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2 Bumps

How to approach DH

When we first got together my husband talked about wanting more children. I had a 20 month old and 6 week old at the time, and he had a 26 yr old. I have always dreamed of a large family, and was one of the reasons I continued on with the relationship. When we got engaged I brought up the idea of getting ourselves and checkbook ready for a baby, he said "no lets wait until after the wedding then we can plan" well the wedding came and went and I brought up the idea again...he dropped a bombshell. He said he really didnt want anymore, said it was a change of heart. Not that it changes my love for him but it does hurt me that he lied...or even changed his mind but lead me to believe he still wanted it. My oldest just turned 4 and is starting preschool this fall, my baby will be 3 in November and me crazy...i really want another child (be is from my womb or another)....

so here we are...more advice than answers I guess...but...
how would/should i bring this up to my husband without hurting either of us? what do we do if i am left wanting (he says no) or I get what I want and he ends up regretting having another child?


Asked by LadyOsgood at 1:30 PM on Jul. 11, 2011 in General Parenting

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This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • Interesting timing on this question.. I'm going through something similar right now. DH said he wanted to have a big family with me, and then he changed his mind. Honestly, I'm not okay with it. I've been trying to just be happy with the family we have - thinking, I'd rather have a happy family of 3 than have a broken family of 4 - but it just doesn't seem fair that he can break those kinds of promises, and I'm starting to resent him for lying to me on such a big issue (of course he says he didn't lie, but it still feels that way).

    You need to talk to him. This has to be something you both deal with openly and actively because it's not just going to go away.

    For me and DH, I don't know how this will end, but I'm hopeful that it will have a happy ending (kid or no kid.. just want us to be happy) since we both want to make this work. Whatever happens, we have to do this together.

    Answer by Sebbiemama at 4:20 PM on Jul. 11, 2011

  • I'd bring it up when you are both relaxed, and see if he's willing to share what caused his "change of heart". Maybe he thinks he's getting too old, or feels inadequate, and the right kind of encouragement would help him see that if he didn't have what it takes, you wouldn't have picked him to be your baby's father (for the present or future ones). Hopefully you'll be able to come to a compromise (i.e. one child together instead of 2 or 3), but above all, strive for respect to each other, honesty, and genuinely listen to what he has to say.

    Answer by terirose22 at 1:39 PM on Jul. 11, 2011

  • Well if he doesn't want anymore children then you will have to live with it, and get over it. I would maybe ask him WHY he had a change of heart. I take he's quite a bit older if he has a 26 year old. It's not an easy concept to start over again. I sure as hell wouldn't do that. You still have little ones at home.

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 1:46 PM on Jul. 11, 2011

  • Be honest, tell him that his change of heart hurts you because you didn't have a change of heart. Good luck mama!

    Answer by Dahis at 1:32 PM on Jul. 11, 2011

  • You don't want him to regret a child.and you do need to agree on it.Maybe just ask him why he changed his mind on the issue.When the time is right.

    Answer by evelynwest at 1:37 PM on Jul. 11, 2011

  • he does say he is getting old...but he knew this when we got married...i am 24 and he is 48...before you say EEEWWW there is nothing perverse about it...i just wish he had said something before...i am trying to be i need to work on the relaxed part...i dont mind if we adopt an older child either...that way he doesnt feel like we are starting over from the beginning...idk

    Comment by LadyOsgood (original poster) at 1:45 PM on Jul. 11, 2011

  • Thanks for the advice...though to be honest kimigogo i dont think ignoring my feelings is going to help any. if it was something as silly as bathroom tile then sure i can let it go and let him get his way but this is a baby we are talking about. i understand where he is at...thats not what I was asking. I asked how i should approach the subject.

    Sebbiemama we will be fine either way...he knows i hurt and no matter what decision we make and this will be one made together he will hold my hand...i should have mentioned we had a miscarriage at 8 wks just last September. part of me really wonders if he is scared that will happen again.

    Zakysmommy...he kinda already started over when he began a relationship with me and my children...DD was 6 wks old and oldest was about 1.5 yrs old.

    Comment by LadyOsgood (original poster) at 9:20 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • If you love him then put this away and put it to rest,, you don't want somebody making a baby with you just for your happiness, I think the one who doesn't want more kids should get the biggest vote, and yes he changed his mind, but perhaps he is just satisfied with the family you have now, and there isn't anything wrong with that,, no kids means no kids from your womb or adopted,, I am 44 and would like to have another baby, but I would be almost 60 when he or she would graduate high school, and really would like to be retired instead of having to worry about college money,, so can you kind of understand where he is at? Just be thankful for a happy healthy marriage and family.

    Answer by kimigogo at 1:52 PM on Jul. 11, 2011