Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

Biological Mother problems - Pyschological abuse and we can't prove it in court or change BM's behavior adult content

Things are just getting worse and I think you ladies are on the right track when you say something must be going on at BM's house BM called to "say hi" to SD last night at 9:10pm! And the conversation literally consisted of just this "Are you ready to come home yet? Don't you miss me? I am eating s'mores right now you know the ones with the big fluffy marshmallows - just like you like - don't you wish you could have one?! Hey I went shopping today and bought you a present but it is a surprise and you can have it when I come get you on Friday, I wish it was today don't you. Only three more days aren't you ready? Who do you want me to bring with me to pick you up!? You don't sound like you want to talk what is going on? Kelly (BM's new boyfriend) and I went to Worlds of Fun Oceans of Fun" BM. DH and I were livid but the court order says we have to allow phone conversations. After SD hung up the phone she was so pissed off at BM and all she would do was cling on to us and tell us how much she loved us and that BM was a bad person. SD woke up 7 times during the night bawling and begging DH and I to come and sleep in her room with her.


Asked by NessGuinness at 11:04 AM on Jul. 13, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 10 (414 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • If the court order says you have to allow phone calls, does it say that you can't hit the mute button and walk off? That is very much abuse and I'd get the court order changed. Start taping the phone calls, get permission from whomever you have to and even tell her that you are doing it. It sounds like she's so immature that she'll continue her behavior anyway. So sad for the child.

    Another thing, I think, is that you maybe have to allow phone calls (until you can get that changed), but can tell her that you don't answer the phone after 6 pm or 7pm or 8pm, etc. That way, she's not disrupting her sleep.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 11:21 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • My son does this. But it's because he doesn't like the rules at my house and constantly tell his dad that he wants to live with him instead of me.

    Answer by Y.B.normal at 11:16 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • Part of it is taunting "don't you wish you could have one", etc, but I think the rest sounds like a mom that misses her child and wants to see her. I worry just as much about what she is saying as the comment "I just wish I could take SD far far away from BM". It sounds like a little girl is between two families that don't want her to have anything to do with the other. That is sad.

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 11:42 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • That's just awful. Maybe you should go back to court and tell the judge what is going on and about the child crying and begging not to go home.

    Answer by Razzle_Dazzle1 at 11:11 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • How old is SD & how often does she have to see BM? Yes, the court order says you have to allow conversations but is it up to SD how long she stays on the phone? Can DH think of something that BM really doesn't like that SD can bring up. Maybe snakes or sports. She just has to start talking & bore her mother enough that the conversation goes on for long enough. I don't have any ideas for how she deals with her when they're together. Any suggestions including this one would be PAS on your part. Is SD going to counseling?

    Answer by Verrine at 11:12 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • You don't want to PAS or HAP the girl (unlike BM), so just ask her neutral questions (how does that make you feel?) and let her talk. SD will reach a point when she "gets" what's going on and will take matters into her own hands. In the meantime don't try to control the situation too's one of those take the high road situations, I think...unless there are tangible forms of abuse you can prove. That's another story.

    Answer by BluDog at 11:17 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • Wow, we are in similar situation so I know how you feel. We have to deal with my SD's mother the same way. Our court order states that both parties have to allow the other party phone conversations and her mother finds any reason to call. She sees her every other day at gymnastics practice even on our visitation days and then she calls on other days every night. My SD doesn't mind but she made comments in past ("why does my mom keep calling?). She is getting worse and more intrusive and I have hard time dealing with her. I have great relationship with my SD.I think her mother will never be ok with her ex having new family and 2 other children. That's why I joined this site, I just need to see that we are not alone and other people deal with stuff we have to. I hope it will get better for you because it put stress on you and your SD.I think both BM's are very selfish and don't care about their kids feelings, it's all about them

    Answer by Jana0306 at 11:19 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • IDK, it sounds to me like she is trying to make her excited to see her. I don't hear abuse at all.
    Do you talk poorly about biomom around SD?

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:22 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • We have tried going back to court in the past for black eyes and burn marks that SD would come home with because BM would say she fell into a table but SD would say "It's a long story, I don't want to talk about it" (at 3 years old) DHS said it was typically injuries for a child her age BULLSHIT! and they said the psychological abuse was too hard to prove. DH and I have considered recording all of the phone conversations - we already record the ones between BM and DH because she would litterally threaten his life, now she will not speak to him in person, on the phone, through letter/email/or text. There is literally no communication between the two of them even when DH tries. SD lives with mom full time and we have a very liberal visitation schedule that mom is forced to comply with because of the number of times she hasn't - if she withholds SD again she looses placement. I just wish I could take SD far far away from BM

    Comment by NessGuinness (original poster) at 11:30 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

  • Annon - No. We do not talk poorly about any of the maternal side of the family - thats why DH and I have each other as well as our outside support networks like cafemom. Maybe it would help you to know that in the 4 years we have had SD with us throughout the months BM has NEVER called her. And when you miss your 5 year old calling them and telling them how much fun you are having without them is not a way to show love. Making them feel guilt about not being at your house and making them feel like they are missing out on fun of eating their favorite snack is not love. Maybe you should look at this in a 5 year old's eyes and not in an adults eyes and if you truely see something wrong with it which you obviously do or you wouldn't have posted annon. then there is something seriously wrong with you.

    Comment by NessGuinness (original poster) at 11:34 AM on Jul. 13, 2011

Next question in General Parenting
How to deal with....?

Next question overall (Preschoolers (3-4))