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Is divorce and option??

When my hubby and I met, I was 16, he was 25!! I have always been brought up in church, i just went through a wild stage. I got prgnant and 16, married at 19, and now I'm 23 and totally unhappy! We have 2 kids now. I am struggling with the issue of leaving my husband. He has always cheated on me. I know the obvious answer would be "of course, leave him" but it's so hard for me to make such a big decision. Here lately he has been a good husband, but I just dont love him anymore, I am a completely different person than what I was when we met. I dont have any family here to support me.I feel selfish to take the kids away from their daddy just b/c i'm not happy. He is emotionally abusive and has destroyed my self confidence, not that he says really bad things to me, its just the way he says them. Does that make sense?? PLease help me!!!

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maria_christmon

Asked by maria_christmon at 4:04 PM on Jul. 13, 2008 in Relationships

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • First let me say that NO ONE should stay in an abusive situation!!

    With that said, if counseling is available I would do that....but I really only suggest that the relationship is NOT abusive... but then again counseling may change things....but it really depends on the husband and wife and the WHOLE situation....
    SAHMinIL

    Answer by SAHMinIL at 4:10 PM on Jul. 13, 2008

  • I had a baby at 17 and 19 married the father,he was 25. I left him when I was 26.I talked to my pastor 1st becuse I felt horriable! He explained that when there is cheating it severs the vows between man and wife. Spiritually the marriage is over at that point. Hearing that made it easier. But the turning point was when my emotionaly abusive husband started to show signs of be physically abusive. Kids need to see mom and dad love eachother and not be harsh. When I was leaving my 1st dh I had a 3 yr old that was in diapers, The 1st night we were gone she wanted to give up the diaper. Kids don't grow under stress the way they would if there was peace. Better to be from a broken home then live in one.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:13 PM on Jul. 13, 2008

  • If you can't fix things, then you have to make the right choice for the kids. Keep in mind, you might not be able to move out of town with them. The court could prevent you from moving away with them to be closer to your family and give him custody. There are many things to consider. Btw, being a good husband means he is providing emotional support and it seems he fails to do that even when he's not cheating. Get a clear plan for what you want and start working on it. If you want to fix things, let him know that you need things to change. If you want out, document things and plan for your future.
    ChattyWifePlus2

    Answer by ChattyWifePlus2 at 5:28 PM on Jul. 13, 2008

  • I agree with the first answer. There is no excuse for abuse and there is no reason to endure it. I'm reading a great book called How to Fall out of Love. Yes i know you are not in love but the book teaches how to get over someone and gives exercises in developing our self esteem and building our confidence in ourselves to help us be complete and healthy ppl on our own and find happiness. It's only a dollar at www.abebooks.com or a bit more at www.amazon.com or try your library. It's worth reading. I promise.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 5:42 PM on Jul. 13, 2008

  • I was also raised in a church and still attend one. What I can tell you is I have two reasons to end a marriage. First infedelity. Cheat on me and that's it, get out, I have no interest in staying with someone that doesn't love me enough to just have me all to himself. The second would be abuse. I would never stay in a marriage where I was in physical danger, and my family wouldn't let me. It sounds like your husband needs serious help. If you think he is willing to get it, and you think that you can get past the abuse and the cheating (as long as it does STOP!) then get help. But you are right, kids should see their parents HAPPY and loving, not fighting and miserable!
    feesharose

    Answer by feesharose at 5:54 PM on Jul. 13, 2008

  • plain and simple. ur happiness comes first, bc if ur not happy, u can't make anyone else happy. ur kids can sense this and i'm sure it's not what u want for them, even if it's "just the way" he says things, it's teaching ur children 2 converse the same way and b disrespectful towards u. why stay somewhere if ur not happy? there are plenty of parents out there doing it not married, and i'm sure u can do it just as well, if not better.
    ireshgurl

    Answer by ireshgurl at 5:59 PM on Jul. 13, 2008

  • A marriage in which you are disrespected & which lacks love is harmful to all members of the family. Divorce is not easy but it is the best alternative in a situation like yours.
    nysa00

    Answer by nysa00 at 6:08 PM on Jul. 13, 2008

  • My sister is in much the same situation, although they have no children. He is older (much older) than she. He isn't really emotionally abusive... he's emotionally absent. Anyway, I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell her. Staying in a marriage because you are afraid of how to live a life without him, for financial security, because you have children with him. Those are not the right reasons. If you don't love him anymore and there is no going back then it is time to leave. Believe me, you will feel a million times better once you make the move. It is scary, but it's never as scary as you think it will be. Trust me... I've gone through it before (I am divorced from my first husband). Feel free to write me privately if you need to talk some more! Good luck!
    HaydensMommy708

    Answer by HaydensMommy708 at 6:27 PM on Jul. 13, 2008

  • My opinion would be to leave him, my advise is to get back into church, your family may live far away but your church family would be here and support you. Also you could start puting back money and also when you buy groceries by a couple things that stay good for a while and put that up that way when you do leave you will have some money and some food to start off with, and if you need to get a job and dont have a babysitter thats where your church family comes in. Just pray about it and good luck, no one knows how hard it is but you and people have been there but it's always different when it's you,just keep your head up.
    JonahsMom1107

    Answer by JonahsMom1107 at 8:23 PM on Jul. 13, 2008

  • You feel selfish to take the children away from a abusive husband? No, you aren't selfish, do yourself and the children flavor! " leave him and be happy"/

    One thing you have to be certain is, " happy mother raise happy children"!!! you just have to make sure you have a way to reach out for some support like money.
    yoshiki56

    Answer by yoshiki56 at 8:38 PM on Jul. 13, 2008

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