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My best friend just lost her mom, i dont know what to say or how to go about it am feeling so sorry for her i just dnt want to say anything that may upset her, yet i dont want to seem as if am ignoring the the fact that shes going through a lost, please tell me what to do?

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sincerefriend

Asked by sincerefriend at 2:19 PM on Jul. 26, 2011 in Relationships

Level 1 (2 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • I jut lost my dad last month. There is nothing to say except you are sorry. Give her a big hug and tell her how much you love her and anything she needs, that you will be there for her.

    Maybe bring her a dinner, so she doesn't have to cook. Or take her kids for a few hours so she can have some time alone. My best friend lives 18 hours away, but she sent me a beautiful flower arrangement. It was so lovely and thoughtful
    SleepingBeautee

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 2:23 PM on Jul. 26, 2011

  • There's nothing you can do except to be there for her. Just let her know that you love her, and that you're there if she needs a shoulder or someone to talk to. Let her take the lead. Cry with her if she needs, laugh with her if she laughs, just be with her. My best friend lost her husband of nearly 20 years in February. We've cried, laughed, we made Teddy Bears out of his shirts for all of the kids, and talked about things they had been doing when he wore each of the shirts....and we cried and laughed some more. Some days we've just kept busy and she seemed to need to be distracted......others, she seems to need to talk.

    There is no right answer, every person grieves differently. *hugs* to both of you.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 2:23 PM on Jul. 26, 2011

  • Tell her how sorry you are for her loss. Be there for her, help her pick up the house, cook a few meals for her. Go to the grocery store to get a few things they may need.. Sometimes no words are needed, just holding her hand will be all she needs.. Death is hard no matter how old, how expected, it is still hard. The next few months will be the toughest.

    Hugs to her and her family as well as you, the emotional toll it takes on those around can be draining..
    midnightmoma

    Answer by midnightmoma at 2:24 PM on Jul. 26, 2011

  • I can only tell you what was helpful to me when my dad passed away. It was a simple "I'm sorry",asking how I was and then listening to the answer, being with me when I cried without trying to fix me. Just let her know you really do care and that you are available to her.

    quinnmommy

    Answer by quinnmommy at 2:24 PM on Jul. 26, 2011

  • tell her exactly what you've expressed here. There is nothing you can say or do per say, but you can just go and sit with her at her house, take her flowers, just BE with your friend. When my dad died people were all around who said "I'm sorry" but no one stuck around once the funeral was over and is when it all sunk in and the real pain began. You being there for her through the LONG haul afterwards is what a great friend would be :) You sound like a good friend just for the post you've put on here.
    momma-t42

    Answer by momma-t42 at 2:24 PM on Jul. 26, 2011

  • Be there for her, its going to be rough but she will get through this. Be understanding & most of all stick with her for as long as it takes for her to get through this. Its going to be a long process & sometimes she will think she is fine then bam for no reason she isnt so be understanding to that.

    Call her up or drop in & simply say you wanted to check in & see how she was doing today, no need to go into too much depth start off with things like that & she will lead the way as to what she wants to do talk about. If she dosent seem in the mood to hang out or talk really dont force her to just make sure she is going to be alright & leave her be & check in again later.

    You could also if she is really that upset at this whole thing (ppl deal with this differently) offer to make her meals & bring them over or offer her to come to your place for meals. Offer to help her out in little ways like that if she needs it.
    Mel30248

    Answer by Mel30248 at 2:25 PM on Jul. 26, 2011

  • Did you know her mom? How close are you and your friend? The first year is the hardest, and all the major holidays are the hardest of all. For example, go out and buy cards right now for your friend, and mark it in your calendar when to mail them. Send her a "Thinking of You" card on her mom's birthday, mother's day, valentine's day, her mom's anniversary, Christmas, etc. These are the days when she's likely to suffer the most, as she goes through the motions without someone who has always been there in the past.
    Another thing you can do is make a scrapbook of her mom, if you have pictures. This might be something that you suggest the two of your work on together - maybe one day a week. As you cut and paste pictures and papers and ribbons into a memory album, and share stories about her, and write them down, she may cry and grieve, but she'll work through her grief. There are steps we all must walk through -anger, etc.
    LoreleiSieja

    Answer by LoreleiSieja at 2:27 PM on Jul. 26, 2011

  • I don't know your friend but when my mom got cancer I felt like she already had died. I was so distraught and devastated but everyone said I just needed to be strong and get over it.

    If anyone had conveyed real sympathy, even if they hadn't gone through it themselves, and validated my feelings of grief, I would have greatly appreciated it.

    Any words of sympathy, hugs, acting as if they could relate or could try to relate was all I wanted.
    Blue_Spiral

    Answer by Blue_Spiral at 2:29 PM on Jul. 26, 2011

  • When my dad died, some people told me at the funeral that they "knew just how I was feeling, as they had all lost their fathers too. That made me angry at the time. I was 24, they were in their 60s. I thought, well, eventually everyone's father dies, but mine died too young! he died at 59, six months shy of retirement. And I hadn't really gotten to know him. I was still making the shift from "child" who feared him a bit (respectfully) to "adult" who could actually talk to him. There wasn't any thing that any one said that helped. Only my DH helped me. He was just "there". He didn't offer silly words or platitudes. He let me cry. He gave me hugs. He understood without making me talk about it. He was the same when I buried our stillborn son. Sometimes just being there is the best thing you can do.
    LoreleiSieja

    Answer by LoreleiSieja at 2:36 PM on Jul. 26, 2011

  • You don't have to say anything, just be there. Just don't say you know how she feels, don't tell her that her mom is in a better place, nothing like that. Just be there, let her know you are sorry, which she knows, but tell her. Not like over and over, just once. Let her talk, and you listen.
    I'm sorry for her loss, and yours. There is no right answer here, but you sound like a good friend, you will be fine I think.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 2:44 PM on Jul. 26, 2011

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