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I amrecently divorced and need some advice. My ex husband suffers from depression. This was part of the reason why I divorcded him, he was/is also verbally and emotionally abusive. I feel really guilty for divorcing him. Some friends and family believe that I should have stood by him and helped him out. I have done this for over 15 years and one attempt at a divorce that I stopped because he promised to get help.

Has anyone gone thru a divorce with a clinically depressed husband?

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Asked by kiwi0613 at 8:11 AM on Jul. 14, 2008 in Relationships

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Answers (8)
  • No but suffer from clinical depression myself and was married to an abusive man. I felt guilt over leaving him thinking I was a bad wife but his issues are his issues. Some of us are co-dependent and feel that guilt. You would not have left if it was healthy for you to stay. You stayed long enough. You gave it your best shot. You can't keep letting him bring you down. It's your time now. It is even possible you were enabling him and this will make him get the help he needs. It will all work out the way it's supposed to. Now go smell some wonderful roses and enjoy your new life for you!

    Answer by admckenzie at 8:15 AM on Jul. 14, 2008

  • What is done is done. I believe the OP is correct when she says you may have given him the reason to seek help. Only you can make a decision such as this. I wish your family would be supportive, now that you are divorced, and not judge you. Sometimes, it comes down to our own mental health or the marriage and how each of us chooses is really our own business. Work with a counselor to get through these feelings. Our minds have unhealthy ways of coping and you do not want to sabotage your future because of guilt. You yourself may have some depression, unresolved anger and it wouldn't be fair to punish yourself by not dealing with it, especially if you have children. And your children may have mixed emotions about it too. Please find an objective party to work it through and care about your rather than depending on those emotionally involved.

    Answer by manna1qd at 8:24 AM on Jul. 14, 2008

  • I was thinking about this too: Once you feel confident that you won't be guilted into the wrong decision, you can help you husband help himself. By then, you will know if that is what you want to do and he may have already started helping himself. So, this is time for you that your family and his family can't understand. If they fill in for you, they have nobody to blame but themselves.

    Answer by manna1qd at 9:49 AM on Jul. 14, 2008

  • I am sorry your marriaged ended. I have been with my husband for 24 years, he has manic-depression, Crohn's disease, high blood pressure, diabetes too. Everyday is a challenge for me and my kids. But we do it, because we love him. I have his family, who treat me like dog poop, say you must really love him to stay with him. So if you do not love enough, it was better that you leave. I will pray for you.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:28 AM on Jul. 14, 2008

  • If you didn't love him anymore then you did the right thing. You didn't say if you do or if you don't. You are not able to help anyone else, but yourself. In 15 years things did not get better or change, then you have every right to leave. You deserve a life too. If we all did what others think we should, I believe the world would be an even bigger mess. Let yourself off the hook. I'd get some private counseling to help you understand that your choice was acceptable.

    Answer by Teachermom01 at 10:44 AM on Jul. 14, 2008

  • I have a friend that always tells me: "If you have to give up your happiness for it, than is not worth doing". I have learned that this is very true. If you were unhappy in the relationship the best thing you could do wa leave. He will seek help at his own rythim and there's nothing you can do about that. I was with an alcoholic for almost three years and his mother and I begged him to seek help, but he never did. The doctor even told him to stop drinking or he was going to suffer from Alzhaimers by 35 (he's 26). He has crashed twice, destroyed his car, and the relationships after me. Still, he's the same, therefore he'll only change when he wishes, not when he's asked. Good luck and don't feel guilty for being happy. :)

    Answer by Little_Maria at 11:23 AM on Jul. 14, 2008

  • I think you stuck by your husband for as long as you could. Give yourself some credit, 15 years is a long time to put up with someone's abusiveness. You deserve much better and if your friends felt you should have stuck by him, then maybe they can take care of him for the next 15 years and put up with his mess. You left him I'm sure not because of the depression, but because of his abusive ways. It is good that you found the courage and strength to leave and nobody deserves to be abused by anyone, so you made the best decision for yourself and don't ever feel guilty about that. Enjoy your life and take good care of yourself.

    Answer by autumnjoy3 at 12:02 PM on Jul. 14, 2008

  • wow, how did a July question get back on the board?

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:05 AM on Dec. 19, 2010

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