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Bad credit because of husband and can't get past it mentally.

The first 3 years of our marriage my husband didn't work. He worked full time while dating and engagement but took a buyout that he blew within months on unnecessary items (i.e. vaca trips to disney, clothes, new cars for his older sons 20 and 22 at the time), just before the wedding. there is nothing

I struggled to pay for everything I have two sons as well and I asked him to find work. he worked as a temp twice each lasting for a month. Finally this year I hit rock bottom mentally and financially and gave him an ultimatum - either get a job or we divorce. Now he finally is working full time. BUT the problem is that I am so behind on my bills that it is still upsetting me. Before marrying him my credit was perfect now my credit has plummeted horribly.

How do I go about letting go of this anger towards him? I am so ready to divorce him anyway. I suggested counseling, he said no.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:56 PM on Dec. 18, 2008 in Money & Work

Answers (6)
  • You can always get counseling just for you. You don't need his permission to seek out help. Money is a leading reason people get divorced. I can completely understand why you're frustrated and upset.. you associate his actions for disregard towards you and your needs. I wouldn't expect things to heal overnight. It took a long time for things to get messy, it will take a while for you to fix them, once they are corrected you should be able to start to forgive him.
    Serafyna

    Answer by Serafyna at 4:02 PM on Dec. 18, 2008

  • Well there's your answer.

    If he doesn't see how important this is, if he's refusing counseling.....

    I am so sorry that this is happening. I know my money woes (all my OWN fault) have caused me many a clenched stomach and helpless feeling.

    Congrats on having a good credit past - you know you can do it. And lendors may be more sympathetic to your woes knowing you were sole breadwinner.

    Good luck.
    Wimsey

    Answer by Wimsey at 4:02 PM on Dec. 18, 2008

  • First off, if he is refusing to go to counseling it sounds like he may not be as committed to the relationship as you. He is clearly a grown man, I wonder if this was an oddity for him or if refusing to work is something that has been a pattern in the past. I ask because at his age maybe he just wanted a little time for himself and enjoyed the break and will go back to being responsible or if it's something ongoing that he will probably do again.

    I would normally suggest to just accept him for what he is and move on in the future with him, things will eventually get better. But there are clearly other problems going on and without knowing both sides of the story I say set the bills aside and analyze for yourself whether or not he is worth it. It also wouldn't hurt to go see a counselor by yourself if you feel need help sorting through your feelings. Bless you on your journey I hope all ends well for you.
    Slinkee

    Answer by Slinkee at 4:03 PM on Dec. 18, 2008

  • I would tell him you want marriage counseling to fix the anger issues you have towards him for being such a bum since you have been together or he can go be a bum someplace else because you dont want to carry around this anger towards someone youre supposed to love. And if he doesnt want to go he can take his things & move the hell outta the house.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:11 PM on Dec. 18, 2008

  • I heard this in a parenting class and I hope it helps.
    Close your eyes and take some deep calming breaths.
    Think about how you feel about the thing that ticks you off the most and the persons behaviour/reaction.
    Open your eyes and write down all your feelings.

    Close your eyes and take some deep calming breaths.
    Think about it again visualizing how you wished he behaved/reacted; even if you don't think it would ever be in their character.

    I would also call some of the companies you are behind on the bills with and see if you can negotiate a payment plan to take the pressure off you.

    I would also save as much money as you can whilst he is working, in case he is out of work again....
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:01 AM on Dec. 19, 2008

  • Thank you VERY much for all of the advice. When I did speak with him and told him my feelings (my anger), he became angry at me and felt that he had done nothing. When I reminded him that he did not work for three years, he stared at me like a deer in the headlights.

    I believe my anger is surfacing more and more because I wanted to buy a house and because of the last couple of years of being in deep debt, my credit will not allow me to. Maybe that is a sign.

    Thanks again!


    blessed63

    Answer by blessed63 at 10:22 AM on Dec. 22, 2008

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