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My boyfriend has no kids

My boyfriend has no kids, I got an apartment and he moved in with my kids & I. He is having a really hard time adjusting to life with children. He is not a parent, and he is not very sensitive to their problems. He says they are spoiled. I do not know how to help him adjust and understand. I feel if we can get over this hurdle he is the one I want to be with! We get along very well, he's just not on my maturity level I guess. I am a young mother (22) with 2 kids who chose to grow up faster than most people. I have a great job, and I have evrything I need, I am just looking for true love. And my kids are #1. I feel that I cannot have both a boyfriend and kids, And the kids are not going ANYWHERE!!!! I feel as if I'll never find my one thats right for me! Any suggestions on how to help the boyfriend adjust and understand while feeling part of my family?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:44 PM on Dec. 18, 2008 in General Parenting

Answers (9)
  • you will find the right one i felt the same way when my son was alittle cuz i wasnt with his father i dated here and there but nobody was thrilled at the fact i had a baby i was 20 and mature for my age obviously having a baby does that. It sounds like he may not be ready for the responsiblity you cant make him adjust hes either going to do it becuz he loves you and your kids or he isnt.
    I finally met a wounderful man who loved me and my son and who understood my son came first in my life.
    Mommy2B04

    Answer by Mommy2B04 at 12:49 PM on Dec. 18, 2008

  • That isn't a minor problem...that is BIG. I wouldn't give him long...and I know it is hard to be alone...I was alone right after my daughter was born, but you will find someone who is interested in you and your children. You can't be in a hurry though. My daughter was only 6 months when my SO (and former high school sweetheart) came back into the picture and he has been a perfect role model and father to her since day one. I don't know if you can train someone to be a parent figure...they either want to or they dont, they either step up or they dont. I would let him know what a huge deal this is and that you can't let it go for the sake of keeping him around.
    kabbot01

    Answer by kabbot01 at 1:05 PM on Dec. 18, 2008

  • Well, it is easy for some of you to say. It is not his kids. It takes time for him to get adjusted to them. U cant make him love or like them. it will come with time. It doesnt mean he is a bad man. I was on the same boat as he is because my SO has a son. It takes me a while to get used to his son and its not an easy situation. Yes bash if you want but I am still feeling a little uncomfortable being around his son. I am young with no kids of my own.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:09 PM on Dec. 18, 2008

  • My husband doesn't have any biological children of his own but our agreement from the start was if he's going to be a parent figure that he will act as one as well. Now we are 36 and 39 but when it comes to children they have to see that you trust his judgement, if you let them(your children) know that you aren't comfortable with his decisions they will use that against you. We discuss everything from punishments to activities with the kids. It's not always smooth sailing, and you have to remember you had the children and they have been with you from day one. He's still learning and sometimes he needs a little help. Communication is the key to everything...
    cheryl4martin

    Answer by cheryl4martin at 1:13 PM on Dec. 18, 2008

  • Sounds like you're trying to make him something he isn't. Recipe for disaster!!! If he's not ready to be a Dad, then don't push it. Not to say that you can only be with someone who has already experienced parenthood. Where is their father? He may not want to step in to a pair of shoes that are already filled. And rightly so.
    I too have always placed my kids in #1 position. And because of this, I was ready to accept no serious relationship until they were much older and I had time to spare, for myself. I was un-married when they were 11 & 8....I just found my perfect man when they were 27 & 24......Not that you have to wait as long as I did.....But at their very young ages, they need you more than you need a man.
    EireLass

    Answer by EireLass at 1:16 PM on Dec. 18, 2008

  • I would never expect a man to love my children but to respect them. I also don't know how I would feel about a man with no children judging my parenting skills. When you are a man dating a woman with children you should already know that it is a package deal. It's not expected that he play daddy but a little acceptance goes a long way and if he doesn't adjust soon he is not worth your while.
    micrespo

    Answer by micrespo at 1:23 PM on Dec. 18, 2008

  • Honestly sister, I have to say that I am hearing this from your post:1. "...he is not very sensitive to their problems."  This translates to me that he probably isn't saying things to make the problem better, but worse. . "He says that they are spoiled."  I think that means he doesn't like the way they act when they don't get what they want.  (you tell me who's kids act right when they don't get what they want.)  3. "I don't know how to help him adjust and understand"  First of all, he needs to do that on his own. Your need to help your kids adjust and understand. 4.  "...if we can get past this hurdle, he is the one i want to be with."  You have set an ulimatum, yet he doesn't know about it.  Maybe you need to sit down and talk.

     

    jentro90

    Answer by jentro90 at 1:47 PM on Dec. 18, 2008

  • (cont) One more thing, you are very young and probably don't realize just how immature you are still, as well. (Not being ugly here. I had my first baby at 21) But really, everyone who has children are growing and maturing all the time no matter their ages. Children throw as curve balls all the time! But I think the best advice I can give you is : Try to give him a script to follow so that he doesn't say or do anything that could possibly hurt your children's spirits. Let him know what is acceptable and what is not. Don't let him tease or embarrass them either. That hurts kids pride and self esteem.

    jentro90

    Answer by jentro90 at 1:58 PM on Dec. 18, 2008

  • even my own DH - the father to my 3yr old - needs to be reminded of how old she is and that she doesnt understand the context in which he is talking... he will go into a whole lecture and she will only hear about the first 5 words and then her little mind will wander and he gets so mad that she isnt still listening.
    some adults just need to hear "she is only 3 years old"
    vakatia

    Answer by vakatia at 2:07 PM on Dec. 18, 2008

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