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4 Bumps

My husband deeply hurt me.

I won't go into details, it still really hurts to talk about it. I will say, he did NOT cheat on me in any way. What he did was just as bad. I was holding all this hurt inside and yesterday I told my aunt about it, she literally wanted to kill him. It's really bad what he did. I was hurt so bad I couldn't even breath and I had an anxiety attack. He destroyed my trust in him. He has cried and begged me to forgive him and I can't, it just happened 4 days ago. I don't know if I can forgive him for hurting me that bad. I may forgive what he did but not forgive him for hurting me. He completely disregardedmy feelings, sold me out as if I was a prostitute. I was disrespected and degraded. He also, on top of everything else, felt the need to blab that I was violently raped in the past, to someone I didn't even know. He killed my trust. Now, he flips back and forth between, not knowing what he did wrong, to begging me to forgive him, to telling me that I need to forget it and move on.  His main excuse is that he's a man, not all men treat their wives in that way. He says he loves me and that he's deeply sorry, but those are just words. I told him to prove that he's sorry and that he has to earn my trust back. He wants to know how he can earn my trust back and to prove hes sorry, but I don't know how he can. I have started isolating myself, not talking to family and friends like I used to, I have completely withdrawn myself. I no longer enjoy the things I did before. I don't know what to do. My heart is broken and I can't believe he completely destroyed my trust in that manner. He promised he'd never hurt me and he did. My aunt told me to lay down some rules for him to earn back my trust. I don't know of any rules to make. Help? He won't get marriage counseling.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:17 PM on Aug. 4, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (17)
  • Its hard to say because we don't know what he did but take some time to see if you WANT to let him earn his trust back since it was such a horrible ordeal.. really. You don't have to decide now. One thing I can say is that men should treat their wives as their best friend and partner.. nothing less!!
    maxsmom11807

    Answer by maxsmom11807 at 5:20 PM on Aug. 4, 2011

  • I'm so sorry, I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say I hope everything works out for you. Whatever he did, I hope he doesn't do anything like it again.

    Angelic-Renewal

    Answer by Angelic-Renewal at 5:21 PM on Aug. 4, 2011

  • I don't have any advice right now, but I'll try to think of something. It's hard to think of how he can earn your trust back if he doesn't understand how he broke it. If he's going back and forth between not knowing, saying you should forget and begging you to stay; the first step *I* would need is for him to clearly understand why I was hurt and understand my feelings about it. Him fascillating between the 3 kinda shows that he doesn't, and he needs a firm understanding of the situation before it can be fixed.
    MeandMyBabes

    Answer by MeandMyBabes at 5:23 PM on Aug. 4, 2011

  • I am so sorry hun. I am not sure what you hubby did but it sounds terrible. What you did mention was bad enough though...him telling anyone else that you were raped was so out of libe. That is not for him to announce to anyone, ever. You say he says he will do what he needs to to earn your trust back? Obviously he isn't willing to do ANYTHING or he would be willing to seek counseling with you. Maybe you could do it on your own? Maybe a counselor could help you learn to trust your hubby again...give you some tools or direction in that regards? Good luck. Hugs.

    zoomomto3

    Answer by zoomomto3 at 5:24 PM on Aug. 4, 2011

  • I'd love to offer a direct answer but while you are leaving out details, it'll be hard to know if whether or not anyone else has dealt with that pain and or what they did to overcome it. I have been badly hurt in a relationship before. Maybe you should openly state what happened so that you may get some clarity from others who may have dealt with a similar situation and or so that you can openly discuss what happened without holding anything in. :( I hope you feel better soon, for me... there is no worse pain than loving and trusting someone with all your heart and then facing having been let down by them. :(
    -Leesah

    Answer by -Leesah at 5:29 PM on Aug. 4, 2011

  • Thanks for the advice. I've been making it clear how he hurt me and why it hurt me. He actually broke down and cried and begged for forgiveness, but right now that isn't even on my mind. My aunt told me to take it 1 day at a time and the pain will get lesser. She's going through her own issues with her husband and he's doing just as bad to her, I don't want to lean on her for support when she's going through an even harder time. I can't go to my mom or she'd kill him and involve my dad in this. I'm trying to keep the peace for our kids sake. I can't even look at him and I won't let him touch me. Sometimes he gets down right angry and defensive when I explain that I am still trying the best I can to move forward and find peace. He thinks should just move past it and I can't. He also, had no right to discuss my past to anyone. That was between us. I'm not sure I can't trust him like I used to. That part is dead in me.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:35 PM on Aug. 4, 2011

  • If he goes back and forth between being sorry and not knowing what/how he did anything wrong, then I'm sorry to say that shows that he truely doesn't believe he did any wrong.

    My ex would do the same thing after he beat the crap out of me and later when he raped me..he just didn't want to be out on the street and not have my monetary support.

    You are going to have to figure out for your self if you can live with what he did and live with him.

    GOod luck
    tntmom1027

    Answer by tntmom1027 at 5:35 PM on Aug. 4, 2011

  • tntmom; I'm sure in due time I can forgive what he did, but the fact he hurt me so deeply, I'm not sure I can. He knows my whole past was nothing but misery. I was degraded and treated like a piece of meet by men my whole life. It took me a long time to open myself to him. I made it clear that I went out on a limb to trust him with my heart and soul, he completely disregarded everything and my feelings.

    I'm sorry I am leaving out the details. I'm just not ready to openly dscuss it. I had a hard enough time talking to my aunt. She knew I was upset and managed to get me to talk about it.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:46 PM on Aug. 4, 2011

  • I agree with tntmom: If he is getting upset that you're hurt and he is still going back and forth, and you've clearly stated why you're hurt, he doesn't believe he did anything wrong. Personally, I couldn't stay in that relationship. If you choose to stay to work it out, I would suggest counseling, at least for you if he will not go.
    MeandMyBabes

    Answer by MeandMyBabes at 6:10 PM on Aug. 4, 2011

  • Well, I'm sorry to have to say this. But honestly in my opinion, him refusing to go to marriage counseling is not a good sign of winning your trust back. I am so sorry that you suffered this crime against, and even more so that you had to relive it. Sounds like you were dealing with this and moving on well before this instance. Maybe a rape counseling center, would be a good thing for you to look into. And after there maybe he could be included into that sort of counseling. I wish you luck with with your peace , life and your marriage.
    ChicagoVal

    Answer by ChicagoVal at 7:53 PM on Aug. 4, 2011

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