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2 Bumps

What's going on?

My fiance and I just had a huge fight and now im sitting here in tears. We live long distance and i understand that sometimes it gets really hard. But this was a fight about my past. Everyone has a past, and before he and I started dating we were long distance friends and I went through a phase of self hatred and tried to fix my feelings through intimate contact (not something I'm proud of by any means). It's not who I actually am and I went to therapy for it. But whenever he brings up the past I end up in tears. He always says, "you weren't the girl I thought you were" "you were just a ho to them" "Just a p***y" to them" and it really really really hurts, because I never meant to hurt him by any means and if i could change the past I wouldn't have done that way. But he actually said to me tonight "maybe we should break up for a while so I can understand why you did what you did?" It hurts so badly and I'm so angry at the same time! I just wish he could stop bringing up the past like this. He promised me he would stop with these stupid fights we seem to have every 4-6 months over the gosh darn same thing. Why can't he just get over it and be with me because he loves me... my past has nothing to do with it. It was before him! I just dont understand. I have no idea if this even makes sense as I cant even think straight.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:03 AM on Jul. 9, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • I agree he has not right saying the things he has to you. And like you said it was before you two were dating so it really doesn't matter, you didn't hurt him by your actions. I went through a very similar phase so you're not alone..and it was right before my hubby and I met. If he really can't get past it then you have to think about moving on, you didn't commit any "relationship Sin" as you weren't in a relationship at the time.
    tntmom1027

    Answer by tntmom1027 at 1:24 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • sounds like he's bringing them up because of his own insecurities.. maybe he's afraid you'll go back to being that way, and it doens't have to be because of what you did that makes him fear this, it could be because he was cheated on in past relationships, etc..

    either way, tell him point blank to explain WHY he brings up what he does and mentions the things he does.. if he's upfront and honest, that means he's being open and from there you can BOTH work on trying to fix the issues in yourselves and in your relationship.. if he gets defensive or lies about why, then you might as well give up, because he's either not willing to change or doesn't even realize he's using his own insecurities to destroy the relationship and it's not going to be able to be fixable unless he's honest about himself about these issues.
    xxhazeldovexx

    Answer by xxhazeldovexx at 1:37 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • you both need to stop talking about your past - he's got a past too. If the two of you are going to be successful, you both need therapy to figure out why he keeps bringing up your past when you get in to arguments. It's got nothing to do with your relationship as it is now and you both need to work on getting past it. Question (I'm not trying to be hurtful) - but why does he keep bringing up your past - the comments he makes would hurt anyone. I guess what I'm trying to ask is what is his purpose for saying those things? To me, it sounds like he's hurting and wants to hurt you whenever you argue - that's just not fair. If you're going to make it as a couple - long distance or otherwise - you're both going to have to learn how resolve your differenceswith each other without being hurtful and bringing up issues that - yes, make you the person you are, but don't have a valid place in your current issues. Big hug.
    pocmom

    Answer by pocmom at 1:22 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • He needs to stop using your past to hurt you. I would be questioning him right now. I just read your reply and he sounds insecure... a little possessive.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:37 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • leave the past in the past and move on. yes everyone has a past and some are not happy with some of their choices but you have to move forward and if he isn't willing to do this then he isn't worth having in your life
    Christmaslver68

    Answer by Christmaslver68 at 7:37 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • Just because he cant get over it is no reason for him to treat you that way,so if you messed up we all do --now hold your head up up and move on.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:16 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • I've never once brought up his past because it has nothing to do with the here and now and what makes us a couple. I have no idea why he brings it up. He says he doesn't understand how someone could be so casual about sex and when I try to explain to him that I was in a bad place and hurting alot and dealt with it the wrong way, he says well then whats to say you wouldn't go back to that. I just look at him and tell him that he knows who I am inside and out and if he for one second thinks that I would stray then he doesn't know me at all. He told me once that I was the only girl that's ever made him feel insecure because of my looks but that doesn't give him a reason to get like he does sometimes...
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:27 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • tntmom1027 ...He promised he would stop with these stupid fights.... he apologized and said " I promise you it won't happen again, I don't even deserve you after last time" I just don't want him to wake up 10 years from now and realize that he regrets marrying me or something... I love him with allll of my heart, and I know I want to be with him always, and I know he loves me and wants to be with me, I just don't understand how he could be hurtful to the woman he's marrying. Why is it when men hurt they get hurtful and mean with their words????
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:31 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • As soon as I told him that he promised to stop these stupid, pointless fights, he apologized but I'm still hurt.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:33 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • @xxhazeldovexx he does have insecurities because his ex wife cheated on him... but I have never given him a reason to worry or be concerned that I would do that to him.

    @anon. He's insecure sometimes but he's never been possessive.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:40 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

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