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Answers / Parenting / Adult Children (18+)
5 Bumps

How can I help my son, or should I?

We told our son (he's 20) he could stay at home rent free if he went to school, even just part time. We did tell him we expected no failing classes. After 2 years we all agreed that college wasn't the right thing for him at this time in his life as he failed at least 1 or more classes every semester. We told him to get a part time job. He didn't. We still let him stay. We went out of town and told him no friends. He had 2 over. They stole every nickel and dime in the entire house, tried to get gas out of my car, and drank beer. Huge blowup. We kicked him out, but after 3 hours of yelling we decided to let him stay under very strick rules. 2 days later he took our jeep without permission to the coast and ruin the soft top. He was kicked out. Now he's living at the homeless center because none of his friends will take him in. But he still won't look for a job with their serivices. Should I help him, how?

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desparatemom

Asked by desparatemom at 1:53 PM on Jul. 8, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (7 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • He has a roof over his head at the moment so let him stew. When he is ready to help you help him he can let you know. Let him know you will be there when he is ready to help himself.
    But_Mommie

    Answer by But_Mommie at 1:56 PM on Jul. 8, 2011

  • You should help him by letting him find his way on his own. You did the right thing by kicking him out, mama! If you continue to enable, he will be 35 before you know it. Still jobless, living at your home, stealing from you, etc. Then, he'll REALLY have trouble getting it together.

    Let him find hi sown way and BE STRONG! He has a chance now to make a life for himself, and he will not do it if he has you to fall back on.

    What you CAN do to help is:
    1) Make sure he has clothing and shoes
    2) Offer to take him around to fill out applications and help him job search
    3) Get him in touch with resources that might help him with living and employment
    4) pay for counseling for him.

    But, he cannot come home and live for free anymore. It is not good for him and will prevent him from becoming a man.
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 1:59 PM on Jul. 8, 2011

  • If you keep bailing him out, he'll never figure it out for himself. He'll be like my brother - 37 years old and bouncing from job to job, sometimes living in his van and constantly asking relatives for money with his "woe is me" sob stories.
    katiemomNY

    Answer by katiemomNY at 2:02 PM on Jul. 8, 2011

  • FYI - I am saying all of this because you are describing my brother at 20. Exactly. My mom couldn't kick him out. SHe just couldn't do it. Now, he's 33. Still at home. No job. Stealing. And, addicted to heroin. Why not? He had nothing else going. Now, when he applies for jobs, they won't hire him because of his lack of work history, alongside the legal problems form stealing. His life is capuut. This will happen to your son unless you allow him the opportunity to swim on his own. He's 20, he has the energy to succeed.
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 2:03 PM on Jul. 8, 2011

  • seems like he doesn't wanna help himself out. i say no. i know he's ur son, but there comes a point in time he has to take responsiblity
    goofygalno1

    Answer by goofygalno1 at 2:04 PM on Jul. 8, 2011

  • Nope, you are just enabling him to be a loser.
    bcauseimthemom

    Answer by bcauseimthemom at 2:08 PM on Jul. 8, 2011

  • I know I will get bashed, but I think you need to have him come home and perhaps take him to a psychologist for an evaluation,, Was he a good student in high school? Maybe he just needs to find out if he is depressed, and what he would be interested in doing something he likes,,, I couldn't bear to have my child in a shelter,, I would call him today.
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 2:17 PM on Jul. 8, 2011

  • My kids know regardless of what they ever do they will be able to come home. My mom and dad left me homeless to teach me a lesson and this was more then 10 yrs ago. You know what? All it did was make me hate them. I dont trust them anymore either. Sure I can put on a smile, and pretend to like them, but inside my heart it has always hurt that they could treat me with such indifference,. They treated their pets better they werent homeless. So just keep in mind tough love is tough but it has serious reprocutions too.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 2:26 PM on Jul. 8, 2011

  • No dont help him, he needs to learn to grow up and dealing with this is the only way it will happen, he is just waiting for you to cave, you've caved every other time he messed up. You need to let him deal with the real world
    DianeMary

    Answer by DianeMary at 1:42 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • gemgem-if the reason you were left homeless to teach you a lesson (like you were being a jerk or trying to get a free ride) then your parents were right and you need to get over it!
    purplerobin

    Answer by purplerobin at 10:09 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

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Answers / Parenting / Adult Children (18+)