Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

How do i get my 11 year old stepdaughter to respect me?

My stepdaughter talks back constantly and won't follow simple directions i give her. Her father and me have been together for almost 2 years and things don't seem to be getting better. Her mother is still in the picture and sometimes i think she acts the way she does out of loyalty to her mother but she is just as bad with her. The other thing is her father i 33, she's 11 and i'm 25 and i think it's an age thing with me. I love her and i want to be there for her but her behavior makes me want to steer clear from her. What should i do? If I don't figure out something soon I'm afraid I'll loose my mind!

Answer Question
 
05wintermom

Asked by 05wintermom at 10:57 AM on Dec. 23, 2008 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • First of all, her behavior needs to be addressed by dad. You are an adult and she needs to be taught to respect adults. Its not likely that you demanding she respect you will work, but if her father can step in and back you up when necessary, it will go a long way. My husband comes down hard on our kids when they mouth off to me or disobey. Hes determined that our kids will hold adults in high esteem. There needs to be some serious consequences for inappropriate behavior. My SM and I didn't get along at all at first, but if I mouthed off to her, I got the smack down put on me. I was not allowed to speak that way to her. I finally just quit talking to her because it was too tempting for me and my dad was serious about it.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 11:10 AM on Dec. 23, 2008

  • I guess, just talk with her and let her know that you are not trying to take her mom's place or something. Let her know that you know you're not her mom, but you are an adult, so she does have to respect you. Ask her how she would feel if someone talked to her rude. Then tell her, that's how it makes you feel when that happens to you. She is probably upset that her parents are split, and worried that you're trying to push her mom out of the picture. And she's probably mad at her mom for not being with her dad. Talk with her and try to get to the core of whatever is causing her to act like this.
    chavela_carlita

    Answer by chavela_carlita at 12:18 AM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • Tell her what you told us: You love her and want to be there for her but you want to steer clear of her because of her behavior toward you. Ask her how you can get along better. She may say she doesn't know or doesn't want to but you will have opened the door for communication and been honest in the process. It is Very Important to talk with your husband and let him know the same thing. He needs to have a talk with her about how he expects her to treat you and he needs to be consistent about calling her on her behavior if it isn't appropriate. Spend time doing things she enjoys with her and she may warm up to you also. I admire your interest in her and your love.
    happi-ladi

    Answer by happi-ladi at 10:11 AM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • I have 2 stepdaughters and it was not easy at first. When me and my husband got together we combined 2 households and with 5 girls under the same roof, 4 teenagers and 1 toddler, and only 1 bathroom. Trust me it was not easy, we had our ups and downs. All you can do is try and treat them all with respect and they don't respect you, leave the room and count to ten. Sometimes that will get the message across. We had all five girls in the same house and the conflicts would get out of hand, but as long as you do your best at the respect thing, it will eventually work out in the end.
    mineandyoursmom

    Answer by mineandyoursmom at 1:39 PM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • well i guess she miss her mom very much, she may be upset bec she didnt want new mom but dont worry. Try to be friend with her as u can hung out with her to have girls day off. Go out to have fun use Hairs done, have nice make up on or other kinds, joy to have fun at mall to dress up like Queen!! Tell her,

    'is ok to love your mother very much, i wish to meet her and make me feeling bad that you love her very much but im not try replace your mother bec i love you and your father very much. i want help u whatever u need from me. I try to be your friend but if ok with you.'

    Guess what, i love my stepfather that he pay everything gift for me but he too sweet man care. when i get older he stop pay me gift awww, that ok. he pay my 13 month old son a gift. still sweet grandfather to my son. giggle
    whoishotmama

    Answer by whoishotmama at 8:31 PM on Dec. 25, 2008

  • You aren't all that much older than she is so instead of pulling the respect your elders,I would pull the I'm your friend. Not so much I'm your mom. I would of course make her respect me but first go with taking her shopping,doing hair,nails all the girl things. Drop back a few years on you give her a few years met in the middle. give her 6 years shes 17, take off 6 for you makes you 19 so act that age around 17-19 year old. Go out have fun let her see you are dads wife,her friend,not mom but she will respect you or dad will handle her......Talk to her let her know the plan you love her you love her dad and you are here to stay so lets get in here and have a ball......Let her make her choice and I think if she is half way smart she won't turn that down...Both of you will be winners--you have a happy hubby and daughter and she has a happy dad and mom....Good Luck you can do it...
    Nissa54

    Answer by Nissa54 at 8:46 PM on Dec. 25, 2008

  • Does she live with you full time or with the bio-mom? If she doesn't live with you then all you can really do is just be a "friend" to her. She will just resent you if you try to be a parent to her, she already has parents. Does her father make her show you respect? If he doesn't, then there is your first problem. When a couple is married they need to be the highest priority to each other, then together as "one" they take care of the children. If she does live with you then your husband needs to step up and tell her that this is your house too and she will treat you with respect. But if he's not willing to do this, then basically you're screwed. I have a SS and have definitely been there, and it wouldn't have gotten better if we both didn't realize that we need to come first.
    feesharose

    Answer by feesharose at 2:44 PM on Dec. 27, 2008

  • Your House Your Rules therefore she needs to respect them when in your home. I agree with previous posters, you and your hubby need to sit down with this girl and everyone establish the rules and then enforce them. If she cannot follow the rules regardless who (say you or others in the house) then consequences need action. I have a strong feeling though your losing the battle because your too concerned with trying to be her "friend" and win a friendship with her... If that is the case, then it will be a long hard battle, and it is likely you may never win. Its best you just stick with being an adult and parent and making her respect your home.
    TheFriskyKitty

    Answer by TheFriskyKitty at 4:58 PM on Dec. 28, 2008

  • The responsibility falls on your husband. He must require that she respect you and him. I'm speaking from My husband would not tolerate disrespect from my daughter or his. We have had our share of problems, but things always stayed respectful for the most part.
    diginity

    Answer by diginity at 5:47 PM on Jan. 2, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Cafemom Join now to connect to other members! Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN