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How to get a 20 yr old to move out

My stepson came to live with us a year ago.Since he has been with us our marriage has been rocky.Everything he does my husband has an excuse for him.The one I hear alot is ,he is only a teenager he forgets.I keep reminding him that he is not a teenager anymore.He moved from his mother's house because she had set rules.Here his dad let's him come and go when ever he pleases.He goes to school and works part time.He doesn't help with any of the household bills.I want him to grow up and move out on his own.His dad say's that as long as he is in school he can stay here.I need help.Please if anyone has advice on what I should do or say.

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Asked by auburnlovely at 10:59 AM on Jul. 14, 2008 in Adult Children (18+)

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Answers (11)
  • Since he's your stepson, you technically can't enforce anything on him without his father there to back you up. He'll pull the whole "You aren't my mother" thing and that will just turn ugly.

    Talk to your husband about it. Maybe you can convince him that the stepson needs to pay rent, or a third of the bills, or that rules need to be put into place that he has to abide by or he can't stay there any longer. Just because he's in school doesn't mean he can disrespect you or disrupt your household.

    Answer by purvislets at 11:16 AM on Jul. 14, 2008

  • I believe that as long as my children are in school, I will be more than happy to have them live at home. But that doesn't mean they will get to do whatever they want. I do not care how old you are, as long as you live under my roof, you have to follow the rules I set. He should be thankful that he has someone to help support him while he is trying to finish his education. You should talk to you husband and try to explain that although you have nothing against his son, he needs to help his son become a more respectful adult. Try to prove the point of how hard it will be for him to be on his own if he doesn't learn certain things now.

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 11:40 AM on Jul. 14, 2008

  • Until Dad gets on board, there's not much you can do.
    If he has his own bathroom, don't clean it. Don't clean his room. Don't do his laundry.

    You might get your DH out of the house and talk to him. Tell him that you want to help "Johnny" learn some life skills so we he finishes school and is ready to start his own life, he will know how to take care of himself and survive. Then work with DH to come up with a list of things the "boy" can start doing and learning to do.

    Answer by kaycee14 at 12:26 PM on Jul. 14, 2008

  • It is hard to move out, especially if he's going to school and with the rough economy, its even harder. I'm 21 and was living at home with my dad at 20. But I do think he should help with his own bills. There isn't an excuse for that. But give him a little credit, at least he isn't sitting on his butt, not going to school, no job, and bumming.

    Answer by LaurenKaye29 at 1:11 PM on Jul. 14, 2008

  • Sorry, I agree with your husband. As long as the young adult is going to school I don't feel he/she should contribute financially to the household. However, he/she must do their share if not more of the physical upkeep and maintainence around the house; laundry, errands, yard upkeep, cleaning/scrubbing bathrooms/kitchen, dishes, trash, etc.
    Whatever he makes part-time is barely keeping his gas tank full nor has he spending money to go out with friends.

    Answer by JuneL at 2:21 PM on Jul. 14, 2008

  • He's still pretty young, he is going to school, so he doesn't have a lot of money, as long as he respects you, it sounds like there is no major problem here. At 20, he should be able to come in late at night as long as he is quiet.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:48 AM on Jul. 15, 2008

  • I agree w/dad it's important to help your kids stay in school, but when they live under your roof they need to share in chores and have consiquences for forgetting!

    Answer by thesextoylady at 10:50 AM on Jul. 15, 2008

  • AS long as he is in school,I'd try to help him.But it still is your house,and he should abide by your rules as long as they are reasonable.His dad needs to be a dad and not his buddy.I'm in a blended family too.It is really hard sometimes.Especially when dad's feel so much guilt from their past, that they make bad choices.E mail me if you want.I can relate.

    Answer by evelynwest at 2:39 PM on Jul. 18, 2008

  • When our kids graduated from high school we told them it was go to school, get a job, or move on out. We would support them all the way as they stepped out into the world, but it was their turn to take the next step.

    All three of them did. They went off to college and came home at breaks, then when our daughter was through with her two year stint at college, we helped her find a room so she could learn to live responsibly on her own. Not one of them has been sorry nor have her dad or I.

    Sometimes tough love is hard, but you must start somewhere.


    Answer by shirleyhere at 8:46 PM on Jul. 22, 2008

  • I can feel the pain in your gut. It would be better for you and your marriage to get him out. Get a second job and get him into a trailer or apartment, pay the rent for no more than two years as long as he's in school and he can pay for things such as food and utilities. Even a part-time job can cover that. Then he can live in his mess, call his own curfew, whatever.


    Answer by DLovesT at 12:50 AM on Jul. 27, 2008

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