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How do I get over the abandoment feeling of being adopted

I was adopted in 1970...I have 2 siblings that are natural to my adoptive parents. I have struggled all my life, but more in my adult life. I never feel wanted, appreciated or like I quite fit in. I do go to couselling and I do understand the things that are said but it does not seem to erase those feelings.

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Asked by Anonymous at 3:54 PM on Jul. 13, 2008 in Adoption

Answers (10)
  • I was adopted in 1967 - I have struggled with those same feelings my entire life. One book that was somewhat helpful for me was "The Primal Wound."

    I know my birthmom, and know that she wanted to keep me, but that doesn't even help...the anger transferred to HER parents, who forced her to give me up. This has taken a huge toll on my relationships. Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk about it. I find that having someone who understands helps a lot.

    Answer by lawmom623 at 4:11 PM on Jul. 13, 2008

  • I am soo sorry that you have had to struggle with these feelings. I have older sibling that were adopted out before i was born due to an illness my mother suffered and she feels terrible that it had to happen. I wish you peace and just know for someone to adopt you is a blessing, Once again I wish you happiness and good luck.

    Answer by wondermommy5 at 6:39 PM on Jul. 13, 2008

  • I don't have any advice for you, but you're not alone. My mom IS my mom, but my bio-dad is out there. I've had a little communication with him & found out that he was adopted... and I feel kinda like I don't have a family tree b/c he knows NOTHING about them. I just focus on MY family & try to ignore all that other stuff... it's not important to me.

    Answer by crazysocks830 at 11:16 PM on Jul. 13, 2008

  • There is a group called, "Circle of Love" about adoption. It might help to talk to others.

    Answer by MrsP777 at 11:31 PM on Jul. 13, 2008

  • hmm donr have 100% what you want to hear as i wasnt adopted..but sometimes i wonder would i have been better off if i went to live with someone else?? I never knew my parents as married (yet i hear they were 9 years). As a child i barely saw my dad's family, just some the shy girl in me never really felt comfortable there. One time a out of state aunt ebven gave my bro My money gift cuz i didnt say thank you. Also the grandma Never spelled my uncoomon nsme correctly on xmas cards. Yeah sure just what every kid wants..a card. Fast forward to now and i have talked to a uncle on that side (he seems to luv my child) but that is it. My family (moms side) is large enough to share luv..oh it even extends to hubbys child and our own newly adopted 15 year old cousin. poor kid still calls his new mom "aunt." Long story why good luck

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:26 AM on Jul. 14, 2008

  • I know several women who gave their children up for adoption. I will tel you this it was a difficult decision for each of them. They agonized over it and have never stopped thinking of that child. they didn't abandon their child they gave away part of their soul so you can have a better life.

    Answer by Lyndall at 4:46 PM on Jul. 15, 2008

  • ive heard adopted kids are evn more specail because they are hand picked

    Answer by michmm03 at 11:36 PM on Jul. 16, 2008

  • for my son, the healing came with reunion, when he found out that i was given NO opportunity to keep him. As you were born during the Baby Scoop Era, i highly recommend "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler, interviewing mothers who were forced to surrender their babies then. Also, therapist Joe Soll runs an online support group at -- a chat every evening and a network of searchers to help you find your natural family. good luck. also reading "The Primal Wound" may help. you are not alone!

    Answer by Momzilla4 at 5:18 PM on Jul. 17, 2008

  • I imagine that some of your feelings of abandonment will never completely vanish, but you can heal a great deal. As a reunited birth mom, I now know that the loss of my son to adoption is part of who I am and will remain with me forever. Reunion had helped a great deal though and many adoptees that I know feel the same way.

    My son was relinquished in l969, and the majority of mothers in that era were coerced and had little say in their children's adoption. They wanted to parent, but society was cruel and harsh towards unmarried mothers. I know many of the moms in The Girls Who Went Away, and it is a very accurate portrait of adoption during the baby scoop era. I recommend Nancy Verrier's second book, Coming Home to Self.

    I am sorry for your struggles....I know many adoptees who feel as you do, and you are entitled to feel as you do. Best of luck in finding some peace and resolution!

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:32 AM on Jul. 18, 2008

  • Sorry, I can't relate either. Because as an adoptive Mom. We have one adopted child age 9; and she is my pride and joy!!! She isn't treated as being adopted. We love her with ever fiber of our being!! To me she is mine! I was with her 2 1/2 months before coming into this world, on the way to the hospital, there at birth, in the nursery, in the hospital, came home with her. I love her!!!

    The BM was special to me and it was really like having another child. She realized there was no way she was capable or able to raise the unborn baby she was carrying. Yes, it was a hard discussion. But, unselfish. She didn't abandon her; she gave her life!

    I pray you had adoption parents who told you how wonderful of a person you are!! God doesn"t make mistakes and I know He thinks you are wonderful!

    Answer by heavenschild99 at 1:19 AM on Aug. 6, 2008

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