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Am I tearing us apart by asking for what I want?

I tell him my feelings and what I want out of relationship maybe a little too much. I feel like we are not going anywhere and I am not afraid to be honest with him about it. He gets really mad and tells me that I just keep repeating myself and starts it off with blah, blah, blah. I guess I feel like I need to repeat myself because things haven't changed. He tells me some mean stuff about myself and last night I asked him about that and he said it was to get a rise out of me because I don't listen to what he has to say. It's start off by me telling him and then always turns into a fight. I love him and want to be with him but don't feel like he is putting his all into trying to make things work.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:10 PM on Dec. 23, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (18)
  • sounds like you are both stuck in a rut and having communication problems which can be the death of the relationship. unfortunately people don't always give our feelings the importance we do. neither of you is feeling heard and is finding unhealthy ways to try to get your points across. you need to shift focus to the positive. tell him what you are interested in for the relationship - i.e. what would you consider "going somewhere" and see if he agrees. he may have been a jerk about what he said to you, but sounds like he's been holding back and has some feelings about things you're doing too.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 12:17 PM on Dec. 23, 2008

  • while he needs to find a better way to talk to you, if you want him to listen to what you want, see if you can find a way to acknowledge his complaints too but not condoning the nastiness. Sometimes bickering becomes a habit. One way to find out is to ask the hard question: Do we want to work this out? That generally leads to a reality check either by way of someone being let off the hook for wanting out or it leads to a real productive conversation.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 12:18 PM on Dec. 23, 2008

  • Perhaps you want different things. All relationships are not meant to be forever.
    EireLass

    Answer by EireLass at 12:19 PM on Dec. 23, 2008

  • I would suggest counseling and if he doesn't want that ,it may be time to go your seperate ways. It seems as if he's not taking your feelings into consideration and "trying to get a rise out of you" doesn't seem very mature. If you love him and you want to try to make things work, then by all means keep at it. Just remember not everything that is broken can be fixed. I wish you luck.
    micrespo

    Answer by micrespo at 12:19 PM on Dec. 23, 2008

  • this is a hard one. everyones communication style is different and only him and you would have better info on that. finding this out is key in knowing when, where and how to say and do things to your mate all while keeping the peace. try not to be negative (even if he is)...ie telling him that the relationship isnt going anywhere. i am learning from experience that when we say that, they start to believe it (even though we dont totally mean it that way) and things get worse, not better. there is no harm in sharing your feelings. the right time and place is the tricky part though.
    Msunique80

    Answer by Msunique80 at 12:26 PM on Dec. 23, 2008

  • continued- i think that true love is patient and while we may want for things to change now...it just doesnt happen like that. all we can do is play our part. like ghandi says "be the change we expect in the world" and i believe that applies to relationships as well. he did something to get a rise out of you....my dh has done the same to me, so for the next time he does this respond differently (positively)...it'll knock his socks off and he will see what a jerk he's being. best wishes.
    Msunique80

    Answer by Msunique80 at 12:26 PM on Dec. 23, 2008

  • from the sounds of it you are just going though one of the most common problems that happen during the first 4 or so years of marriage. Hang in there, he still has to finish maturing which will happen. dont give up, it will happen. until then do your best to over look as much as you can as if he were actually a child. It gets better.
    vbongard

    Answer by vbongard at 12:27 PM on Dec. 23, 2008

  • he's an a-hole for saying mean things...EVER!!! Married people need to learn to tal to each other constructively or it will never work. Also, you repeating yourself is just turning yourself into a nag in his eyes and he will not change bc he is just waiting for the next nag session. I have always been one to MOVE ON when shit goes downhill like this. If he is not willing, screw him.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:34 PM on Dec. 23, 2008

  • You should really go get the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. It is a very good book and it has helped my husband and I out a whole lot. Or you should try the book called Love Dare...I can't remember the authors name. Good luck, yall can work it out if you both want to.
    cphilp2007

    Answer by cphilp2007 at 12:34 PM on Dec. 23, 2008

  • Are we with the same guy????????????????????????? I feel ya girl I am in the same boat and can't find the answers either :(
    shauna9909

    Answer by shauna9909 at 12:59 PM on Dec. 23, 2008

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