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What happens when love is not enough?

It feels like the love is gone. We have tried counceling but neither one of us will admit our faults or wrongs. We are both hurting and it is not healthy but we will not call it quits. We have been married about 10 months and it just feels like we can't get past the issues. I am in love with him but at the same time I feel like I will be better without him (mentally, emotionally and spiritually). When we are apart I am ok, not thinking about him or caring. But when we are together it is just so difficult to connect. He don't have sex much (once every two weeks). the only time we touch each other is when we are going to sleep. I want a divorce and I think he wants one too but I feel like we both are afraid to go through with it. Any advice or a word of encouragement would greatly help.

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:35 PM on Dec. 20, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (16)
  • If you seem to be okay without him....and you think he may be okay without you.....there really isn't anything to be afraid of to go through a divorce. Maybe you could just calmly ask "if we were to get divorced, what type of settlement would you be happy with". That will either start a congenial separation or it may jump start the loving feelings again.

    Answer by EireLass at 12:54 PM on Dec. 20, 2008

  • If neither one of you feel you can change then it is probably better you move on. I'm very sorry to hear you are going thru this, especially at Christmas. For right now, why don't you both agree to table the issues and try to have a great holiday? Just put it all aside until dec26th, and then sit down and decide to let go. There ae so many people in this world to love you and be loved by you-don't spend your life fighting a fight you cannot win. Good luck.

    Answer by Bearsjen at 1:05 PM on Dec. 20, 2008

  • No love. Move on. Cut your looses. Find another to love. Be happy.

    Answer by louise2 at 1:10 PM on Dec. 20, 2008

  • Why did you marry him in the first place?

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:14 PM on Dec. 20, 2008

  • there is a wonderful book called the five languages of love, its by a christain pshycologist if thats ok, and it teaches that love is a choice and how to make that choice
    i'm not really one for divorce unless there is cheating or abuse, but maybe you could look into the book, it might help, it might not
    good luck either way, i hope you learn to be happy, weather for you that is with or with out him

    Answer by bi-polarmommy at 1:15 PM on Dec. 20, 2008

  • The love languages book is good. Dont give up.. sometimes we get "lazy" in our marriages. I am guilty of it too. if you want to stay married you should try. Obviously there is SOMETHING there b/c neither one of you has left. If you made the commitment to him and him to you when you got married... you gotta keep it.. its not easy.. just do it! Start taking care of you and changing you in the areas you KNOW you need to change and he will either follow or not but you cant change anyone else either. Try to focus on the good things he does and go from there. ANd you need to try to make love.. it will help you BOTh feel closer. Even if you dont "really want to or are tired" just start it up.. it helps the intimacy come alive again. Good Luck and God Bless!

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:24 PM on Dec. 20, 2008

  • I married him because I was in-love with him. He makes me happy but I don't know just how. I am probably more afraid of being alone than anything. I know I am attractive and confident but I have a hard time getting close to people. I don't believe in divorce but I don't believe in being miserable either. Last night I couldn't sleep because I was just agonizing inside about us. But when I made a pallet on the floor (left him in the bed) I went right to sleep. This is not healthy, and whats worst when I get up in the morning he is acting like everything is ok. I feel like I secretly just want to tell him to leave and never speak or see him or anything that has to do with him again. I hate feeling like that inside.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:27 PM on Dec. 20, 2008

  • I try to make love to him and know that that will get us closer but when I get close to him he doesn't respond to me. He suffers from severe headaches but it always seems to become unbareble when I touch him. We both harbor a lot of resentment for eachother for our mishandling of situations but its like we will never get past them. I don't know what to do at this point. I feel like if we can just get away from each other I can live and breath again. I love him dearly but he doesn't reciprocate. I can be quite dominating and forcefull so we are both guilty. But I don't see nor do I feel his love.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:32 PM on Dec. 20, 2008

  • Maybe you could try another counsellor. Someone who can figure out what issues you are having and address them. You 2 should also be honest about what's bothering you. You'll never move foreward if you don't.

    Answer by AmandaH321 at 2:24 PM on Dec. 20, 2008

  • I think that you should try to look back at all of the things that made you fall in love with him in the first place. Divorce always seems like the best option when you're in a rut and if neither one of you has filed then there is a reason. Maybe you need to be the bigger person and admit some of your own faults and then perhaps he will follow suit. Remember: negativity breeds more negativity so why can't the same be true. You can ask us for advice but at the end of the day we are all on the outside looking in so it is easy for us to say divorce him. Focus on the good things and leave the rest to God. If you really love him you will find the will to make a way and if you find it's not love then you have your answer. I wish you the best of luck. Just don't give up until YOU are ready to:)

    Answer by micrespo at 2:25 PM on Dec. 20, 2008

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