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how maintain a 'relationship' when agency is middleman

I'm interested in how you're fostered the relation with your child's amom or firstmom in semi-open adoptions... where the agency is the middleman and controll all contact and communication?
Looking for thoughts from both
amoms
and firstmoms

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JoesGirl

Asked by JoesGirl at 5:46 PM on Dec. 19, 2008 in Adoption

Level 2 (12 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • My sons amom suggested we ditch the agency very early on in our relationship because they weren't getting my letters to me in a timely manner. We already knew each others address' anyway and had been to each other's houses.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 6:15 PM on Dec. 19, 2008

  • I use a lawyer. I hate it. I sent them a letter once that had my address in the hopes that they would cut out the middle person....but they want to continue to use her. No big thing, I have their address anyway without their knowledge. Not planning on using it tho until my daughter is an adult.

    *part of me thinks they want to keep it this way so when and if the lawyer retires, they can drop off the face of the planet and stop sending pics*
    randi1978

    Answer by randi1978 at 6:52 PM on Dec. 19, 2008

  • We went through the agency for the post-adoption agreement period (21 months) and then I pulled away. Years later (when my daughter was 7 I contacted the agency to update my address and was told that there was a letter from my daughter awaiting me.

    That letter and the one from the adoptive parents, provided all information to fully open the communication and cut out the agency. We have been in an open reunion since that point, she is now 18. One thing I will credit the agency I went through is that they did not censor the communications on either side. If at any time either of us had provided our address, phone numbers, last names, etc. it would have been sent to the other party. I have heard of agencies that seem to have taken too heavy of a hand in controling the relationship between adoptive and birth parents though.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 9:35 PM on Dec. 19, 2008

  • The first contact with my son's birthmother I was needlessly a wreck. The "middle man" who put us in contact with her stayed on the line and before our conversation tried to coach me. I hated that. Apparently my son's birthmother did not like the conversation she had with several other perspective parents and said no to each one. She is very outgoing and social and wanted an outgoing family to raise her son. This middle man said whatever you do don't stop talking. I hated the pressure he put on me. I babbled like an idiot. Then I realized that we are either the right fit or not. So I got a grip and then relaxed. It went okay. Then we called her several times without the middle people on the other line. In the end it worked out. My advice, just be yourself and don't worry to much about the agency. It is either a good fit for both or it is not. But you don't want to be something you are not.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 9:46 PM on Dec. 19, 2008

  • cont...But you may want to ask an agency about their policy as far as continued contact. I don't like the idea that they would not forward information on to you. We had one experience where a birthmother wrote us a letter and the lawyer never gave it to us. That letter could have made the difference in us actually bringing that little girl home - it didn't happen. The birthmother was upset and distrusted that the lawyer did not ever give us this long letter she wrote. I was peeved but only slightly. Since it didn't work out there was no use in wondering what was in it. Still...the agencies and lawyers should not censure, IMO, communication. They can give advice but leave it up to both sets of parents how to communicate.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 9:51 PM on Dec. 19, 2008

  • I think middlemen are just headaches. I plan on doing direct comment with our birthmom. She know us, we know her. We don't need the middleman making it impersonal.
    Jill42721

    Answer by Jill42721 at 11:59 PM on Dec. 19, 2008

  • My son's parents used a lawyer and provided one for me in my state. The first contact with them was private - no lawyers. Once I decided on them our contact was initiated without any interference from either attorney. My son's adoptive mother told me after all the papers were signed in the hospital - no more lawyers. They were great in the beginning with letters, updates, addresses, cell numbers, home numbers...but as time went on things changed. They moved provided no address, they changed their home phone numbers provided no updates. I'm lucky I have his mom's cell number or I probably wouldn't have any way to reach them. I wonder how things might have been different if there was middle man...
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 1:56 PM on Dec. 20, 2008

  • I personally dont like dealing with the agency. Our agency closed & the records were moved out of state & are maintained at another agency now. I found out via letter from amom that they were charging them a fee to send letters to me! Something the original agency did not do. I provided her with my home address (at her request) but I am still expected to mail things through the agency to them. Of course since receiving my home address amom has only used it twice.
    lisa89j

    Answer by lisa89j at 2:50 PM on Dec. 20, 2008

  • I LOVE my agency and the semi-open plan is really working for us. It all depends on your agency (or lawyer). We send picks and letters and they get them to the BPs ASAP. Sometimes we hear back and sometimes not but the agency always tells us when the BPs recieved it and if there was any response or reaction to it. We have gotten about three letters from them and we have sent 9 packets all together.
    stannseniors

    Answer by stannseniors at 12:51 AM on Dec. 26, 2008

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