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8 Bumps

My husband gets mad at me and wont tell me why and then ignores me for days.

This has been happening continuosly throughout our marriage and I sometimes think I might be going crazy. Then when he decides to talk to me he never tells me what I did wrong, gets mad again if I ask, and then expects life to go as usual. Has anyone ever experienced this type of behavior with a loved one and if so how did you deal with it?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:05 AM on Jul. 16, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (17)
  • What a mind game. You think you're going crazy because he's crazy making...doing stuff to mess with your head and blaming you for it. Sorry, I've never stayed with a man who exhibited this type if behaviour, never mind married him. It must be very frustrating.
    BluDog

    Answer by BluDog at 1:14 AM on Jul. 16, 2011

  • Some of my family members can be like that, especially my one sister. I just ignore her. But if my husband treated me that way it would be a real problem for him. That's rude and disrespectful and childish and immature and controlling. Need i go on?
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 1:15 AM on Jul. 16, 2011

  • passive/aggressive behavior - it's designed to keep you off-kilter but really is the result of someone who cannot express his/her feelings (usually fear) and insecurity. Tell him point blank that you love him and want to work things out with him and understand what it is he's angry about so the two of you can fix it and when he's ready to discuss his feelings with you in a calm, mature way you are ready to discuss too. Don't say any more about it, but go about your usual day as normal. Understand, the point of passive/aggressiveness is to "punish" you for whatever. When you are frazzled, wondering what it is you have done/said, he is happy because he's not the one with the issue (continued)
    pocmom

    Answer by pocmom at 1:16 AM on Jul. 16, 2011

  • Once you reassure him of your love, but not buy in to the "punishment" his behavior will change (because it loses its effect). Just remember, his behavior didn't get the way it is overnight so it will take some concerted and continued effort for you to help him recognize his behavior, the feelings behind it, and work to change his behavior and communicate his feelings (disappointment, anger, insecurity, whatever it is). Hang in there and good luck!
    pocmom

    Answer by pocmom at 1:18 AM on Jul. 16, 2011

  • He shuts down because he doesn't know how to process his feelings. This is learned behavior as a child, he was never allowed to express him self freely. He was silenced when I became upset. It carried over into his adulthood. It's like a silently pouting child isn't it??.. That's because he is, he never grew out or unlearned it. He needs counseling, this will damage your marriage because it will leave you feeling like you have to walk on eggshells to please him. He has to learn effective communication,not just shut off. It's not healthy for him to bottle up his emotions. He can and will turn into a time bomb. at some point it has to come out, or it will force it's way out and at you. This is why people snap. I hope you both can agree to talk things through so that the both you can process feelings and move one.
    Avitar

    Answer by Avitar at 1:20 AM on Jul. 16, 2011

  • Thanks for the insight. This has been going on for 5 years. 2 children later I am wondering what a nightmare I seem to be in. I have told him many many many (everytime it happens which can be every 2 weeks) that I love him and want to work through it. What always happens is that I end up telling him I am sorry (for what I dont know) after I do this he will yell at me not to talk to him - then he will eventually come in and kiss me or something, not say anything about the whole incident and go on as usual. I really think I am about to go see a therapist and I am becoming more and more depressed. We took our kids on vacation for 4 days this past week and he pulled this stunt on the first night, didnt speak to me the rest of the trip, left it up to me to do everything with the kids alone, and we have been home 3 days now with no conversation. I have no idea what he is mad about. Could he be mentally ill? He has other issues also
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:25 AM on Jul. 16, 2011

  • That is exactly what I do Avitar, I walk on egg shells every day of my life. Interestingly my sister in law who is married to his brother recently confided in me that sometimes her husband (my husbands brother) will ignore her with no explanation. I did not go into detail with her about how bad it has gotten on my end. I just dont know what to do anymore. We have a 4 year old and 7 month old and I have an 8 year old who lives with us part time. He refuses counseling or to even talk about it. I'm in a hopeless situaion arent I?
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:29 AM on Jul. 16, 2011

  • I'm sorry you're going through it mama. You're not in a hopeless situation, but I understand how you might feel helpless. You have some big decisions ahead of you, especially considering the impact on your children. You need to think about what your children are learning (cause they see, hear, and learn everything we don't want them to, unfortunately). One thing I will reinforce - STOP APOLOGIZING and start making plans. If DH won't change, you are concerned, but he is not responsive, you have to decide what is best for you and your children. I don't advocate breaking up marriages especially when there are children involved; however, you have to decide if you can live with this situation and raise healthy, balanced children or if it's better for you to make alternate arrangements. Giving you a big hug and wishing you strength and courage of your convictions. GL/GB
    pocmom

    Answer by pocmom at 1:42 AM on Jul. 16, 2011

  • This is a TYPE of abuse .....

    When he does this....ACT LIKE YOU COULD CARE LESS--- SAY NOTHING !

    Do your and the childrens lundery, feed you and the kids....

    IGNORE HIM..........
    SissyAnn141

    Answer by SissyAnn141 at 2:01 AM on Jul. 16, 2011

  • I've wondered alot here lately if this is considered a form of abuse, in the therapy world. Sad thing is, when I ignore him back, I think that is what he wants. He wants to be alone, for me to do everything with the kids. I also work full time, he stays home with the kids. He lost his job 2 years ago and has been unemployed since. I know he is depressed but he actually did this to me years before then. I have been ignoring him this week and keep telling myself not to give in this time and apologize for nothing. Its almost like I have to beg him to talk to me and love me - thats what he is waiting for everytime...pathetic. I dont even talk to my family about it anymore, because they thought I should have left him a long time ago and then I had another baby with him. I love my kids more than the whole world and just at this point want what is going to be best for them. They love their daddy so much (he is a good father)
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:09 AM on Jul. 16, 2011

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