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How can I get my tween to accept it when I say no?

My 12 yr old daughter, an only child to a single mother, is unable to accept it when I say 'NO'. She asks me why/why not; argues; throws fits; begs & whines, or makes me feel guilty by going on about how important it is to her.
I have always showered her with attention. love. always put her needs first, given her about everything she's wanted, but she always showed respect/appreciation for me until recently. It was easy to "spoil" her when she was younger since she never was a brat towards me, but not anymore. I always take her & her cousins/friends places or have them over & have included her in everything.
I noticed recently that I have probbably overexplained things & treated her more of an equal since its just the two of us, so I have been trying to find more balance & get her to accept limits.

I was abused as a child so find it very hard to not feel guilt when she is unhappy, so usually give in or try to compromise, even if I resent doing so. i find I am always trying "to make it up to her" as if I have done something wrong.
I need advice to help her learn to live with my decisions.

Answer Question
 
loveandlogicmum

Asked by loveandlogicmum at 2:30 AM on Aug. 3, 2011 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 2 (8 Credits)
Answers (4)
  • You may never get her to accept those decisions. That's fine. She doesn't have to "accept" as in "agree with." She simply must do as she's told. Refusal means consequences.

    Pick your battles though. There are things that are not worth arguing about. Example: Let her do the laundry how she wants as long as it doesn't cause damage to anything or run up a huge water bill. But she MUST do her laundry no matter what.

    I often tell my nearly 12 year old son, "The answer is no so stop asking." And when he tells me I'm mean I tell him, "Darned tootin'. Meanest mommy in the world and DON'T you forget it."

    He gets upset for five minutes and forgets it.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 2:50 AM on Aug. 3, 2011

  • I agree with gdiamante, picking your battles is important. I also give the children a reason behind the no, and end it with that. They may not like it but they still have to do (or not do) what I said. Don't argue with her, if she continues to complain or starts to raise her voice or throw fit, walk away, tell her the discussion is over and she has the choice to do what you said or face the consequence.
    For example with my son...you can vacumm the livingroom like I asked or you can stay home and not play on the xbox.
    If he vacuums and its not perfect I let it go, if he is deliberately doing it incorrectly (and you can tell), then its still no xbox and vacuum again. After a few times of standing strong she'll get the idea.
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 10:22 AM on Aug. 3, 2011

  • It seems like at 12 they just turn on us. Happened her too. My 12 yo dd was always doing as you stated and I found that I just said no, gave a reason if need be and then didn't argue back with her (it take 2 to argue). Walking away helps too, and not engaging in the petty back & forth. If she continues, take something away, a privelege or her ipod, tv, whatever. I do think that being an only child plays into it also. I have an only and I have always thought that she has seen herself as on the same 'playing field' as her Dad & I, till we proved to her she ISN'T. Good luck, it isn't easy.
    cat4458

    Answer by cat4458 at 8:54 PM on Aug. 5, 2011

  • My best tools of defense are using the words " nevertheless" and "regardless".
    They keep you for getting into a discussion/argument with your child.
    mommmy1978

    Answer by mommmy1978 at 11:12 PM on Aug. 5, 2011

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