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3 Bumps

How do we mend this relationship ?

My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship who is now grown ( 23 ) ... When we first met she was his princess , but as time went on we seen her less ( she was a teen and more worried about her friends and boyfriends) ...

We live in a small backwoods town where it is 99% white .. I am not saying we have anything against people of different color, but there is ALOT of people who live here that are... so when she introduced us to her boyfriend who was very dark and who we knew nothing else about, we tried to talk her into not getting so serious with him because we knew they could never be together in a normal relationship and live where we live.... plus even if he was white, they were so serious, so soon, we still wouldnt have liked it ( so it wasnt just because of his race) ....

She got upset over us trying to talk to her about it and basically cut us out of her life.

One day a few weeks ago we ran into her at a store, it was wonderful seeing her, she was so grown up and so beautiful.. my husband hugged her and said he had missed her and said he didnt want to miss out on any more of her life especially over some boy she dated in high school...

That is when she said " he wasn't just some boy i dated in high school, he is my husband and the father of my children" .. I think my husband and my mouths both dropped to the floor... we never knew she got married, never knew she had kids... my husband was so heartbroken he missed out on all of this...

We invited her and her family over to meet us and the rest of the family for 4th of July , when her 2 little girls walked in my heart almost popped out of my chest, they are the most beautiful little girls I have ever seen ! They were so well behaved, so smart, just PERFECT ... her husband was also handsome, dressed nicely, polite, and you could see how much love and respect her had for her.... they told us how they got married, they bought a nice house ( 30 mintues away) , and they just have a nice little life together....everything was just so nice..

Until, a relative of my husband made a racial slur and she heard it ( the relative tried to say it so only a few people heard it but so did she) ... tears filled her eyes and she said they had to go...

we have tried so hard to get in contact with her again, and she is ignoring us , she snet me an email saying she feels that we are not ready to appreciate her family right now and that maybe in the future we will.... and that just breaks our hearts !

How can we prove that we dont feel that way, that we love her and her children and we want a relationship with them !!!

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:04 AM on Jul. 13, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (14)
  • Maybe if ya'll are willing to meet each other half way...you said 30 minute drive or heck, visit THEM in their home...their environment and comfort zone. I've been told, the people you hang around reflect on you...so maybe if you aren't around the snubby family members, she might get to see ya'll for who YOU really are and can work, build, and grow from that. Until people see how well you can embrace the change, they may not step up. Heck, maybe if you were able to defend them in your home...that would show her that you have changed. Just keep trying. It takes time. It's better to enjoy what you have and I'm sure you want to see those babies more often. G'luck to you. Hope everything works out for you.
    Imortlmommy

    Answer by Imortlmommy at 12:11 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • IMO,,, the ignorance of the person saying the slur shouldn't upset your relationship with her. She should understand that people are going to have their opinions about her husband and family. But she shouldn't hold that against you. Maybe meet with her somewhere she'd be more comfortable. Good luck

    Danni143

    Answer by Danni143 at 12:15 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • I would just keep on loving her and keep extending the invitation...Perhaps you can invite them exclusively where this relative is NOT going to be invited...Then being positive, enjoy their company...Build a relationship again with them...Show them by your loving and accepting example that you are NOTHING like that person who made the careless remark...
    Conduct like this insensitivity makes me want to wring people's necks...
    I can understand where she must be deeply hurt....Give her some time....
    Blessings,
    Veronica
    VeronicaTex

    Answer by VeronicaTex at 12:16 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • Disown the racist relative...
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 12:48 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • I really don't believe that you guys would of treated her then boyfriend the same if he was white. You guys looked at him and made a bad judgment! Now you should have a conversation with that person that made that comment and tell him or her to GET OVER IT! This is 2011!! If you know the person will not keep they're mouth shut then keep the person away from your home! I KNOW from experience from my husband's parents who claimed they were not racist yet they have no African American or Mexican friends(which I am both!) how nasty they treated me! They did not see my son nor me for almost 2 years! Now we are civil for now.
    momavanessa

    Answer by momavanessa at 1:21 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • Well, that's a toughy. Even though it wasn't you who said the racial slur, it sounds like she's sort of making you pay the price. You can't control what comes out of others mouths, it's impossible. I agree with lmortimommy in that maybe try visiting them at their home or town so they are completely comfortable.
    I am not a big fan of interracial dating/marriages BUT it's NOT because I do not like other races. It is because in the long run...we are all "watering down" our races and I feel that is a really sad thing. What will we become eventually? Some people don't care about that, I know. My sister has an african american baby boy, I still feel the same. We don't see him as a "color"..we see him as a person. You mentioned how well behaved, well dressed, etc ...did you expect something different because of their color? honestly? Because it sounds like you did expect them to be horrible in some way, stereo-typed?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:48 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • I am sorry,. I totally don't understand why anyone would have a problem in the least little way about a white girl dating a black boy. I think it is a sick and outdated philosophy, you need to seriously fess up and own your feelings about it, you haven't fully admitted the racism in it on your part, and that is what she needs in order to allow you guys to be close to her family. She's not punishing you, she's protecting her young, and the man she loves because she knows they could get hurt. I am not accusing you of being racist, but based on what you told me, I suggest you really take a hard look at it. You should have never told her she couldn't have a normal relationship with him, she can. Also, telling her not to date a person she liked because of other peoples opinions is so wrong. Just because most people are sheep doesn't mean they have to be.
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 2:12 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • Jackiegirl007 took the words right out of my mouth!

    If she sees what kind of "family" she is reconnecting with has an issue with racism along with how you and DH approached her, she is going to run away. She needs to protect her family from ignorance and hurtful words. You can't expect her to be excited to be around this. You also made her feel unwelcome with your words or advice and you need to prove that you have changed. Don't wait too long, you have already missed enough. GL
    ProudMammaMia

    Answer by ProudMammaMia at 3:53 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • You need to apologize for your behavior when she was a teenager and first with her now-husband. You were wrong. Then, you say that you are incredibly proud of her and want to know her and her family. Then you put in the time and eventually trust will come back.
    Fistandantalus

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 7:22 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • Make it a point to go to her. Ask for another chance. Tell her that you and your husband want to be part of their lives. And if that means you will always have to go to them, so be it!....... Its gonna take some convincing. He not only insulted her, but her husband and especailly her children. Its very sad, but you can change things around. Good Luck!
    eluc

    Answer by eluc at 9:22 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

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