying to kill her and steal her money)


Asked by LadyOsgood at 8:37 PM on Jul. 7, 2011 in Health

Level 13 (1,044 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (3)
  • We are dealing with this with my DH's dad. He is still in the hospital after a triple bypass surgery and has limited mobility due to fused discs in his spine. We are trying to convince him that he should move by us, my DH is an only child and he lives alone, but he is so stubborn. Talk to your DH about how difficult it is to care for her and that she would have a better quality of life in an assisted living home or nursing home. I would do some research and meet with the different facilities and gather information to present to your MIL, and be sure to highlight the positives like the opportunity to met new friends and any other perks the community might have over your home. It sounds like she is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and from personal experience the violent outbursts will be come more frequent as she begins losing more memories and becomes frustrated.

    Answer by amandajoy21 at 8:45 PM on Jul. 7, 2011

  • You have to put your kids first. It's not fair to them for her to be put before them and their needs or for her to be physical with them. She needs care and assisted living sounds like the right option.

    Answer by scout_mom at 9:49 PM on Jul. 7, 2011

  • Atleast you have tried, not everyone can say that. I would be honest with dh and tell him it is too much and putting a strain on you and the family. Good luck.

    Answer by RelaxedMom2-3 at 10:39 PM on Jul. 7, 2011