Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

5 Bumps

Trying to be as non-judgmental as possible, but how would you offer advice to your friend in this situation? (vent)

not too long ago, i posted about one of my best friends leaving her home because she was being severely verbally abused by her husband and the environment was not healthy for her or her kids. i didn't have room to take her in but my parents did so she's now living with them. her and her husband are still married but definitely getting a divorce at some point. they don't consider themselves married anyway.

she's talking to a new guy who's so not good for her. he's on probation for a felony drug charge (he used to sell) and has two different "baby mamas" one of which is having her baby today. he says they aren't together, but i tried to kindly remind her that guys will say anything and that she doesn't want to be involved in "baby mama drama" because what if they are together and just having problems, i don't want her to feel bad if she wrecks a home. she has already slept with the guy and didn't use protection either.

i know we all make mistakes and everything, but i'm also fearful for her that if her husband finds out he could get her for adultery. is that even possible though since they aren't living together?

i just worry about the choices she's making possibly affecting her or her kids in the long run. i know there isn't much i can do about it though other than be supportive of her and try to offer advice in a kind manner.

 
tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 9:39 AM on Jul. 12, 2011 in Relationships

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • It seems to me you are already doing everything a true friend would do, just keep giving her advice and pray she will take it or at least think about it, but it also seems that she will be difficult to guide. Just be there from when she needs you again!
    older

    Answer by older at 9:41 AM on Jul. 12, 2011

  • That's really all you can do is be supportive and a good friend. And yes, give blunt advice and hope that it will sink in sometime soon. She sounds like she's in a real mess and it's up to her to really want to get out of it and actually do something about it. Good luck to her!
    kmombear

    Answer by kmombear at 9:44 AM on Jul. 12, 2011

  • If he did find out he could bring that to divorce court to show that she is an unfit mother, because of the example she is setting and the risky behavior that can affect their children and possibly put them in danger. My cousin's husband did that to her when she left him and started dating some man before they were divorced. He tried to insinuate that they had been seeing each other before they were separated and wanted to cry Alienation of Affection. He also tried to take their kids from her, saying she was making bad choices and was sitting a bad example.
    Razzle_Dazzle1

    Answer by Razzle_Dazzle1 at 9:44 AM on Jul. 12, 2011

  • I think I must have different friendships than most but I wouldn't be worried about hurting feelings if it made my friend open her eyes. I have a friend right now that was making some really stupid choices with men and I laid into her pretty hard. I'm a few years older than she is, went through a lot before I finally "woke up" and it made me realize that I wish someone would have been more direct with me when I thought I knew all, maybe it would have saved me from some of the abuse that I endured. Just know that no matter what you say or do, she won't change until she's ready and the best thing you can do is be there for her when she needs you, and it sounds like she will. Good luck!!
    how_reb

    Answer by how_reb at 9:49 AM on Jul. 12, 2011

  • I think that you need to take her by the arms and look her right in the face, and say you have already made a poor choice in the father of your children, why do you insisit on doing it again,, I would encourage her to get into counseling and point out that when he is arressted for drugs, and she is with him, she will be charged as well, then the kids will be living with the father. IDK how much more longer she would be me friend the phrase you can lead a horse to water but you can't make the drink comes to mind...
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 10:09 AM on Jul. 12, 2011

  • if they aren't legally separated then yes he could bring the adultery charges to court and when things are separated (who gets the house, car, etc etc) that could effect her.. but I don't tihnk it will ultimately effect the kids.. doesn't mean if he finds out he won't use it against her when they fight over custody though.. I guess my suggestion would be to maybe have her sit down and look at the facts and decide how she feels from there.. sounds like this is otherwise just giong to be how she goes through life.
    xxhazeldovexx

    Answer by xxhazeldovexx at 10:15 AM on Jul. 12, 2011

  • i would tell her that she is starting on another shitty path if she keeps going with this guy. I'd be totally honest with her.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 10:17 AM on Jul. 12, 2011

  • Personally I wouldn't be kind about. She has NO business getting in another relationship. She's not ready. Honestly, I think you should be "point blank" with her.
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 10:20 AM on Jul. 12, 2011

  • Talk polite and give the advise .next spep is his...
    GlitteribonMom

    Answer by GlitteribonMom at 10:55 AM on Jul. 12, 2011

  • i agree- no business getting into a relationship. NOT b/c she just got out/is getting out of one but b/c it sounds like she's not strong enough to be in another relationship. she went from an abuser to a drug dealer. she needs to work on herself- bring up her self esteem, self value AND THEN start looking for guys on the same level.
    Shy_Dia

    Answer by Shy_Dia at 10:58 AM on Jul. 12, 2011