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4 Bumps

Could or would you forgive cheating by your mate?

husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend or partner?
why or why not?

Answer Question
 
doloriaw

Asked by doloriaw at 3:15 AM on Jul. 9, 2011 in Relationships

Level 5 (74 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • No. It's a violation I just could not "get over" even if I really honestly sincerely wanted to. Not that I'm mean or hold a grudge but I just know i could not honestly and completely forgive it, so I wouldn't pretend to, or even try. That would just lead to long-term resentment and festering problems. Not a good foundation for a relationship.
    judimary

    Answer by judimary at 3:17 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • No, couldn't and wouldn't. Fidelity is extremely important to me - if he's so far gone that he feels the need to cheat on me, then I expect him to tell me before he actually does it - because if I were to find out after the fact? It wouldn't be nice. My DH knows that that is a thorny issue with me (and no, I have not been cheated on before). My husband's first wife cheated on him and I told him up front - this is something I won't ever do to you - it's disrespectful and I respect you and our marriage. And if you do it to me, you'll regret it. He believes me.
    pocmom

    Answer by pocmom at 3:26 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • No way. A cheater is a liar and I hate both
    BrendaW.

    Answer by BrendaW. at 3:52 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • I may forgive him if it was something that happened 1 night after a few drinks with a girl whose name he didn't even remember kind of thing, especially if he was honest about it. I don't know. It just depends on the situation.
    Razzle_Dazzle1

    Answer by Razzle_Dazzle1 at 3:53 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • It would depend on a LOT of things. 1) was this an ongoing affair, or a one time mistake? 2) what was our marriage like before this - were we having problems, were my actions contributing to the problems (NOT that this is EVER an excuse to cheat, but can contribute), is our marriage great otherwise, and worth salvaging? 3) Did he tell me about it himself, or did I find out on my own? 4)What was he willing to do to rectify the situation?

    For example - he's deployed, he gets drunk, and wakes up in some woman's bed, feels horribly guilty, tells me about it right away, and stops drinking from then on out.... I could possibly forgive that - it would take a LOT of time, counseling, etc, but I could try to forgive it.

    But, for another example - every night for the past year he's been meeting my best friend or his co-worker and sleeping with her, and I catch them - nope. Sorry, can't get past that.
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 4:19 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • cont

    Because I could maybe see once being a mistake (once being ONE instance - NOT one LOVER, multiple instances) - and he would have to be the one to tell me, and right away. Otherwise, if I found out any other way, or it was more than one time, it wouldn't be a mistake, it would be a lifestyle choice, and I couldn't forgive it then.

    Not saying I COULD forgive it the other way, just that I would be more willing to consider working it out...
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 4:21 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • Not a chance
    HollyBoBolly

    Answer by HollyBoBolly at 4:55 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • No. It's a violation I just could not "get over" even if I really honestly sincerely wanted to. Not that I'm mean or hold a grudge but I just know i could not honestly and completely forgive it, so I wouldn't pretend to, or even try
    Christmaslver68

    Answer by Christmaslver68 at 7:32 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • He did and I have. However, it's not easy to forget. I believe that if you harbor ill feelings or are unforgiving, it will only eat you up inside. I have invested too much in our lives to just leave or have him leave. I am Catholic and I've always believed in the sanctity of mariage and not in divorce. It's complicated, but I really never wanted to get married in the first place. I compromised because I wanted children. We have 4 grown children and will be married 32 years in August. I also feel that he has "been punished" in a way. He's had a heart attack and other health problems. Although his deceit and unfaithfulness was one of the things that contributed to my nervous breakdown, he also stuck by me and had to make a decision to save my life. It's not easy, but I just take one day at a time, am on meds., see a psychologist and psychiatrist regularly.
    rosiemendo

    Answer by rosiemendo at 8:13 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

  • I think it's possible that I could forgive a one time mistake, but I would have issues with trust after that for sure. So not sure how that would work out in the long run. I would at least try though. If it's something that happens more than once, though, I'm out the door.
    mistykilo

    Answer by mistykilo at 8:17 AM on Jul. 9, 2011

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