(yes, i have this posted in 2 areas. i hope thats not a problem, but i feel that maybe i'll get good advice from each section.... that this is a kid's health issue and a relationship issue)
I'm a horrible mom. I suck at it. I'm too depressed to DO anything about it. I gave DS a shower today... when was the last one he had? Over a week ago- and that was cuz my dad gave it to him! before the shower my dad gave him? at least 5 days before that! DS fixes himself his own breakfast and lunch. Dinner can vary b/c sometimes i just order pizza, or thats when i'm able to get up- and stay up to get something, or actually make something!
i dont know whats wrong with me. it just happened within the last month or so. but it doesnt excuse the fact that i'm neglecting DS at the very least. i have no one to take him in, no one to care for him. his own dad/dad's family denies him (DNA proven) and has only seen him about 3 times in 6 years. i have no family other than my dad and my dad has stated (when i got preg- but his views have not changed) that he will NOT be responsible for a grandchild; "the kid will go in the state's care if you die"...
i mean its at the point where i'm still amazed i have a job! i force myself to get up for my job- why cant i force myself to do things for DS?!
i cant get any "me" time- and lets be real, i dont NEED it b/c i get it when i dont do anything for DS. i cant go to a therapist b/c none in my area will base it on my income... i work when therapists are open, cant get time off work b/c i NEED that money in order to provide (ha! provide what?! a shitty lifestyle for a 6 year old who does everything for himself?!)
i feel stuck. i want to die, but then i think- if i die, DS will be alone, in fostercare.. so i should just give him up.... but i'm too selfish for that b/c i'll admit- i need him. he's the only one who brings any slight happiness in my life... but why is it, this entire weekend, he's been getting under my skin? i refuse to spank him (even for his normal behavior that is usually dealt with spanking) b/c right now, i know i'll spank out of anger. i know that a HUGE part of me wants to lash out against something and right now, he's the only one around- so i refuse to even discipline (even if i tell him to go to time out, and he doesnt obey- i dont correct him b/c i'm afraid of how i'll handle it!). i dont know what i'm doing. i'm doing everything wrong and i need someone to tell me what to do RIGHT! i'm so alone.
i made a schedule; hour by hour, that includes meal times, bathtimes, etc. i hope i stick with it. b/c i dont wanna be like this; i dont wanna be this kind of mom.... and maybe a schedule will help me.
what else can i do, to get back to me?! the me who played with her kid, the me who enjoyed life?! who didnt care that she was a single mom b/c i could handle everything/anything thrown my way?! i hate- HATE feeling like this; like i need someone to help me when i'm feeling this way... when i dont wanna cook dinner, or give DS a bath- i'll have that fallback person to do it for me!
please dont bash me. i'm trying to be a better mom. i want to be a better mom. i used to be. i just dont know what happened.
Asked by Anonymous at 8:48 PM on Jul. 10, 2011 in Relationships
Answer by megclark22 at 9:01 PM on Jul. 10, 2011
You gotta get help! I know it's costly and you work during available hours but seriously, it sounds like you can't do it on your own! You most likely need medication and therapy. Is there any free counseling in your area? Even if it means taking one hour off of work to get yourself some help. One positive thing you got going on ...is that you realize you need help and you want to do something about it! You gotta do it for you and him both, you deserve happiness!
Answer by anichols1 at 9:04 PM on Jul. 10, 2011
Answer by Helen2004 at 9:04 PM on Jul. 10, 2011
Answer by Helen2004 at 9:06 PM on Jul. 10, 2011
Answer by megclark22 at 9:10 PM on Jul. 10, 2011
Answer by wheresthewayout at 9:17 PM on Jul. 10, 2011
Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 9:23 PM on Jul. 10, 2011
Answer by bianca2422 at 9:24 PM on Jul. 10, 2011
Answer by wheresthewayout at 10:14 PM on Jul. 10, 2011
I hope you got some answers you needed, I'm just checking back... in the hopes that what people wrote will hopefully inspire you to do something to help you and your son. You know, it's gonna take you making the first move in making a difference and I really hope you do. You can message me anytime sweetie, ill listen, promise!!!!
Answer by anichols1 at 10:38 PM on Jul. 10, 2011